I hate my hands. I hate looking at them and touching them. My hands didn’t do anything to me. I did something to them. My hands themselves aren’t what I actually hate, it’s what’s on them — my nails. My nails are uneven, brittle, and short. The skin around my nails is raw. When I touch my hands, they burn.

For as long as I can remember, I have been a nail-biter. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized it was a problem. People around me would notice how beat up my nails were and ask why they looked the way they did. I was embarrassed to tell them the truth so I would lie and say something along the lines of, “Oh, I just slammed my hand in a door!” I am tired of lying. I have onychophagia. Onychophagia is defined as the chronic habit of biting nails. People never understand this condition because nail biting is something that “everyone does.” However, I don’t bite my nails to get a hangnail off or to keep them looking straight. I bite them off entirely. I bite them until they are bloody and the skin around them is freshly moist and pink. When they look this way, I am satisfied. I am done. It’s what comes after that causes me pain.

With every feel, every touch, and every tap, I feel hurt. But I just can’t stop. I have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and anxiety. When people think of OCD, oftentimes, the first thought that comes to mind is perfection. OCD isn’t perfection, it’s far from it. For me, it’s a flaw. My mind screams at me to bite my nails. It will make me feel better. My onychophagia is a coping skill for my OCD. Biting my nails distracts me from the chaos of the world. It provides me temporary relief for all of the anxious thoughts that I suffer with.

I have tried every method in the book to stop my nail biting. From bitter nail polish to wearing finger gloves, nothing works. My condition embarrasses me. While other girls my age are scheduling nail appointments, I am scheduling therapy appointments. Every day, I am working on recovering from my onychophagia. It is a daily struggle that causes me physical and emotional pain. I no longer want to feel embarrassed for my nails. I want to love them and I want to love my hands.