I´ve never dealt with a real loss of a person to death. The only relatives close to me that have passed were my grandpa when I was extremely young. I had been sad, yes, from time to time. When my throat would swell up like an allergic reaction and end in me not being able to breathe, the person who I thought I knew well, who reciprocated the feelings I felt left me with a pain I'd never felt before. It was indescribable. The days of yore filled with sunshine and starry eyes ended with my heart shattering, cutting me with every piece. They slowly but surely left, like a ticking time bomb they stopped speaking, they stopped looking, and they stopped noticing me at all. Small conversations would spark in the dimly lighted hallways but nothing was the same. A couple months ago if the Titanic went down with me aboard I´d still have a smile on my face. I was in such a daze filled with a family of butterflies crowding the insides of my stomach. The smallest joke they´d state with their slightly shaky voice and awkward hand movements sounded like a John Mulaney stand-up performance. At least to me because they were the world, my world. When I walk into rooms I search around like a small child looking for their mom in a grocery store, hoping I see their face. If I were to see them though, my gut aches as though I'm having an appendicitis and my eyes swell up like I'm cutting onions. Whether they wanted to or not, a rose bloomed inside of me when I met them and it hasn't died yet. The cold winter seasons are just a bit harsher for the rose to survive than before. The remembrance of the times spent together hurts the most, a car crash would be less harmful. The more I remember the farther in the knife goes, the more collateral damage caused. The longer I mourn the past, the more onions I begin to cut. They were the sun but I was just Pluto. Not even a planet anymore. Surviving off the starvation of no contact makes it harder to obtain balance. More than the iron deficiency I already had . They gave me the moon then left me empty handed. I wish my world would regift the moon to me.