Everyone always says check up on your loved ones, keep them close, maybe even go as far as to hang out with them and spend time with them. All I have to say to that is just make sure that all your people are ok inside. Mental health is so scary because it's something that you most of the time can’t see. The only way to make sure someone is ok is to ask, so make sure all your people are taken care of. 

It all started off when I was eight years old. I had just got my brand new first set of hockey gear ever and I couldn’t be more excited to get on the ice. Ever since Popstar and I played hockey in the street over the summer I wanted to play hockey on the ice just like my older cousin DJ. We had gone to a few of his games before and the atmosphere was my favorite part; the people screaming when anything would happen, the giant men slamming into one another all to fight over this little black disc, and most importantly whenever someone would score it seemed like a spotlight was shining on just them. Even if the goalie made a save the whole arena would erupt like a giant volcano spewing chants as if it were lava.  I leaned over and yelled at my pops, “I want to do that one day,” pointing at the guy that just scored. 

“Oh yeah?” asked my grandfather, “What makes you want to play so bad?” 

“I want to score goals and make all the girls go crazy just like he did,” I quickly replied while nudging my pop’s shoulder. 

A few weeks later I found myself in the car with him on the way to what would become one of my favorite stores, Pure Hockey. I got a new red and black bauer vapor stick, bauer vapor skates, a pair of black and green reebok shin pads, black easton hockey pants, black gloves, orange and black elbow pads, black and yellow chest protector, white practice jersey, and a big shiny black helmet with the stock metal cage. I got home on that Tuesday night eagerly awaiting the weekend so that I could try out all my new gear. The weekend came around and there I found myself on the ice all alone. I could barely even stand until Coach Tom came up behind me and told me to stand a little wider and push down into the ice with the arches of my feet. After he taught me how to stand on my new skates he told me to take a stride towards him. 

Our relationship as player and coach would only grow as the learn to skate programs continued on. About 3 months of learning how to keep my balance, hold a hockey stick, and skate with a puck on my stick, Coach Tom told me I should go try out for a team. In my little 8 year old mind that was the scariest thing in the world; I would be all alone out there with a bunch of random kids, I had no confidence since I never played before, and I didn’t even know if I was going to be any good at the sport. Those feelings that I had didn’t matter to Mr. Zimmerman at

all as he would push me harder and harder everyday to get better. Now that I have played for 10 years, to look back at that day makes me feel so warm inside, that’s back when hockey was the most fun thing in the whole world. 

I would continue to play for 2 years before I finally got on his team to have him as a hockey coach. I was on that team for my first year as a peewee which was 12u. I was only 10 and should have played 10u but Coach Tom pushed me to get better and pushed the board to notice me for a spot. I learned so much about the game that year, I learned to make my feet match my hands and how to make fakes with my head instead of just my hands. He taught me that if you bend a little lower, you will be a lot stronger on your skates and skate a lot faster. He taught us that when the puck was on the wall to scoop it from the side because otherwise you will miss it. I remember after a loss one time he told us that, “Winning is always important, but at the end of the day it isn’t everything. As long as you left it all on the ice that’s all that matters.” The way that I took the quote is as long as you give it everything you got then everyone is happy. The way the quote ends is my least favorite part of the whole thing but truth hurts, “Sometimes you are going to try as hard as you can and there’s just nothing you can do about it,” and those words have stuck with me forever. 

That season came and went, I played another year for a new coach. The season was fun but a lot of stuff that Coach Tom said had stuck with me. Not to mention he would call up and make sure I was still having fun, but I think that it's because he wanted me to be on his team again next year. I would always respond with a simple, “ya coach im havin a blast,” or, “duh, this is the best sport in the world,” followed by a smile. I got to play with him again for my final 12u year when he decided to create his own brand, Flobros Hockey. The brand grew very quickly in the hockey community at Canlan Ice Sports wanting shirts, hats, shorts, pants, coffee cups, and Coach Tom asked me if I would play for his team in the summer. I agreed and played the rest of the summer.

We didn’t learn a whole lot because summer hockey is just fun with the boys, but he was more of a role model to me than anything that summer. He had a problem getting his team to become official for the fall so USA hockey said they would push it back a year. So I played over at Sabres hockey in Naperville and kept in touch with him. I knew something was fishy when he decided to give up on Flobros in the coming fall. The next time I saw him at the rink I asked him what was going on and he said he had a lot going on inside his house and the business was

getting to be a lot for him to keep up on. He gave me a celtic knot cross necklace and added, “never give up, there's always a way out as long as you keep pushing forward little by little, this cross will bring you closer to god and remind you of what I just told you.” I found it so weird that the guy who always said to never give up and to keep going would do just that. I wanted to know what was going on but I didn’t want to force it out of him. “Yes sir, thank you.” I responded, accepting the necklace.

My mother reached out to him in August of 2019 asking what was going on because I had mentioned him to her. She texted him consistently for the next couple of weeks. She learned that all the “stuff” going on in the house was that his wife was going to leave him and take the kids away from him. As you can imagine, as an already depressed and anxious man who was on heavy medications, he flipped out and had no idea what to do. On October 28th, 2019 my mom and my coach sat up on text until four in the morning talking about what was going on. The final thing he sent her was at 4:03 am and it said, “No matter how hard the times get, promise me that you will keep going and never give up.” She replied with, “will do,” and said goodnight. 

On October 29th, 2019 I went to school as I did everyday. I woke up, got dressed, since it was 8th grade I spiked my hair up, grabbed my backpack, and headed downstairs. I ate a bowl of cereal and headed off to the bus. I went to school, a bright morning with the sun shining, not a cloud in the sky. I had a science test about the periodic table of the elements 3rd period and a math test for 9th period to close my school day. My friend Carter and I decided to go play roller hockey at Fox Chase. I came in around 6:30 because it was getting dark out. At 8:14 pm my Grammi got a call from my mother who was balling on the other end of the line. My Grammi took the phone out to the other room so that nobody else could listen in on their conversation.

When my grandmother came from around the dark corner, she had shock, sadness, and fear in her eyes. I didn’t know what to say other than to ask her what was wrong. 

“Coach Tom killed himself,” she muttered 

“What, why, how, for what reason, for real?” I asked as tears began to fall down my face.

“Jim I don’t have an answer to why and unfortunately nobody ever will, that’s the worst part about a suicide.” She wrapped her arms around to hug me, “with a gun,” she answered, “yes, for real,” she concluded. 

I pushed the hug away, ran to my room, and slammed the door shut. I sat there for a second and took a deep breath. That’s when everything went red, as my anger rose more tears built up. I broke down right there, and through all the pain, anger, and sadness the only thing that kept me down to Earth was the feeling that he was finally ok. My mom got home from work around 9:30 and asked how I was. “Terrible.” I replied while still crying. 

“Jim you know he’s in god’s hands now, you know that he is doing better,” she started.

“I don’t really care,” I interrupted, “I’m never gonna get to see him again.” 

“One day we will all meet again,” she added as her tears started to pour, “he’s in a better place now, it’s time for us to start healing.” 

Coach Tom’s suicide made me realize that even though someone has a smile on their face and they look happy, doesn’t always mean that is the case. Most people do not have it in them to ask for help, and with them, and I have realized that it is up to you to notice their signs. I have learned how important it is to be there for someone when they are distancing themselves from the world because sometimes you are that person’s last hope. He also made me realize how lucky I am to get up every morning and what he did showed me that you always have to find a way to get yourself into a happy place, or at least a sound state of mind. Even though the necklace that he gave me broke in a hockey fight, I kept the pendant and I leave it on my car keys now. I know it's corny but to me, that pendant makes me feel like he's always with me to keep me safe in spirit. The pendant is also a reminder to me to make sure that all my friends and family are doing ok mentally. Coach Tom, you really were a huge influence in not only my hockey career, but genuinely changing the way that I look at life by giving me a reason to think about others, and for that I thank you.