Man, do I miss the days. The days when playing outside underneath the hot sun in the street was all we did. Watching the raindrops fall on the window of the car in the backseat. Racing leaves in the gutter while the rain water flowed downhill. Getting covered in dirt amongst the brush and climbing trees all day under the clear blue sky. Laying in the grass feeling the blades itch our skin, and the sun coating us in its soft warmth. Riding bikes down the street, smelling the earthy and tangy asphalt, especially when we fell. School was like magic every day, being with friends and not having a care in the world. Playing on the swings or out in the field during lunchtime. Constantly looking up at the vast expanse of the blue sky and smiling from ear to ear. 

Long rides in the back of the car, always excited to reach the destination, not worrying about how long the journey took. Long hours working on the car in the garage, ending the day with grease and grime all over my arms and face. Playing video games with friends for hours, never caring about who won but always for the sake of enjoying the time we had with each other. Long hours wrestling and fighting all across the yard, but never out of hate, always simply for fun. No caring about homework or career choice or money. So innocent, so pure, never worried about where life would take me, because it had never shown me a bad ending. I could close my eyes and live through it all again if I had the chance. 

You didn’t exist back then.

Time goes on, middle school arrives. Nothing bad ever came from it, the world just got a little bit bigger. Taking the car to school instead of walking, watching the ocean in the distance while eating a sandwich for lunch, talking to friends and playing games on our phones. Walking from class to class as the day drags on, smiling at cute girls in the hallways, and hearing them laugh as they walk past us. Staying up at sleepovers till the moon hid beneath the horizon, not falling asleep till the night sky was completely black. Long walks in the cool night air, laughing at all the inside jokes we’ve made before. Walking for hours down the sidewalk until the grass frosts over, and until we can see our breath. We would look up at the stars as they floated on by, waving at us, smiling with beaming faces. We didn’t have anything to run from, always putting one foot in front of the other.

Covid happens -- Lives come to a halt. We still ride bikes out in the street but at a distance. I see glimpses of the past but they feel faded. Faded like a murky puddle in the road after a rainstorm. The spark I’ve had all my life is losing heat. I no longer take life at a hundred miles an hour. My foot is on the pedal but the car is stalling, and my rear view mirror is black, with a dimly lit road ahead of me. I worry more about what others think, and not what makes me the happiest, like I felt back in the days. High school emerges into my vision. It's not like a skyscraper sticking out of the countryside, more like a figure slowly emerging from the fog in front of my ever-dimming headlights. Before I know it it's like I’ve been thrown into a hurricane, disasters striking me left and right, forcing the oxygen out of my ribcage, forcing me to keep clawing at the light coming from the center of the storm, but almost always out of reach. I lose track of time, the world keeps spinning, and there's no way I can keep up. The water rises from the previously calm shore, crashing over me, collapsing my body till it is just a hunched over shell of its previous stature. 

I start seeing you more.

You start to appear everywhere I turn, fearing you'll keep taking more from me. I see loved ones taken away from my life. They’ll never return, and the onslaught doesn’t seem to stop. The world spins, faster and faster, I can’t even grasp what matters most to me anymore. Others don’t see it, I look the same as ever on the outside. On the inside I am slowly slipping away, I can’t see through the tears that have been lost into the night, under that moonless sky that I still know is out there. I haven’t waited for that sky in so long. I can’t chase the sun that is always above my head -- it still shines down on me but now it feels lifetimes away. All I think about is you, constantly looking over my shoulder to see if you are still there. You keep taking and taking, and now I can’t ignore you. You look at me with black and bottomless eyes, forever falling into your skull. There's a reason I’m scared of you, I never talk about it though. I try to get ahead of what I think I know is coming, but can never fully predict the outcome that lies ahead of me. You’re dragging me down, I have to get out. 

In school, people that don’t actually care about me surround me at every turn I take, I don’t have anyone who I can trust. The friend I love the most betrays me, sapping all of the energy from my body, and all of the strength in my bones. My head is now completely submerged under the water, the fierce ocean waves crashing over me, tumbling me around in the dark abyss. It feels like a dream, I can’t fully understand what is happening, and my surroundings feel fake. Something that looks so real but is intangible, always evading me when I reach out for it. In a sudden and swift moment however, I see a ray of sunlight piercing through the dark ocean surface. I grab onto it, realizing I can’t take anymore pain and suffering within my mind. As I latch onto this glorious beam of light, it yanks me straight out of the water, sending my flying through the air. Tears of joy are blown off of my face from the wind, my smile is like the sun itself, finally rejoicing in reunion with the bright blue sky I know and love. I have cut off all ties with those who have brought me down, their chains cannot bind me to the depths and trenches that they reside in. Life at school turns from lost and hopeless to energetic and full of life. I start to see my old self again, shedding the shell of loss and despair off like a snake does to his skin. I jump start the car, engine roaring in my ears, and my foot is on the gas, as the dial passes one hundred. My peripheral view widens, as objects start to stretch to the edges of my vision and fly past me. I surround myself with those who truly care about me, and will look after me as I will for them. I start to value those who I spent the days running under the sun with, letting them know I’ll always be with them. We’ve accomplished so much together, and nothing has been able to stop us from doing amazing deeds. I couldn’t ask for more from life, and I intend to keep it this way. Quite some time passes like this, I reestablish my mind and my life to put myself back on my upward facing trajectory. You know what, all good things can last forever, right!?

… right?

My car is flying down the road, my beaming smile still stuck to my face. That's when I saw you again. I slam on the brakes, lurching to a halt, car swerving from side to side as the tread on my tires gets ripped away. Things will be different this time, I won’t run from you anymore. Maybe that old version of me would’ve kept driving, and let his windows stay black and foggy. I prefer to keep mine sunny and filled with the blue sky though. I see you standing in the distance, a black aura almost like a fire surrounds you, sapping the color from the plants you stand amongst. A shock gets sent through me, and I remember why I ran from you for years.

Why are you here?

I walk towards you, rage boiling in my stomach. You just stand there, looking at me with those hollow eyes and bleak expression. I stop, no more than a foot in front of you, and try to find some sign of life within that skull. Before I can tell what’s happening, a cloud of steam surrounds you, but I can see glimpses of what is happening beyond. I see your face start to contort and melt away, revealing something else underneath. I cover my face with my arm, as the heat I can feel from the steam is so intense I can't stand it anymore. As the cloud clears, I uncover my face, and I can’t believe what I’m seeing. I’m simply looking at a reflection of myself. While it may be a gray and life-draining form of myself, it's still just -- me. Deep down I’ve always known what I’ve been running from, but have never wanted to find the answer. This version of me that I’m looking at - it's not quite that simple. I’m not running from myself, more like just a piece of me, something that's been almost fundamental at parts of my life. Hoping it’ll be that easy, I ask “Why are you back?” To which the faded figure of myself says “I have one last trick up my sleeve” before closing his eyes and evaporating into thin air, returning the surroundings back to a normal bright and vivid color.

Coming back to reality, life continues as normal. Friends and family are great, I go on many more adventures, and I’m going full throttle. Then the day suddenly arrives. I had thought there would be nothing else taken from me for a long while, but man was I wrong. After experiencing so much loss, and seeing so much taken from me right in front of my eyes, I thought that would’ve been it, but you really weren’t kidding when you said you weren’t done. This time was definitely different, because no one could’ve seen this one coming, unlike old age or illness. It's like you swooped in overnight, like a bird carrying away its prey.  

Losing any family or friend is difficult - I, of all people would know that best. The pain you feel is unimaginable, and when you fly through life at my blistering pace, it's hard to pump the brakes, sit down for a while, and think about everything that you may be running from. I still sometimes see myself as that kid running down the street, laughing with my friends, smiling so much the sun would envy our glow. On one hand, I wish I could tell him everything he will see and do, and prepare him for the future better. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want to change a single thing about how I’ve become the person you see today, sitting right here. I’ve weathered the storm. I’ve fought with all of the grit and stubborn human determination I have, and now I am here before all of you, unchanged and on course from where I began from what seems like a lifetime ago. I won’t worry about what others think about me, some will love it, others may not. I appreciate the fact that those I care about the most are unapologetically themselves, and I have no reason to be any different. As much as I would love to live the days riding bikes and playing in the street over and over, I know I can’t. I won’t be able to grow into the person I’m meant to be if I’m stuck in the past. I can’t just keep running, I can’t skip over the difficult parts of my life, even where I felt pain the most. However I’m glad that I have come to terms with the past. I want to take all of the memories, good and bad, and make the most of them, and continue to look forward into the unknown that lies ahead of me.

To those who are no longer here with me on this strange place called Earth -- I hope you can hear me, wherever you all may be. I hope you see me down here looking up at the sky, its ever blue expanses hiding you all from my view. I’m sorry that it will probably be a very long time till we meet again, but I don’t want that day to come a moment too soon. I want to make the most of my time here -- I simply have to and there's no other way around it. I’ll chase the sun over and over, and maybe someday I’ll find the perfect place to enjoy its heat. I’ll breathe in the cold night air, feeling it blanket me with its familiar coolness, welcoming me into its domain. I'll continue to follow that moonless sky, until I can’t walk anymore. I miss you all more than you can imagine, and I can’t wait to see you again, till I can embrace you all once more. I hope there is peace wherever you are, and I hope you know I’ll never stop looking after those who matter most. 

And to you, who I am constantly checking my shoulder for, always trying to be one step ahead. I’m done running from you. I won’t let you dictate any steps I take. I won’t spend my life in your darkness, hiding from your shroud that covers everything good in my life. Whether you continue to do your evil works or not doesn’t matter anymore. I know how to handle the pain you dish out, and I can strive beyond it. I’m done running.

And to you all, listening to my story. This part of me that I have spent so long avoiding, I finally figured out what it is after all this time. Sometimes I need it, most of the time I don’t. Maybe I’ll find something better to define it with far in the future, but the way I see it is quite simple, and can be summed up with one word.

Fear.