Anxiety, I am unsure of your existence and why you seem to have consumed my entire being. For so long I have been sought out as an angry and on edge person, simply for the unknown fears that consume me. Which I don’t blame one person for assuming, as even right now deciding on the “right” thing to write about has left me sitting here for the past week in class getting familiar with the backspace key on the top right of my computer. As much as I am eager to address the dreaded anxiety, I am unsure of how to approach the ferocious beast. 

It may seem mediocre as anxiety isn’t uncommon. However, the ravish beast within, that tugs as I feel the need to overshare, to try and distract myself from my thoughts will eat me alive.  I am tired of the obscure looks I get as someone notices my cuticles that look almost as if they were sent through a paper shredder. The sharp stabbing pain that I get from the glances of everyone “staring at me” in the halls, as I make sure that my shorts aren't twisted, my hair is up to par, and my face is neutral, as I don’t want people to perceive me in the wrong manner. Exhausted, as I express these intense feelings and am hit with the boomerang of quotes that consist of,  “Just don’t let it bother you” or “Why do you let it get you?” These responses echo from my peers as if I wouldn’t have ceased to fix the problem if I knew the reasoning as to why my mind eats at itself. So, day in, and day out I am stuck. 

The tingly sensation that you leave as my face begins to go numb and soon after my limbs begin to give as the fear seems to shake from within me. I sit on the cold and uncomfortably sticky metal desk as I waiver the option to either clear the lump in my throat with a never-ending stream of droplets down my face or suffocate from the breaths of air that just aren’t quite there at the moment. Contemplating what to do I am stuck sitting in this classroom wondering what the cause of this spiral was. Without an answer, I move on with a smile on my face as the teacher continues with the notes from the day before. Still trapped in an apprehensive state of mind, I make sure to seem engaged, although most of the time I am drifting off into my thoughts. The bell snaps me out of worry as it is time to move on with my day. However, I am still left with the question of what truly caused this spiral today. Leaving me feeling alone, even with the many people around me. 

The engine dies to sleep as I pull the keys from the ignition of my car. As I unbuckle my seatbelt and gather all of my things from the day, I feel a sense of relief as I know that I am now able to call my mom. The ringing begins as I choose her name from the hundreds of contacts within my phone. For approximately 20 minutes our conversation goes on as I sob to her about the never-ending dread that consumes me from that day. Once she has soothed the anger that resides in me, I feel okay as I hit the round red button that will end our call. The relief I feel is not from the cure for anxiety, but rather the temporary ease that has washed over me from the 20-minute conversation with my mom that afternoon. Now, for the night I feel more at peace with my troubles and can say that I have made it through another day all thanks to that call. 

I have learned so much through my life of having anxiety. It has taught me how to panic, how to run away from my problems, how to destroy the others around me, but most of all it has taught me who is and, mainly isn’t truly there for me in my most vulnerable of times. I used to believe that one day I would be able to distinguish the exact reason why my anxiety exists. Although, as I hesitantly type today I am still left pondering when I will learn why anxiety chose me.