To past boyfriends,

Let’s start with Matthew, since that was how this all began.

Six months is how long we lasted. One minute is how long the voicemail that you left lasted. Are you serious, Matthew? You broke up with me over a voicemail on my Mom’s phone. You were my first “I love you,” and it was over that fast.

Then there was Parker. Oh, yeah, Parker. You definitely count.
You were my very first summer “romance.” I only call it a romance because you were all I thought about when I got home. I swear, I could’ve written a hundred letters like this to you. I actually thought you were the infamous “one.” Now I barely remember your last name.
The next boy that actually counts is Caleb.

Oh, Caleb, how you tore me apart. It was terrible, wasn’t it? How many times I believed you, I mean. You knew I would, which is why you said the things you did. You were my second “I love you,” but you were the first person I actually meant it towards. Now that I think about it, I understand why you did it. I know I’m not stunning, or the type of girl that gets a double look in the hallways, but you’re not that kind of boy, so you don’t have the right to say shit.

Next would be Justin.

Justin M.; I never did find out your middle name. I don’t much think it matters now, does it? We lasted a little over three weeks, I think. Not quite a month, but almost. You shouldn’t really be in this letter; you weren’t much of a boyfriend. Want to know the real reason I – well, Bailey – broke up with you? It wasn’t that you didn’t talk; you did. It was because I’m afraid of commitment because of bozo up there.

Then Tim; if he even counts, that is.

Timothy Levi B.; you idiot. I hope you didn’t expect to get ass when you dated me, because apparently, I’m the school good girl. Not your type, is it Timmy? No, Tori H. is more your type. Which now we all know that, since you dated her two days after I dumped you for Caleb. Interesting.

Last and least, Ryan.

My first I love you was a big deal, but you- you were my first kiss. After all the offers I’ve gotten, you actually did it. Wasted, I think. We lasted a week, and I really wish Matt wouldn’t have told me what you said. Now I just want to punch the shit out of you, ass hole.
Love,
Your Dear, Dear Ex-Girlfriend.