When they see her, they see an average teenager. But when she looks in the mirror, she sees a failure. She sees all the mistakes and blame right there on her face. She tries to look away but she can't. She tries to accept defeat but she can't. When she looks in the mirror, she's trying to find who she really is, but is never successful.


"You don't know how easy you have it." my mother says to me, I laugh and I think to myself "You just don't know me." I've never been the teenager close enough with her mom to tell her who she likes and how she feels. But we've always had a good relationship... Well good enough. And lately it seems like that "friendship" is crumbling. It feels like nothing I do is ever good enough for her. I work hard for my seemingly perfect grades, yet she never rewards me. Not that I'm expecting anything, but when I hear my friends say "I got a C! My mom is going to be so proud!" it's kind of a slap in the face. I used to always think my mom was pretty fair about things but I've been realizing her faults. She complains about working an 8 hour shift, sitting behind a computer, on a chair all day, while my father works two jobs back-to-back, lifting lumber and doing maintenance until 10:00 at night. My mother doesn't even cook dinner anymore, my uncle does. And she says I have it easy. Yeah right. She doesn't know the thoughts that run through my mind. And I think they would give her a real shock. I'm not the peppy, confident girl she sees at home. I'm a low self-esteem, shy, girl who hates everything about her and her life.


It's not fair when my parents call me irresponsible when I go to the library to work on a project. Maybe if I drop out of school, maybe then they'll appreciate all I've done. Sure, I'm young, but its not like I don't have opinions or feelings. Why do they always feel the need to put me down? And blame me for things the first chance they get, when I had nothing to do with it?


"No no, I'm fine. Really, I am." a phrase I use quite often. One time I took a quiz, just to see because lately I had been feeling a little run down, well a lot actually.The quiz title was 'Are you depressed?' I'd never thought of the way I felt as being depressed until I saw the results of that quiz. I told my mom and she just laughed "What could you possibly have to be depressed about?" I laughed too, but not meaning it, and said "Yeah, I know right?" What could I be upset about? How about the fact that I hear people snickering about me behind my back, or sometimes to my face, or how about the fact that I feel like everything I do is stupid, and I feel incomplete, or maybe its because I constantly feel like no one loves me and no one cares about me or anything I do? Wait, I'm sorry I have a perfect life, and this just my hormones, right? Well, I began putting one and one together. You know, really figuring things out. And a lot of my actions, could be a side affect of that. like to think its because I'm forced to bottle everything up, why would anyone want to listen to what I have to say? Who cares?


I must admit, compared to some people I do have it easy. But to me, my life isn't all it's cracked up to be. I always feel misunderstood, like no one get gets me. And sometimes I over-think things, and I just want to talk to someone about it. About everything, the fact that I could possibly be depressed, or the fact that I'm shy and not confident in myself. But no one will take the time to hear my story, because no one believes me. So I'll just hide behind the walls I've built and I'll put on that fake smile so permanently glued to my face, so familiar to me, and I'll just keep walking. Like my life is perfect. Because it is, honestly I swear.