Being a kid in preschool isn’t that hard. You run, play; learn to read and all that nice stuff. The biggest struggle was waiting for nap time. I was never a bad kid, I was curious and eager to learn new things in class, I was an angel. I didn’t eat play-doh or like glue like those other weirdoes in my class. And I didn’t cry or fuss when they gave us veggies for lunch. I never went around looking for trouble, which was always the best thing to avoid growing up on the streets of New York. But Trouble had a weird way of finding me.

I walked into class, smile beaming. I looked around and saw princesses, cowboys, pirates, mummies, fairies and dozens of supermen. It was Halloween and it was the annual Pre-K Costume Party. I never really celebrated any holidays growing up, but at this point being so young, my mom thought it would be ok to dress up. My mom had helped me all that morning to put on my Amazing Batman Costume complete with tool belt and cape. I walked into class that day full of pride and joy singing “dunna dunnna dunnna dunnna dunnna Batman!”

There wasn’t an actual contest but I’m sure if there was one, I would’ve won hands down. Sure Superman was cool, but there was like 7 in the class, and even as kids everyone knew that Batman could kick ass. Of course, being 4 years old, we just said butt. The party commenced shortly after I arrived, with tons of sweets and soda for us little ones to munch on. Looking back, it probably wasn’t the best idea to have that much sugar in one area around preschoolers, nonetheless it wasn’t a surprise when half the kids crashed and dozed off for the rest of day. Maybe that was their plan all along. But not for me! No, I was Batman “dunna dunnna dunnna dunnna dunnna” my 4 year old body was running on the high of life (mostly sugar), and nothing was going to stop me! Except for my bladder…

Halfway during the party, I had to make a quick visit to the Batcave. The bathroom was situated in the corner of the room, like most pre-k rooms, because they didn’t want the kids to leave the class. However, apparently all the other Supermen had to pee too. So I just walked on over chanting “dunna dunnna dunnna dunnna dunnna” and waited for my turn. Finally after waiting for what seemed like forever I opened the door and went in. I went into the stall and looked down at the toilet. I lifted the seat and was about go about my business when I realized, there was no zipper! Apparently the manufacturer never thought that Batman would have to use the bathroom.

I started freaking out; I couldn’t hold it in much longer. How in the world was I supposed to urinate like this! They don’t teach this kind of stuff before nap time. I would’ve taken off the costume, that would’ve been the simplest solution, BUT I had needed my mom’s help to put it on because the zipper was in the back. I started struggling to reach the zipper. Futile. I gave up and started to see if there was anything in my utility belt that could help me. Nada. I had to think fast, I didn’t bring a change of clothes and there was no way I could keep the dignity of being Batman with a giant pee stain. I grabbed the plastic that encircled my waist and started to pull, I ripped a hole along my crotch area so that I would be able to pee through it, now granted it wasn’t the cleanest rip (I was 4) but it at least it was something.

You ever get that feeling when you are in the bathroom, and you unzip your pants and you suddenly feel, almost instinctively, like your brain takes that as a signal to pee? Well that’s what happened to me. As soon as I found a way out of peeing on myself my brain decided to go. Boom! dunna dunnna dunnna dunnna dunnna urination! But alas! I was lucky, I didn’t actually pee on myself. At the last second I was able to aim the stream so that it flowed out of my costume (phew) that was a close one, so close I didn’t even notice the splattering of pee on the wall. I looked over. I was peeing on the wall! I panicked yet again. I started jumping up and down as if that would stop the pee, but it only scattered it more. The stream had deflected off the fold of the plastic where I ripped my costume and had made a sharp turn toward the side. I was fidgeting trying to get the stream to the actual toilet, but with no avail. I jumped onto the toilet; I was standing on it, trying to aim straight down. But of course, the movement of jumping had shifted by costume and my urine stream decided to go straight up instead of down. I was peeing on the top of the toilet! Finally by the time I had figured out how to angle it, I was all done, my bladder was relieved. But I was not. I took step back to look at my work

There was pee EVERYWHERE, except in the actual toilet bowl. It was clear blue. But the bathroom was splattered in urine. I looked around, paranoid, to see if anyone could see this. Of course not, I was in the stall. I took a deep breath and flushed the toilet, seeing as I had been in there for quite some time, and not flushing would’ve been rude and suspicious (however in this case it was a waste of water)
I stepped outside slowly, peeking my head out first to make sure no one was there. There wasn’t- everyone was either napping or playing or eating. I looked for the teacher and ran straight to her. “Ms! Ms!” I whispered, “I need to tell you something.” I brough her over to the corner of the room, and whispered into her ear “I had an accident” she quickly jumped back and tried to inspect my butt, and I said, “Nooo, in the bathroom”, puzzled she asked if I was ok, and when I replied that I was, but the bathroom was not, she inquired further. I explained how I had pee’d everywhere, but before I could explain myself she had already ran to the bathroom to inspect it.

If you ever saw Daddy Day Care, you might remember the scene where the little boy comes out of the bathroom proudly proclaiming that he missed. And the Dad who walks in and screams that the poop is everywhere. Well now imagine that scene, except with about 20 other preschoolers, a teacher, pee, and me in a Batman Costume. She Yelled “YOU PEED EVERYWHERE!?” And I was like, woah woah calm down, She had even woken the kids who were sleeping, at least they didn’t know it was me. “MICHAEL HOW COULD YOU!?” Damnit… If I had known any swears at that age, then I would’ve spewed some non heroic language. Everyone looked at me, I just slunk down into the corner of the room. Embarrassed out of my mind, I brought shame to my Batman Costume. I was no longer worthy to be the Dark Knight. But worst of all my teacher had the audacity to proclaim it to the room! I had confided in her and she had betrayed me! How on earth do you do that to a 4 year old? The janitor came and cleaned it up, but by that point, my 1st actual Halloween was already ruined.

I haven’t dressed up since.