“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” -Buddha
Pathetic.
/p??THetik/
Arousing pity, especially through vulnerability or sadness.
Pathetic. Pathetic is how I feel when I just stand there and let myself be attacked from every direction. Pathetic is how I can describe the 7 hours of hell I participated in day to day at a place that I am suppose to feel safe at. Pathetic is how I can sum up the harassment I got about my flaws and my insecurities.... Pathetic. The one word that sums up my 6th grade year perfectly.
November, 2010. The whole moving school routine was new for me at the time considering I attended the same school with the same peers since 1st grade. I was nervous yet anxious to check in to Slater Elementary as the “new girl”. My face would be an unfamiliar one amongst the other kids and I felt that after a week or so I would fit right in with my brand-new classmates. Wrong. Jesse was his name. The name that echoed the hallways when the teachers screamed at him for making fun of the “new girl”. The name that the other kids would speak about with a golden glow; as if he was some kind of hero for “speaking his mind”to the kids he had something against. All my other fellow classmates felt proud slipping that despicable name off of their tongue. I on the other hand loathed loathednamee Jesse. I wouldn’t dare mention his name; for it was as equal to the condition of roadkill. The hatred and anger that would rise up inside me like an angered bull was ferocious when I heard the infamous name Jesse descend from a classmates mouth. I hated this boy with everything I could hate him with; And you want to know why?
There are several words that stand out to me that classify Jesse but the word that comes to my mind the fastest is “bully”. And he was. Every chance he got Jesse would represent that title. He was your stereotypical bully. Although my fellow classmates did get their share of the harassment from Jesse I got the other chunk of the abuse. No, no, he didn’t come beating on me with his fists, but the words that escaped his mouth hurt just as bad; maybe even worse. His words bruised me so intensely it eventually grew to the point where a fist to my cheek at full speed would have been less painful for me to withstand.
“ Hey Cameron. Or should I just call you CAMEL since you look like one anyway!”
“Jesse, shut-up.” I responded.
“ No thanks. It’s not like you’d make me shut-up or anything.You’re too fat to move here fast enough anyway..” Jesse replied. On and on and on he went with the criticisms about me.
“ Just walk away..” I repeat to myself.
Just.
Walk.
Away... The hurt I would feel when some of my classmates would just dumbly stand around watching and occasionally snicker made me feel useless. Ugh.Why in the world did I put up with all this? Because I gave up hope and I didn’t want to talk about it. Discussing the topic was embarrassing . I felt no one would understand or even relate to how I was feeling. When you live life continuing to bottle everything that bothers you up,, it’s hard to empty out the essences of the bottle without spilling a little; And I was afraid of spilling. The hurt and pain that festered inside me screamed to the high heavens. How could I describe that to someone? See? My problem was, I couldn’t. I had no idea how. My confidence was still trying to recover from all the bashing,insultt, and distress it has gone through. My happiness didn’t know how to withstand all the abuse so it just tried to adjust to all the offensive and hurtful verbal abuse. My theory was, “ If I learned to withstand all this hatred that is being fired at me daily, maybe it will all just go away.” I was wrong; and I learned this the hard way.

“Hey Jesse.”
“You smell. Get away. Ew. I'm gonna barf.” He responded.
“Forget it. I can’t get along with this kid even if my life depended on it.” I say to myself.
“ Jesse, please just stop.”
I feel tears running down my cheek. I can’t comprehend what just happened. One minute I was trying to come up with something to defend myself, some comeback that would get Jesse off my back. Next thing I know, a rapid fire ofinsultts and comoments are being hurdled at me from every direction. Kids who appeared from nowhere started laughing. At me. But why? Then it all clicks.
That night I fell asleep to the taste of moist salt on my cheeks and lips and the sound of a cry that only broadcasted of loneliness and pain. I felt hated. Nobody liked me, but that didn’t bother me as much as the question I kept asking myself; What is so bad about me that makes them hate me?
Then, I made the bravest decision I had made in a while; why don’t I just stand up for myself?
I know why I gave up in the first place, but now it was time to regain my confidence, and finally show Jesse and them what I’m actually made of.
No. I am NOT ugly. I do NOT smell. I AM smart,and I DO have people who love me and support my decisions, and I will fight till my heartaches to once and for all prove to Jesse and them who they are messing with.
And that was the end of it. A beautiful morning in March, with the sun shining onto the playground, almost as if the rest of the world was cheering me on for this day. Jesse and his posse decided to throw the usual hateful comoments at me. a little after the bell rang.
“Hey Ugly.” Jesse bellowed at me. Likewise, I didn’t respond right away. Instead, I took a deep breathe and got ready for my turn for the spotlight; my turn to knock the socks off of Jesse. The funny thing is, he didn’t know what hit him.
“ I’m sick of you.” I spat at him. Startled, he stood quiet and a little shocked; and for the first time in a long time the stage was mine. It was my time to show this kid who he was messing with and what he got himself in for, starting from the beginning.
“ Don’t even try to step on me anymore. You’re pathetic. What gives you the right to pick on all of us? Huh? How DARE you? You’re a selfish person filled with nothing but ugly. Ugly words, ugly personality.. It disgusts me how you feel its OKAY to treat people like they’re NOTHING..”
“Yeah, ha okay Ca-”
“Just SHUT-UP!? Everything that comes out your mouth is just pitiful! I feel sorry for you Jesse. You know why? Because you’re nothing but a pitiful human being who doesn't know how to treat others right. No one likes you.” Jesse stood stunned, and unable to speak. He turned on his heal, and walked in the opposite direction of me, with a blank expression on his face...
And that was the end of it. Jesse would watch his mouth when he was talking to me, on the rare occasion that we did communicate. He stopped the teasing and verbal abuse. It was all gone; as if the bullying never even happened in the first place.
You would think I would have held a grudge against Jesse for the rest of the year for what he did to me; but one thing I was able to grasp throughout this experience in my life, it was to learn to forgive. No, I’m not going to forget what Jesse did to me, and just let him walk all over me again, but living my life with hatred in my system, I will never truly be happy. Like Buddha quotes, holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. So thank you Jesse. Thanks for pushing me to tears and making my self confidence at its lowest.
All I have to say is thank you. Thank You to my attackers for pushing me to tears and making my self confidence at its lowest. You cracked me; You wounded me.but I would like to remind you that wounds heal. My confidence built itself up once more and learned how to protect against people like you. When I was all battered and bruised I learned how to avoid being harmed; I learned from the damage. Not only that, you are the reason that I look upon the scars that forever stain my precious skin and determine that I am strong; I was able to get through the roughest of times and still come out sturdy. Because I am brave. I am smart. I am me. An individual who learned to love myself as a whole.