Dad,

I still remember how my knees went weak when Jamie told me to quickly gather up my stuff and get in her car during warm-up right before a big game. In that moment, I was terrified to lose everything that’s ever been important to me.

I couldn’t hold back the tears or stop gripping the door handle while in the car, as the hospital crept closer and closer. [All I could picture was not being able to see you anxiously walk into the ball park to watch me play softball in your short sleeve button-up shirt with khaki shorts and flip flops, with a cooler trailing behind you and a lawn chair and umbrella slung over your shoulder. I can’t forget your white ball cap too; you’re always wearing that thing.]-SNAPSHOT. As I walked into the doors I felt sick to my stomach. The words “emergency procedure” aren’t very welcoming if you ask me. My eyes and face became drenched while they were wheeling you on the bed toward the procedure room and stopped so we could see you. The tears rolling down your face and the way you were trembling with fear broke my heart as you grabbed my hand and told me you loved me.

The waiting room was full of our family, sitting there with blank faces, and wet eyes, not knowing how to feel. [Trying to distract myself, I studied the blue walls that made the room into a perfect square, the tan leather chairs with wooden arm rests, and the stacks of magazines next to me on the wooden stand that I couldn’t even think about reading. I looked at the coffee machine in the corner where mom was getting coffee and thought about how you have to drink it every single morning.]-SKETCH PLACE. The anticipation was fuming. As the 3rd hour of us sitting there approached, the doctor leaped into the room with a smile on his face, and that’s when we all knew we could breathe again. As he told us that you barely made it, and basically had one foot in the grave, a pit formed in my stomach.

When I almost lost you, it was kind of a reality check, and a lesson to never take you for granted. It taught me to show the love I have for you as it grows stronger every day. You are the most stubborn, stressed out, short-fused man I know, but that will never out rule how strong, hardworking, and selfless you are. You have used every bit of your strength to allow us seven kids to have a great life and I could never thank you enough for that. Through the financial struggles, emotional struggles, and every obstacle that got in your way, you never failed to put us before yourself, or show your unfailing love for us. I know aviation sales is a hard business to run, but you’ve pulled through so you could support us. [It makes me happy when you come into the house just ecstatic to tell us you closed a huge deal with your black dress pants, polo, dress shoes; hair combed to the side, and blue tooth in your ear with your phone hooked to your belt.]-SNAPSHOT. I love that you feel accomplished and proud because you absolutely deserve to. The point is, if I would have lost you that day, it would have taken everything from me. You are and always will be the first man I loved. I see you and I having a different relationship than most teenage girls with their fathers. I wouldn’t ask for anything more, or anything less.

When you gave me my car, I asked myself what I would want to hang from my rear view mirror. I couldn’t think of anything, so I just forgot about it. A couple days later, while fetching mom’s earrings out of my jewelry box, I came across my necklace charms from the daddy-daughter dances, and I knew they were exactly what I wanted to hang from my mirror. The reason I chose them, is because that way, whenever I get into my car, I see them, and it makes me feel happy inside. It reminds me of the amazing times we had at the dances, and how much those nights meant to me. We danced like maniacs during the fast songs, and danced slowly with my head on your chest during the slow ones. I stepped on your feet so many times, and actually felt stupid, but you just laughed at me, and told me I was doing great and that I’d be an expert by the end of the night. [I’ll never forget the way your pale, skinny legs worked it on the dance floor, or how your mustache tickled my face when you kissed my forehead. You looked so nice at the beginning with your brownish-gray hair combed to the side, but by the end of the night you were soaking wet with sweat.]-SKETCH PERSON. Those are the nights that I loved the most. [Other people might not think so, but those little green, pink, and black heart-shaped charms with the multi-colored flowers in the middle, and little studs hanging off the bottom hold so much meaning.]-SNAPSHOT. I’ll never forget those nights I spent with you, and the way we bonded. If I could go to just one more dance with you, even at sixteen years old, I would never pass up the chance.

Those charms will always hang from my mirror, as a reminder of how I almost lost you, and to remind me of those nights we had together. Every time I get in my car and see them, I take a deep breath, and thank god right there that he didn’t take you from me. I’ll never be ready to lose you, and I definitely wasn’t that day. I look forward to the years I still get the chance to spend with you, and I will always make them count, because now I know what it feels like to think I might have to live without you. No words will ever be able to describe how much meaning you hold in my life as a father, a best friend, and an amazing role model.

I love you.

Jaycie