I laid there, in the darkness of the night, moonlight peaking in through the open window. Cold air blew in, as the curtains fluttered around the room. I looked at my wrist as blood slithered down my arm and onto the feathered floor. I couldn’t even feel the pain for it was the feeling I learned to embrace. What have I done? The question spun in my mind as the razor fell to the floor. I closed my eyes and knew that this was the worst mistake of my life. This was the last cut that would send me to the dark settle sleep that lies ahead of me. I opened my eyes again. A tender teardrop fell from my eye. My body went numb and my heart fell a beat behind. What drew me to this madness? What if I died? What would that show me? Nothing…

The madness had been going on for 5 years, mixed with drugs, drinking and everything else that was the tour of reckless behavior. My life felt like hell in disguise of a good child. It seemed great and fun but I never even thought of the consequences. Even during that time, I still felt hatred and sadness. I did things that I was not proud of and now in the mirror and see a person that I do not recognize. I’m bleeding out, and for what? A little attention or maybe it was a cry for help. But I could never say it. I was never sober or home. This is the first time in years that I’ve been home for more than an hour.

How could I do this to myself? Why did my problems get this far? There is no reason for that at all. This just proves that I am, and until my last breath, will be a MORON! Sad to admit it but it was one hundred percent true. What a waste of a life, I never even gave myself the chance to change it and make it better once again. How pathetic everyone must have seen me. That girl who could never seem to get over the past, see her cry over something that ate her up from years ago. I don’t really blame them, because that’s exactly how I saw myself as well. Nothing seemed to have changed over the years, just the names and places. I f***ed up my life as it ventured on into a new reality. I was scared at the many possibilities of everything everyone wanted me to be. My grandparents wanted to be a college-bound student that searched for a bright future. My dad wanted me to be happy, something that he never knew. But my brother wanted that perfect older sister that would protected him every step of the way.

Expectations that I could never live up to. I would try my best to be this perfect form, but in the end it was never worth the cost. I would never be pleased with who I was, I would never be perfect enough for me. I never promised my family that I would live up to the name that they gave me. I would always be the worth child that had no future in the first place. My younger brother Cory would be the one to succeed in life just because he saw me mess up so many times. He could learn from my mistakes and perfect the path that I was once on. What lead me to this?