My life used to be normal, you know. Back when I was little. I had friends. I liked going to school and playing dress up. I ran around all wild annoying my brother. You know typical kid stuff. I remember my mom reading fairytales to me where the girl overcomes everything, gets the prince and everyone lives happily ever after. Now I have realized just how unrealistic this is. Somewhere along the line in my life something went wrong. I did not ask for it nor did I want it happen, but it did. Something changed inside of me as I got older. I don’t know if it was one thing or a multitude of things stringed together that caused it. All I do know is that it messed me up, and I will not get that happily ever after I remember reading about.
For me, February 20th of sixth grade was the day that seemed to have a domino effect. Every change that had ever occurred could be linked back to this day in one way or another. It was the day that my childhood innocence was shattered. It was the day I realized that the world is never as it seems that not everyone will be on your side and nothing is ever simple nor will it ever be. It was the day I realized what your parents try to protect their kids from, pain.

You know when you have an experience where your world literally comes crashing down. Everything moves in slow motion and in that moment you realize you will remember it for the rest of your life. Years later you can recall every little detail. You remember the clothes you wore and what everyone in the room was doing. You remember the time, the place, the weather. Every little detail you can replay in your head as if it was a movie you had just seen yesterday. You cannot pinpoint it but you know there was just something about that moment that it changed your life for good or for bad. You realize now that it will turn your life upside down. Everything you knew, or thought you knew, will be no longer. You are left speechless and alone. The impression that the world was all rainbows, ponies and unicorns is gone and life no longer feels simple. Up until that point you could not have imagined anyone hurting you or deceiving you. All you do know everything will change.

That day started out like any other day in February. There was snow on the ground. It was chilly. I was just your average middle schooler. The first half the day went by normally. I could not tell you what I learned in my classes that day. It was like any other day until study hall. I remember sitting down at a desk doing math problems, integers. Then, all my friends came up to me and asked if we could talk over by the door. I went thinking it was just typical middle school gossip, but it wasn’t. It was silent at first. You could feel the tension in the air. My best friend, the one I had known since kindergarten, starts talking. She stutters like she cannot seem to find the right words, but finally utters, “we need space from you. Just go away.” I don’t remember the rest of the conversation. I could not tell you what I did or what I said. It was at that point that everything started to move in slow motion. I did not even comprehend the situation until after. It felt like a movie. Nothing like this was supposed to happen to me. I was just a girl. All I wanted to do was run to the bathroom and cry.

The rest of the day was a blur as well as the next few months. The days dragged on. The comments they made in the hall every time we saw each other continued. Every time I saw any one of those girls, I wanted to cry. I knew I could not though. I could not show weakness. I had to stay strong. I would not give in to them. I could not give into them.


It is truly amazing how one moment that lasted a minute or two could make such an impact on my life. Still to this day, I remember everything about that day. I am not resentful about what happened. It broke me at the time. I am still recovering from it years later. I can still feel that raw pain when I think about it. I can still hear their voiced echoing in my mind telling me I do not belong, that I am ugly, that I do not deserve to live. I may not be able to fully trust or open up to people ever again because of this. Despite everything that happened, I am not resentful for what happened. It made me into the empathetic and caring person that I am today. I do not wish what they did to me would happen to them. I know what it feels like to be so low so down on yourself that you do not have the will to carry on. I know what it feels like to look in the mirror and not recognize the image that appears before you. I know that feeling all too well and I would never wish that upon anyone. It is a dark place down there, a place that I am lucky to return from.

Sometimes I sit back and wonder what would have happened if nothing had ever happened to me. Would I be happier? Would I have friends? Would I still have trust issues? The answers I may never know, but I have to be able to move on for my sake.