I never knew I would do this

Never knew they would hurt me so bad I hurt myself

Everything went spiraling down that night.

I sat in my room, the cold metallic blade in between my thumb and pointer finger making small lines on my pale scar free wrist. The putrid smell of rusty metal mixed with my depression coming off me Like the smell of garbage when you walk by a trash can that had not been emptied for awhile.

I had refused to leave my room at all, only going to the kitchen when it was time to eat I would sit quietly eating not making eye contact and making sure my sleeves did not get pulled up when I felt full I went back to my room.

Back to the monster.

Back to everything I knew.

Sitting in my room, heavy metal screaming through my speakers thoughts attacking me eating me bit by bit. The monster came to play his game. I grabbed the metal its silver glint as it drew a picture on its damaged rough canvas.

I felt the relief the monster gave me. I heard my sobs that she created. The warmth leaking from my wrist on to my shorts and thighs.

The monster took over, She was me and I was her she said to me calmingly “Little girl, don’t worry, your cries aren’t heard; your free like a bird” She was right no matter how loud my pleads, my cries, my screams, were no one was going to help me.

One line, red on the side, Two lines, Another lie, Three lines a cry, More lines more Lies. She makes more pictures Fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, emo, freak everything they called me echoed in my head like my little sisters favorite song she plays on repeat everyday.

God. I always thought he was suppose to guide you through your darkest times why wasn’t he guiding me? “God why me?” i thought.

Another line.Another stain. They just bring more pain.

The monster cried, pleaded, and begged for more as she ate my insides.

When I was little I remember seeing on the news about a teen girl who committed suicide. Now I wondered would that girl be ME?

I took my notebook I wrote letters to everyone I knew,loved,cared about, even the people who hurt me or said hi to me in the halls or tried to try to start a conversation with me but I pushed them away. I ripped the letters out, hearing the rip of the paper stuffed them in a box. Would this be the end?

Steps. Sprints. I went to the bathroom. It was about two am I wrapped up my damaged, wounded, destroyed wrist. Waves of pain went through me not just physically, emotionally too.

Time came close.

I calmed down and dozed of,f Now it was monday.I had to get ready for school with no sleep.
I put on long sleeves and many thick rubber bracelets to cover my emotions, my self inflicted wounds. The monster knew she had won her game, she knew she played it well. Days after days of long sleeves. heavy make up. fake smile. fake act. Fake laugh.

At that point I knew they had hurt so bad, so much, I would rather die than be alive .

I knew that the monster Is and will play many more games.

But I also knew this Habit wasn’t over. This pain, this game, nothing is ever going to be over.

At least not for me,the monster and the girl who is fighting to be herself.
Her cries were never forgotten and never will be.