I'm afraid of bees. I'm afraid of roller coasters. I don't like any bugs for that matter. I'm afraid of parking garages late at night, the idea of my cat running away, any sort of scary movie, anything that pops out at me, and looking like I don't know how to walk in high heels. I am terrified of not being good enough and living a mediocre life. I live the life of someone with severe atelophobia.

While I found it on the Internet so it very well may be fabricated, the idea behind it still holds truth. Atelophobia is the fear of not being good enough. Whether it be not good enough on a test, not having enough extracurriculars, friends, or even the perfect necklace to top complete my outfit, I detest not being good, at everything.

If I am not naturally talented at something, I will immediately become discouraged and give up. Who didn't do too well on their first playing test on the flute? Me. Who ended up not sticking in the band for more than two years? Me again. Who has always struggled with math? Me. Who instead of working even harder to compensate has instead put math on the back burner out of frustration? If you guessed myself, then you would be correct. If I don't do well immediately I automatically make whatever it is I didn't excel at no longer a part of my life (or I try as much as possible). I will stubbornly declare it not worth my time and move on, because the thought of failure keeps me up at night.

A factor which most certainly does not help anyone with this fear, is society's ever-changing definition of what "good enough" is. At one point good enough meant receiving A's, B's, and even a few C's in school to then go on to a university to work towards a four-year degree, and then get a job, maybe start a family. Throw a white picket fence or two in and a furry best friend named Spot and you have the classic American dream. Only that isn't enough anymore. The American dream is transforming and growing into an out of control and manicured and tailored aspiration towards completely perfect: receive perfect grades to be accepted into the perfect university for you, receive a doctorate (because you know that a Bachelor's degree while it requires a small fortune, mental sanity, and strenuous learning, is no longer all that is needed for "successful" careers today), get your perfect job (it must be something exciting and wonderful and you must love it and be good at it but it must also contribute to society and be exemplary- like you), and then you must make sure your perfection is evident in every other aspect of your life. This idea exhausts me, but it is also something that I have been fed to the point that I believe it. I fear mediocrity as well. I'm scared that if I am no better than anyone else my life isn't much worth living. Another fear to add to the list.

Now I must not be good, I must be the best. The best what you may ask? The best everything. The best student, the best dressed, the best friend to have, I need to be the president of every club, need to be Homecoming and Prom Queen, need to be valedictorian, need to always have my nails painted, need to date so that I'm not viewed as socially awkward and die alone, need to be the funniest, the prettiest, the smartest, the most successful, the most this, the most that, the most everything. I realize this is an impossible aspiration. However, that doesn't mean that my self worth and pride in myself is taken away until I do achieve this.

It may not be a healthy mentality to have, it is one that society has shoved upon me. If I do not exceed, I will flounder and my life will be a waste. If I do not have a successful life your living has been a waste. If I do not get accepted into college and have my dream job, my life is a waste. If I do not marry the love of your life and have a whirlwind romance, my life is a waste. If I am not accepted to college, my life is a waste. If I do not make spectacular grades, my life is a waste. If I do not do well on my test, my life is a waste. Living with this mentality is absolutely exhausting, but it is one that I will not go without, because I'm afraid and scared of looking back on my life one and seeing a pointless expanse of years put together. I'm afraid of making no impact on this world. I'm afraid my presence will not change anything. I'm afraid of not being afraid of not being good enough.