Ever since I was little, I've had a speech impediment. Of course I never realized it, but apparently everyone else did. S’s and Z’s. My worst nightmare. Slide, zebra, plurals, Zeus, scream, sea, seal, sit, stand, see, surround, strategy, strange, slap, this goes on for a long time. Z’s are a little harder to avoid. If I wanted to say zebra, it’s easier to say sebra. Not joking. I just can’t seem to make my mouth do the right thing. And even if I think I say “sebra”, everyone else hears “-s-s--ebra”.
I've always spoken very quickly and muddled on top of that. Ever since last year I've been really embarrassed about it. But there are so many things to say and so many people to say it to, so it doesn't really stop me.
I've found myself scanning a reading passage looking for S’s and Z’s before I volunteered to read out loud. If the passage had too many of those devil sounds, I wouldn’t raise my hand. If it didn't, everything was fine and dandy.

Along with that, I find myself rewording raising-hand answers to not include S’s or Z’s. This is basically what goes on:

Teacher: “What are some symbols of Anne Frank?”

Me mentally: “S?o?m?e? One e?x?a?m?p?l?e? is (Note: ‘is’ is one of my greatest enemies. IZ? IS? Both awful.) when the door of the S?e?c?r?e?t? ?A?n?n?e?x? hiding p?l?a?c?e? ? location r?e?p?r?e?s?e?n?t?s? shows how the J?e?w?s? Jewish people were o?s?t?r?a?c?i?z?e?d? hidden away from the normal s?o?c?i?e?t?y? world.”

It’s so easy to just type and hear my writing narrated by a girl with a normal voice, but even saying words like “It’s” or “voice” or “so” is mentally painful.

I've always envied spoken word poets because how in the world do they do that. With such emotion, dynamic flow, the way they can speak really fast and still have everyone understand what they’re saying. In fact, in another life with a prettier speaking voice, I would want to become a spoken word poet. That would be fun. Alas, I’m forced to stick to writing.

The thing is: I don’t realize what I sound like. I don’t realize that I’m doing the wrong s sound, the wrong z sound. Hearing myself on a recording was horrifying, let me tell you.

I ask myself, how can I be a functioning human being if I can’t even pronounce “sky” correctly?

And do you know how hard it is to pretend to be a bee now? I can’t even say “BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.”

So with these painful humiliations on my back, I trudged to school everyday wanting to just keep my head down and ear-buds in, not wanting to attempt to speak anymore. Speaking was a chore, enunciating a death penalty.

As we all know, though, just avoiding a problem doesn't make it go away. No matter for how long I stayed silent, the speech impediment was only going to get worse. Not speaking wouldn't solve anything.
I also have a group of very fun friends who want to hear my corny jokes and my opinions and my observations. It didn't bother them that I couldn't pronounce “listen”.

Even if I was incredibly hard on myself, I had to realize it wasn't that big of a deal. So what I couldn't pronounce S’s and Z’s? I can pronounce A’s, B’s, C’s, D’s, E’s, F’s, G’s, H’s, I’s, J’s, K’s, L’s, M’s, N’s, O’s, P’s, Q’s, R’s, T’s, U’s, V’s, W’s, X’s, and Y’s.

These little insecurities we have in ourselves isn't what defines us as people. I’m not known as the girl who can’t pronounce S’s and Z’s. I’m known as the nerd. (I take the title on with pride.) In this ongoing experience, I learned to speak like myself, no matter how hard speaking was.