“Childhood should be carefree, playing in the sun; not living a nightmare in the darkness of the soul.”

-Dave Pelzer, A Child Called "It"

In a moment of silence, I sit here thinking. The teacher looks around the room, “think about a time where your look on life changed. Something you learned that was maybe hard to hear, or that was hard to think about,” he smiled and walked around the circle of chairs. “Everyone will have times like this in their life; however, what you do with those things, are what shapes you are a person .” He looks straight at me and my eyes drop to the notebook in front of me. The bell rings and everyone begins to talk in groups.

What the teacher said really stuck in my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Everytime the same memory popped into my head. The memory from 2010, my first adoption. I was 12 and this is my story.

I sat there in front of the school, not knowing what to think. My brother, whom I haven’t seen in over 3 years, is coming to get me today, and I have no idea why. It slightly worried me, because of the fact that he never came out of his way to do anything for me since he left. The day he just packed up and left, not giving the family a second thought. I didn’t hear from him anymore. It was like he dropped off the face of the earth. He chose to leave, over his little sister that needed him to be there for her (I don’t know how you could turn your back on family). He didn’t know what I was feeling, how could he, I never told him. I didn’t want to either, he had too much stuff on his plate (one thing that I always struggled with was the idea of making someone else burden from my problems; another reason why I don’t talk to people).

I sat there in silence as kids ran around me. They were trying to get to their busses so they wouldn’t be left at the school. That is what I would normally do, but not today. I didn’t know if I liked it or not. It wasn’t what I was used too (which, I guess is what different means. If it was something I was used to then it wouldn’t be different). I was used to having a different guy in the house every night. I was used to being hit and yelled at if I did the smallest thing wrong. However, I was not used to (and never hoped to be) was the fact that my brother (my family) walked out on me, when I needed him most. I didn’t like change.

As I sat there for what seemed like a really long time, thoughts kept running through my head. “Why did he leave?”

“Was it because of me?”

“Why is he coming back now?”

“Why now?”

I felt like nothing was changing, that time was standing still, I finally looked at my watch. It was 5:30 p.m. when the tears started to fall, and my thought changed from questioning to angry.

“He calls, says he is going to pick me up. Then he forgets about me.”

“Some brother, forgetting about his sister he has not seen in other three years.”

I cried, not because I was sad or depressed, but because I was angry. I was angry that he left, I was angry that I thought he wanted me back in his life. I was angry that I thought it was my fault. I didn’t want to see him, he turned his back on my so why not turn my back on him. I was angry (I had every right to be, right?). 5:45 p.m. the moment in time when I saw my brothers beat up old car pull into the car parking lot. Seeing that car just made me angrier , I wanted to run. Run and not look back. Make him realize how much he had hurt me. To make him see the pain he put in my life.

He pulled up, and I froze where I stood. The breath caught in my throat and a shiver ran down my spine. He pulled up in front of me, and rolled down the window, “Well, Get in. Don’t just stand there and look at me”

That was the first thing that he said to me. He hasn’t seen me in three years and he can’t even say hi. I was angry that he would treat me like that. His only sister, and he acts like he doesn’t even want to see me. I roll my eyes, and slowly get into the car.

“What is all the stuff in the back?” I couldn’t look him in the eyes, so I just looked out the window. He pulled away from the curb before he answered.

“That is your stuff.”

“Why?” I could hear myself getting snippy.

“You are not going home, mom is in jail and you are coming with me.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing. I didn’t bother to acknowledge him. I just stared out of the window, and zoned out. Who does my brother think he is, coming into my life and just taking me away, I thought to myself. (At the time I thought he was only doing that to hurt me, now I think other wise.)

Time went by and I came to terms with the fact that I was not going home anytime soon. I also came to terms with the fact that my brother is my only family that I see now. I would go to my brothers work after school, and I couldn’t hang with my friends because I didn’t live in Oconomowoc anymore. That didn’t matter to me. I didn’t need friends when I had my brother. I was happy and I felt needed. Everything was doing good, until ginger came in and ruined things.

There are a large amount of times where someone that is in a bad home, that they don’t even realize it. Majority of kids when they are in a bad situation in home tend to have a lack of trust and relationship difficulties, core feelings of being “worthless”, and trouble regulating emotions.This can cause an issue when moving families.

I was sleeping on the couch at my brothers work. It was a night that he worked all night, so I had to stay there with him. I guess I was too young to stay home alone.

So there I was sleeping, along with all the other residents that lives there, (my brother worked at a home for the mentally handicapped). I woke up to the sound of hushed whispering in the corner; I couldn’t hear what they were saying but I knew it was Ginger and Chad.

Ginger was chads boss at the time. He had to listen to her, and he looked up to her for the person that she was. She was a christian and a good role model for me. She acted like a friend to me, and would help me with anything that I would need. Weather it was school, or I just had an issue with my brother. Anything, and I mean anything I could take to her.

The first thing I heard from their conversation was Ginger tell chad, “You are young, and so is she. Don’t you think it would be better if someone older could take care of her.”

“No I really don’t think so. There is no one else, I am really her only family” My brother didn’t understand what she was saying.


She took a breath, “Chad, you are not ready to take care of that child. You are only 20”

“There is no other family that can take her, I know I am not doing that good of a job but I am trying and that is what matters.”

“No chad, you are not good enough. I was trying to be nice but you are not understanding what I am saying. I am taking her away from you, you are not ready to take her.”

I sat there silently, just listening to what they were saying. She was going to take me away from my brother, my only family that is actually in my life. I thought it was a dream, closing my eyes shut tightly, I just wanted it to go away. I didn’t want to listen to this anymore.

I never would have thought that the person that I respected would try to take me away from my brother, my family that actually cares.

It is hard for a child to go from their family, though their family could be treating them wrong, to someone that you don’t know or barely know. Often kids become defiant, and impulsive. This can be an issue in school and at home. They could begin to get distant, feeling abandoned by their family. It is important to make the child feel that their are welcome, but that does not work all the time.

Ginger moved me to her house. I have been there for about two weeks. I was starting to think that my brother didn’t want me. I came to the conclusion in my own little mind that Chad gave me to Ginger because he didn’t want me. Even though I heard Ginger say that she was taking me. I was mad so I warped what I heard in my mind. The two weeks I have spent at her house. I could feel myself becoming more angry and withdrawn.

“Leah, can you go feed the horses” Ginger would ask every morning around 6am, “go feed the chickens and take eggs as well”

I roll my eyes, “Whatever.” I knew that saying whatever to someone “giving you so much” but I didn’t care. I didn’t want her to give me anything, I didn’t want her in my life. I just wanted my old life back.

I was in contact with none of my old friends, Ginger was making me not go to school. And for that reason I started missing school more and more. I was that one kid that would do anything to do to school, to be normal. However, I knew that I would never get what I wished.

They thought that if I went to school I would run away. When honestly I thought more about running when I was home. They took me in, and thought by making me feel welcome it would make me happy. I was not a normal kid, I wanted to feel like I was unwanted. I wanted to feel pain, so I could understand why my brother stopped talking to me.

I felt like I was nothing, and that is what I wanted to feel. Feeling stupid, and unwanted made it easy to understand why my brother wouldn’t talk to me. The reason that he didn’t want me, was the same that everyone didn’t want me. I made it easy for myself to shut out, easy for me to hate the people that hated me.

I just wanted people to push me away, I wanted people to hate me like I hated the world. When Ginger and her family took me in and tried to make me feel welcome, I hated it. I just pushed them away, and they didn’t understand why.

Going from your family into another family that you don’t know can really mess with a kid. Usually the state makes sure you are still in contact with someone from your family, whether it is your brother or your parents. Maybe you can’t see them, but they still make sure that you are talking to them on the phone. That is really important for kids that are growing up, to still be in contact with someone from their “old” Life.

Being in contact with family was something that I never had. Because of that, I have a really distant relationship with all my family. I guess that is what happens when you don’t talk to them in a year.

I sat on Gingers couch, I was actually happy for once. I was content with being there, with being at that house. With Ginger and her two kids that were way older than me. I didn’t really know that they were there until I accepted that I was there.

Living with them was now fine, I haven’t talk to my brother in over a month but it didn’t matter to me anymore. I had a new family, and I could not ask for a better one. They cared, and they loved me. I was happy.

Then my brother came, and had to ruin it. Looking back I would have never thought I would have said this sentence when answering the door. I blinked, “What are you doing here….Chad?”

He looked at me, and his smile fell off his face, “I am here to take you back.” He was quiet, actually the quietest I have ever seen him.

“Who do you think you are?” tears started down my face, and was not sad I was dead angry. “You think that you can just not talk to me for a month, let me finally get comfortable here then come and act like I actually want you here”

I was angry, so angry that I wanted to slam the door in his face. “No, Leah its not like that.” I didn’t want to hear it, he was just telling lies.

“Well then, what is it Chad? Tell me what is really going on.”

“I have been trying to talk to you, I have been trying. Ginger won’t let me talk to you” I could see the pain in his eyes. He was hurt, but I was angry. I could feel Ginger’s arm wrap around my shoulder.

“Chad, what are you going here?” Ginger tightened her grip around my shoulder.

“I am here to take back my sister. You have had her long enough” I could hear the venom dripping through his voice. It almost scared me, I have not seen him so mad. I didn’t understand why he was mad either.

“No, I am sorry but you can’t do that.” She sounded like she practiced what she was going to say, she was so precise with her words and actions.

“Yes you can”

“No, I really can’t. She is not ready to move, she needs to be in a stable home.” Ginger moved to shut the door but I stopped her.

“No, he said that he was trying to call and you wouldn’t let me talk to her” I finally spoke, getting irritating with them both.

“I would never do that,” Ginger got really defensive about everything that was going on.

Still in tears, I dropped my gaze to the ground, “just stop lying please, what really is going on?”

Chad was actually silent for once, it was worrying me. “Chad what is going on?”

Chad looked at me, “I tried to contact you and she wouldn’t let me talk to you. I really tried,” I could see the pain in his eyes.

“I thought that I could trust you. I thought that you actually wanted me here, but you didn’t even let me talk to my own brother.” I turned to Ginger, not even caring that my brother was still there.

“You can trust me, I was trying to protect you” She wanted to give me a hug, and just try and make everything better.

I didn’t want it, I didn’t want to be here anymore. I now had the feeling that I wanted for a really long time. I wanted to feel like I was unneeded, unwanted. That is what I thought right at that moment. Like I was not wanted, like I was something that could just be passed around. I didn’t want to be there, or anywhere.

Chad later that day took me out of that house and I moved back in with him. I would say that everything was fine, that everything went back to normal but that would be a lie. Everything was not fine, everything was not normal. It was hard to transition from Ginger’s house back to Chad’s house. It should have been easy because I was used to the way that Chad lived, and the way that his house worked. However, it wasn’t easy. I was too far on the path of defiances, the path of hatred.

Looking back on it now, I can honestly say that I am glad that it happened. Most people wouldn’t say that when it comes to my story, but I am. I am glad that I was adopted, and that the situations I was put in changed the way that I looked at things. It changed the way that I looked at life, and situations. So yes I am glad that the teacher asked, and I am glad that it happened. Life does get better and situations make you stronger.

“Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel.”

-Don Rickles