The sun was at its highest; the only relief from the unbearable heat was the cooling wind rushing towards me from the waves that crashed against the shore then retreating back. The smell of salt from the water was so great that if I licked my lips I could taste it. Savage, squeaking seagulls flew low as if scouting out their next meal with their beady little eyes. The voices of dozens of people on their towels and chairs littering the ground in front of me made my heart surge faster.

My nerves were coursing through me as if my fear was injected straight into me like a shot. I quickly jogged back into the public bathrooms to the mirrors and looked myself up and down. Usually not very confident in how I looked, I was somewhat impressed with what I saw staring back at me in the mirror.

This year would be the first time ever that I would be wearing a two piece bathing suit instead of my childish one piece. The previous week, I had spent hours at a bathing suit store with my friend trying to find a two piece that I would feel both comfortable and confident in. I chose one of the bathing suits my friend picked out for me: the top had dark navy blue and creamy white stripes, and the bottoms were plain navy blue. It was not a bikini; it had a wavy bathing suit fabric that hung from the top piece and covered my chubby tummy.

Yes, my little 10 year old self believed she was overweight, making fatness a big fear of hers, and yes she was also overly insecure with her stomach and legs, but mostly her face.

I had always thought my facial features resembled that of a young boys, but today was going to be the day I was going to push that aside and try and be more confident, especially for my mother’s sake.

As I was looking in the mirror, I saw my friend’s smiling face in the corner of my eye. She always believed I was beautiful even though I believed I looked horrific. On the other hand, I believed she had the most captivating face and the most beautiful and bright smile and could make anyone instantly love her. Her caramel creamy skin and dark wavy hair suited her perfectly; her eyes were a swirling mixture of bright green and brown that could make any boy’s knees go weak. She had came into the bathroom, encouraging me to face my fear head-on and just relax.

“Don’t worry, you look beautiful. Trust me, no one’s going to say anything, and if they do then I will stand up for you and show them what REAL beauty is.” Her confidence and soothing voice calmed my breathing and shaky hands enough that she was able to semi-drag me out of the bathroom.

It would just be me and her because my mother wanted to walk the boardwalk and collect seashells while we swam. We walked, hand-in-hand, toward towels that my mother had set up for us before she left, my friend smiling away with her hair flowing beautifully behind her. Compared to her, I believed I looked terrible with my oddly shaped nose and my tangled dirty blonde hair and my bathing suit, but I had promised not only my friend but also myself that I wouldn’t let my insecurities control me.

Eyes burned into my flesh as I followed my friend to the towels, making me squirm under the intense gazes, but I was determined that I wouldn’t let people’s hurtful words take me over.
In the distance, I heard laughter clearly coming from a group of 15 year old boys. I instantly felt the heat blossom to my cheeks when I realized they were laughing at me. I thought it would be because of the way I had to force my way through the resisting sand, but that thought quickly evaporated from my mind when I heard one of the boys say, “Who let the whale out of the zoo?!”
My heart completely dropped and I could barely breath. Everything around me, the sounds and the smells, seemed to slowly fade away and become surreal. I didn’t even realize I was crying until I felt my cheeks become wet and cold from the wind blowing toward me. My friend tried to tell them to shut up and leave me alone as we arrived to our towels, but all her attempts failed.
“Look! I found a beached whale!” They didn’t stop. “Lets put Shamu back into the ocean!” Nothing could make them stop; they just kept making crude remarks. “Cover that ugly thing up!” One after another, the remarks got worse and worse. “WHALE!”

With every word they said, I felt more and more horrible about myself to the point where I couldn’t feel anything. No pain or sadness, no happiness or embarrassment, as if my emotions shut off. Without saying a word to anyone, I got up, grabbed my bag of clothes, and numbly walked to the public bathroom sick of the attention the group of boys were giving me. I quietly changed out of my monstrosity of a bathing suit and changed back into my overly tight ‘My little pony’ t-shirt and my childish capris.

Once I walked out of the stall, I looked at my reflection and broke down crying. I felt ugly and utterly worthless, and I just couldn’t think of anything else to do but hide in a corner and cry, cry, and cry and think about what they boys said.

They are right. I’m just an ugly, fat, worthless whale. I can’t believe I even allowed myself to think I was anything other than that.

After about 3 minutes, my friend came in to try and comfort me like before, but everything she said just made me mad.

She’s lying. She just doesn’t want you to not be her friend. She’s a liar.

She was in the middle of saying that I was beautiful and that those boy’s just don’t know what beauty is, but I cut her off, “Just stop! You are just lying to me! I am not beautiful, so stop lying and leave alone! Liar!” Shock and bewilderment was etched onto her face, but that changed, quickly boiling into anger as she stormed out, leaving me a blubbering mess. I felt completely alone, though it was mostly my fault for yelling at her for no reason, but could she blame me really?

My biggest fear was, and still is, being overweight or gaining weight, so hearing those remarks from complete strangers made everything so much worse. Those boys had no reason to lie so it must be true. It’s true. It’s true… I eventually composed myself enough to leave the bathroom only to see one of the boys who harassed me, but he wasn’t facing me. I slowly waddled my way over to the wall that he was leaning on with a blank expression on my puffy, red face. I went up and tapped him lightly on the shoulder so that I wouldn’t startle him. He turned with a bewildered expression on his face, I guess not expecting to see the girl he taunted for the past hour.

I took a quick, deep breath and said, “Thank you for telling the truth when my family and friends couldn’t” and quickly walked off without letting him reply or anything. When I went back to where our towels were set up, I saw everything packed. I guess ‘fun beach day’ is over. I helped load up the car and then we just left, without another word to one another.
I never saw my old friend since that then. I miss her. I also miss the old happy me that wasn’t ashamed of her body and features, but that girl is gone...and she’s never coming back. I hope I will be able to become her again in the future, but I have many doubts. I won’t ever forget that day. The day I lost myself to a sea of insecurities.