All my life I’ve always been put down. I’ve always been walked over and shoved; I’ve always been in the corner of the room. All my life I’ve been told what I can and can’t do. I’ve lost the motivation for anything and everything, because I know I will never truly be good enough, and that all others will always surpass me.

In reality, I’ve only truly had one person ever there for me, because I’ve always been too afraid to open myself to anyone else. I’ve been too afraid to tell anyone my story, mainly because I’m too scared to tell anyone anything about who I am.

The past fifteen years of my life have been nothing but an ill-minded lie to myself and everyone around me, whether from my fake smile, to my sarcastic notions, it’s all been something I’d wish had never happened. I know most kids enjoy time with their friends and family, but my reality is sitting in a room all day, because I’m too scared to face the world.

See, this all began when I’d started sixth grade, because in all honesty, everything before then is nothing more than a blur. The start to my middle school career was nothing more than the downfall of a young boy’s self-conscious. I started to see the world for what it truly was, including me. I started realizing that the teasing that I so called “joking” was nothing more than sarcastic mockery. I’d been starting to be called “lard a**, gay boy, and pig” and many other names which I’d rather not mention. This started to eat away at me; this started to open my eyes for what was truly below my very face. All of this, this, hatred, began to build up inside, first at the bullies that I’d once called friends, but then at myself, for turning myself into the so called monster I’d become. See, during this time I was a wannabe skater who was 5’5” and 245 lbs., and now that I look back, I see that I was truly the one thing I’d never wanted to become.

In the wake of all of this, I began dieting, but my so called dieting was more or less set to no lunch or dinner, let alone I never eat breakfast anyways. Rarely during this time did I eat, I couldn’t, I had to change who I was. I had to become someone new, I needed to be healthy, fit, and energetic. I couldn’t stay this way.

I truly thought this all would work, I thought this would make me happier, but in hindsight, it didn’t. It did nothing for me, it made my days longer, and my self-esteem even lower. From all of this, I grew depressed, very, very depressed. Since then, not only have I contemplated to hurt myself, but also to end my life. I mean how does one cope with these feelings, how does one make this all away, all when you can’t think straight, when you don’t know what’s going on in your mind?

This year alone has dark, and it’s not getting any better. I do as I always have, I sit in my room and think, and I eat myself away at my thoughts, and never speak of them. This year alone I have faced yet my most notorious feat. This year, my parents divorced, leaving my brother and I to leave the only place that we’ve ever been able to call home. This has torn me apart, worse than anything ever before. My mother, god, I don’t even see her anymore, due to my father. And the constant questioning of “Have you talked to your mother?” or “What did she say?” I’m sick of it, I’m mentally exhausted from all of this stress, and I can’t take it anymore. I just want this all to go away.
The only places in which I have spoken these ill words are within this memoir, and within a Tumblr account which I try and cope with these emotions that I cannot explain. I mean, tell me, and tell me how to make this all fade, to make me happy once more. Not for a few moments, not for a few hours, forever, make me happy now, and for the rest of my days.

Let me ask you something, have you ever laid down in your bed at night for hours on end and just imagine what your life could be like if something hadn’t happened? Let me tell you, that is my night, every night, of every day, of every countless year, and I just can’t take it anymore. I just want to be happy once more, I want to be able to sleep at night without taking medicine, I want to be rid of these headaches, and suicidal thoughts. I’m tired of being lonely, yet I’m too afraid to reach out, to tell my story, and that is why I put it here, for all to know, for all to see, for when you read this, you know who I am. You know, that when you see the lonely boy in the corner of the room, you grab him by his hand you ask him how his day was, you tell him tomorrow is a new day, and that all days are there for a better tomorrow.

I call out to all my brothers and sisters, to all the people who have suffered with me, open up, feel free, don’t let this bottle up inside, it kills you from the inside in, it destroys you worse than anyone else ever could.
I’ve come to learn that you are the author to your life, and that you cannot let these bullies define the words in your book, you write this book, you revise your chapters, and choose the path that you wish to live. This is your life, and we only get one shot to make it count, so let’s do it right. I’m tired of sitting on the curb, being pushed down, being walked over. I’m here to leave my mark, to let you all know who I am, and I’m getting better, and so can’t you. I’m here to let you all know that life, life is a gift, and we all have to seek out our own prizes, because if we don’t then what is it we’re here for? We’re not here for nothing; we’re here to choose our own fate, our own destiny. I know I’m just rambling on now, but I just have a lot to say. I’ve been broken down, and a lot of you have too, so I tell you this, if I can rebuild myself from my lowest point, then so can’t you, because you’re strong, you’re beautiful, and I would be more than happy to call you my friend. Now, go out there and find your fate, because we will all make our own.