The Fear
Have you ever thought about you’re biggest fear? For most people they fear death. What makes me scared is somebody talking about taking their own life. Now you might ask the question, “Why does somebody want to die?” I respond with this memorable quote by Tiffanie DeBartolo in How to Kill a Rock Star:
“Did you really want to die?"
"No one commits suicide because they want to die."
"Then why do they do it?"
"Because they want to stop the pain.”
This has made many people understand a little more. The next question that comes up is, “Why would you be scared of that? They are helping themselves not be in pain.” The fear comes from past experiences that shape my life.
One bump in the road that has shaped my life is when I was approaching the age of one and a half. My little sister Jamey, who they thought was going to be a boy, was soon going to be born soon. My best friend was a step-grandfather, who I called “gampa”, because I spent so much time with him. It had started storming one night, the thunder roaring loud and rain sounding like rocks hitting the house. I tossed and turned all night and woke up crying a few times. The Next morning my mother woke up somewhat early. She got breakfast and was about to wake my father and I up when she decided she was going to read her emails. Mom noticed she had an email from my dad’s “father”. She opened it to read, “Tell my Sammy and baby boy I love them.” She got my father up and they were beyond confused. They called dad’s mother and were filled in on the news. “Gampa” had made the poor decision of taking his own life that night and my uncle, at the age of 12, found him that morning.  Everybody was so devastated and confused. Nobody had a clue as to why he made this decision. He had a daughter and step-sons who thought of him as their father. There were no signs of depression and is still a mystery. Soon after this happened Jamey was born; she was named after him. She was supposed to be a boy and named James Ramond, but instead she turned out to be a beautiful girl named Jamey Rae. Now this event was extremely hard for me to understand as an 18 month old but inside I was still upset. After this incident it would rain casually, like normal. As I would hear the thunder roar and rain start to pitter patter on the windows and roof top, I would go to my room and search for my pink plastic phone. After I would find it I’d take it to the window and just sit. As I’d stare out the window the plastic phone would “ring” and I answered. For months I would do this and just have conversations with “Gampa”. As I would look out the window, I would talk to “gampa” on my toy plastic phone and sometimes cry. All my grandmother and mom would hear is jumbled conversations. Though this eventually stopped as I got older, the event left an imprint on my life and to this day I am terrified of storms.
Though this is the first event, another tragedy happened around Thanksgiving of 2012. My grandmother just got a new house and my family and I were going to the new house to spend Thanksgiving. Us kids got out of school, for that miniature break we get, and went home to pack and grab Max, our dog. We ended up having to move the boat that we got from my dad’s friend Chris and get tools ready for Chris to take for a job. After we got these few things done we piled in the van and headed for my grandma’s. Finally, after have a three hour drive with a dog, who jumps around the van the entire time, and screaming children, we got to Tripoli, Iowa. Now, as soon as we arrived at our destination my dad got out of the vehicle and put his hunting clothes on. Thanksgiving time means bow season which means my dad is in the woods. As dad was walking out to his tree stand he got a phone call that stunned all. His phone was on silent because he was walking out and didn’t want to spook the wildlife. He barely saw the phone light up in his pocket, but did and decided to answer. He picked up the phone to Chris’s mother breaking the news that Chris had taken his life. They found him in the woods where he hunts. My dad’s heart dropped and he headed home. We were confused as to why he was home before dark, but when we went to ask he started crying. Nobody to this day knows why he took his own life. To people in our family and friend group suicide is the most selfish action you could do. It doesn’t only hurt the person, but it hurts everybody around them. Chris left behind several children, friends, and family members who to this day blame themselves.
These are two of the experiences I’ve gone through that has shaped me to have the fear of others thinking about suicide. This is also why when somebody decides to blame themselves or ask, “Why does somebody want to die?” I respond with the quote by Tiffanie DeBartolo:
“Did you really want to die?"
"No one commits suicide because they want to die."
"Then why do they do it?"
"Because they want to stop the pain.”
In all, this quote has helped me get through these events and want to help others with the same situations. Now think about it, what's your biggest fear? Could it now be suicide?