Why do people fear death? People say that death is a bad thing and something to avoid, sure some types of death are bad; like murder or mercilessly slaughtering innocent people. But not all is bad. In fact death is a good thing, it is a release from a world of pain, sorrow,anger,hurt,and depression. Some people, who truly know me, would find it very odd that I am saying this since i’m afraid of dying. It is a completely irrational fear i know,but it is a fear i have.

Some nights I sit and stare up at the sky and when the emotions hit i wonder what it would feel like to feel nothing at all. To let the cool sharpness of a blade slide over my wrist or the sharp tug of rope snap my neck. No I’m not suicidal, but i wonder if this is what it is like to be suicidal.Somedays the only reason i feel i have to live is that somewhere,someone is counting on me seeing me smile or laugh and i would hate to ruin their day.

Most people will will look at a guy like me and say that guy wouldn’t consider suicide or anything like that. They look at guys and women who are physically attractive and popular and seem happy and it would never cross their minds that the person on the outside is fighting full battles with their inner demons on the inside.when in reality it is most often the people who can make friends easily and fit in easily or are very attractive that battle depression and inner demons a lot.

Take me for instance, sure i’m not “popular” as in everyone wants to be my friend just to say they know me but in truth i have lots of friends. Being a band nerd, athlete and smart has lots of perks. I have friends in pretty much every “social status” in the school. Most of them would look at me and all they would see is a happy 17 year old guy surrounded by friends and love. very few, in fact probably ten or fewer would be able look at me and see through the fake smile, fake laughs, and see that on the inside i am locked in a struggle that somedays is so bad that i don't want to live let alone even get out of bed. Again i reiterate the fact that i am not suicidal, but i know how they feel. when you get tired of people pushing you around or pointing out your flaws to your disadvantage and the only escape you can see is to get out, permanently.

You would think that because the school is full of people, no one can really be alone. You're wrong , very very wrong. More people feel utterly alone in crowds, especially school crowds, then when nobody is around. I am one of those people most days. I can be surrounded on all sides by my peers and the one thing that keeps me separate is the one thing i can’t win over somedays, my depression. people have been suffering from depression for ages.  it should be easy to over come with all the antidepressants you can take and other medicines, right? Wrong! many days i feel that no matter what i try some days it feels like all i do is go backwards and i feel like nothing can go right when everything is going wrong.

Some nights i sit and stare up at the night sky and as the emotions hit me i let them flow, i let my barriers fall and i allow myself a moment of weakness. I  allow myself to break down and release all the pent up anger, pain , and depression so that i can restart the battle refreshed the next day. Some nights as i look up at the sky  i release everything, i let go of the knife handle, or climb down and remove the rope. Because no matter how bad i want to let go and just end my pain, i know deep down that i must fight, because if i give up it is another win for depression, and the pain just gets passed on.

No matter how bad it gets, no matter how many demons i'm battling, i try to fight as hard as possible. Even on the days when i don’t want to get up because i know that the day is just going to be like the rest. It is  the days where the minute i walk into school i am being judged or getting negative comments thrown at me.it is the days were my hardest on the feild isn’t hard enough for the people who do nothing at all yet still get all the praise.it is the days when people make fun of how big i am, or when a friend turns against me just to impress someone else. it is the days when i am told multiple times that no one cares about me and that it would be better  for me to just crawl in a hole and die because no one would care if i did.It is the days when i'm called fat or told i smell or get shoved just because someone was in a bad mood. it is these days that i have to fight my hardest because on those days if i come out victorious, i am one step closer to beating my depression. If there is one thing i have learned in the years i’ve had depression it is that if you can fight and look for the silver lining then you can survive another day. No matter how hard it gets, no matter what people say or do, if you can learn  how to get through all the shadow and find the light then you're already winning the fight. to have depression and just going through the motions of life doesnt help. but if you can go through life carrying the burden that is depression,and still be able to find your silver lining or one thing that can cut through the darkness, then you are on the road to recovery.