On October, 12, 2012 5:30 am.
The shrill scream of the phone rang out in our silent house. I stumbled down the stairs in the darkness.
“Mom?” I whispered, “what’s going on”? She stood listening intently to the person on the other end of the line.
“Mom?” I whispered again.
“We need to go now,” she said breathlessly as if she had taken a punch to the stomach. She began rushing to turn on the front room light. She was throwing on a coat by the time I realized something bad was happening.
At 5:40 am we were leaving the house. My mom was speeding down Mackinaw Trail when I finally gathered enough courage to ask what was going on.
“Mom-” she cut me off.
“Your Great Grandma Shepler is dying” she said her voice cracking slightly. I sat there in shocked silence for the rest of the car ride. Thoughts were zooming through my head.
My best friend, the only person I felt understood me, was slipping out of my reach.
At 6:20 am we arrived. All of my family was gathered inside my great grandma’s tiny house. A somber mood hung over the house like a dark gray cloud. I had chosen to sit next to my Aunt Megan, she took to rubbing my back gently. I sought comfort in her touch, and leaned against her for support. I wanted to go see my great grandma to tell her I loved her one last time. Just as I stood, my mom rounded the corner of the hall that leads into the living room. She shook her head silently telling me not to go see her.   We silently waited for a miracle. None came that morning.
October 12, 2012.
My great grandma passed away at 6:30 am. My Aunt Theresa came into the living room, her eyes were glistening with unshed tears.
“She’s gone.” My Aunt said her chin wobbling as the first tear rolled down her face. I sat in silence.
Gone, gone, gone, gone. The word repeated inside my head and I felt nothing.
I wanted to cry to feel something; nothing came to me. I suddenly felt claustrophobic and I needed to get out of the house. I quickly got off the couch and stumbled through the living room and out onto the porch.
Nothing.
The cold air bit into my skin into my skin and made my eyes water, but I knew it wasn’t for her.
Nothing.
The first rays of sunlight were breaking the horizon as I walked out into the field.
Nothing.
I sat on the cold hard ground and felt like the worst person in the world for not being able to mourn my best friend’s amazing life.
My great grandma, my best friend, who has done nothing but listen and be there for me whenever I needed her the most. She got me through the hardest times; gave me hope when I thought all was lost. My best friend was taken from me in the blink of an eye and there was nothing I could do. Gone, gone, gone forever.
October 12, 2012 7:00 pm.
I rode home in silence with my mom, we were just heading home from her house. I looked out into the cold dark sky and stared at the moon.
Cold.
Lifeless.
Dead.
That’s when it finally clicked, emotions crashed over me like a tidal wave. Tears were streaming down my face as sobs wracked my body. I couldn’t stop them they flowed like a waterfall soaking my shirt. my heart felt like it was turning inside out as the pain of realization kept hitting me. My mom stayed quiet beside me until we got home.
“Go eat and take a shower” she said, kissing my forehead. I got out of the car and staggered up the stairs into my house. I barely registered what was going on as I walked to the bathroom and went to take a shower.
I sat under the pounding water and closed my eyes, memories danced behind my eyelids. Gone, gone, gone. My tears got lost in the water of the shower as painful memories kept coming back. I felt a crushing weight on my shoulders as I continued to think of all the times she had dried my tears and comforted me with hugs. I looked up at the ceiling.
“I love you,” I whispered,  my soft words getting drowned out by the noise of the water. “I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner”. 
October 18th 2012.
The day of the funeral had arrived, the day I had been dreading. I was an unstable bomb that could go off any second. Both of my parents were with me as we walked into the building where the funeral was being held. I took my moms hand in my own and started towards my great grandmas open casket. Her skin was a deathly white a permanent frown had been set into her skin. My eyes watered and my chin started to wobble as the first tear rolled down my face.
The day passed in a  blur. You know how in all the movies it always rains at a funeral to portray the sadness of a funeral, it happened to me. As my great grandmas casket was being lowered it started to rain my tears were replaced by rain as I ran out of tears to cry.
The month of October.
Days passed slowly and I fell deeper into the dark hole of depression. I lost the will to live. Scars started forming on my body as I intentionally began to harm myself to relieve one pain with another. My life was beginning to fall apart piece by crumbling piece. My once strong walls were now defenseless.
Useless.
Just like me.
As the Months passed I gradually got worse, I let my grades drop I let the smallest things bring me down.
The month of January.
It was just after snowfest two years after she died when my mom found out what I was doing. She was enraged that I let what happened affect me in such a way.
“You don’t understand what I go through!” I yelled at her.
“I understand more than you think,” she said it with a deadly calm voice, “I understand the pain to don’t pretend it’s you against the world".  That was a real slap in the face and I realized I was letting my pain control me too much.