From preschool to the fifth grade, I was always being told what to do, by my mom, my teachers, and just my elders in general. “I couldn't wait to grow up.” I thought. “I’ll finally be free to do what I want, when I want, and I don’t have to listen to anybody, because, I would be an adult.” I remember thinking, “being an adult is cool, its the best thing ever, I could finally do things I couldn’t do as a kid, like stay up late, drive a car, have a job to buy games, and have my own place to call home with nobody in it but myself.” My mom would always tell me. “you know being an adult isn’t all fun and games, you have responsibilities.” Being the young and stubborn child that I was, I never took her words into consideration. but now that i’m sixteen years old, nearing the end of my childhood into adulthood, I simply just don’t want to grow up. Growing up is fearful, it’s terrifying, frightening, i’m hysteric over growing up. Many others have the same problem as I, But some are just more brave than others.
From the sixth grade, to now, at sixteen years old, i’d wonder and ask myself. “how will my future turn out?” “what will I do?” “am I ready to move on?” growing up I learned the world isn’t what I thought it was, the world is cold and mean, and I know the world isn’t going to just wait on me, until i’m ready to move on. When I was fourteen, my oldest brother Sidney, who was twenty-four at this time, sometime during my sophomore year of high school, came over for the weekend, we sat on the blue couch in the corner of my room, with the center of the couch folded over to reveal the integrated wooden table and cup holders. We pulled the table in front of my couch, in which my hd television stood upon, as close as we could and switched on my playstation three.
We played Call of Duty: Black Ops two.Twenty minutes after we were playing, Sidney asked me probably one of the most frequently asked questions for young adults. “what do you want to do for the rest of your life?” I was hesitant. All I could answer with was “umm…?” he forced his entire body forward, turned off my television, stood up and said. “dude, you need to take some time to think about this, I used to be just like you. you sit here not worrying about your future, telling yourself, everything is going to work out, but it’s not. you need to crack down and start learning early, because not everything is going to just be handed to you.”
“I could teach you how to program, not everybody is lucky enough to have an older brother willing to teach you how to program.” I then said. “but  I don’t know if programming is what I want to do for the rest of my life.” “but why not? you can do so much with programming. you always wanted to make your own game right? well, programming is how you get there.” Later on, sometime when I was fifteen, I decided. “you know what, I am going to program. I could program with my brother, we could build games together, and have fun doing it. We could make games good enough to play, games without the whole “go here and then do this” thing, that same linear track that most games have today.” “I have a strong passion for games, so why not build them the way I want them?”
I now have a good grasp on what I want to do with my future, so I thought I could put my fears on a raft and watch it drift away, no nice goodbyes, just a good riddance. I was wrong. whenever the thought of, “growing up” popped into my head, That same fear would come back to me as if it never left on that raft at all. Which is why I think,“I’d rather stay a kid, because the future scares me”.
I used to think the future is an awesome thing to look forward to, as if it was a reward for having to be put through school, and being bossed around by your parents or people you just don’t like. But now, the future to me is like this. the future is like one huge leap over a bottomless pit in which, even though you were given all the essentials, you still just don’t feel prepared to take that leap, but the way I feel for the fact that I made it this far in my quest to adulthood is good, as a matter of fact it’s outstanding, at least it’s better than a lot of others can say. When I reach that point in my life, at eighteen, i’m left with two choices.
One, jump into the bottomless pit and watch my entire life's work and education, which my parents so kindly paid for, go straight down the drain. Which includes, dropping out of high school, becoming homeless to live the “simple life,” which by the way isn’t so simple. Then there’s drinking, smoking, and doing drugs to cope with the depression of the state I put myself in. Now option two, I can take my education, that my parents so kindly paid for, and use it to take a few steps back, get a running jump and just take the leap. This option includes going to college, get my dream job, being successful, and after I take that leap, i’m set. I mean it’s better than just throwing yourself down a bottomless pit. Besides, on the other side of that bottomless pit is a treasure chest, just waiting to be opened, a treasure chest full of success, and praise. I’m sure i’ll make the jump. I just have to give it my best effort.