Divorce                                      
                                                               

I believe in God.
I believe that He leads certain people in and out of our lives to help teach us life lessons or to help us learn things about ourselves. Some people will stay, some will go. Some things are meant to fall apart. Like a marriage. A marriage ends in a divorce.

Divorce is just this huge, dramatic, and overwhelming break up between two people that love each other, or in some cases they at least used to love eachother. It takes up so much time, money, and energy. It’s filled with tears, hurtful words, long arguments, and sad faces. Divorce can change you as a person, it can make you, but it can also break you. It will tear you apart and your emotions will change. Well guess who got to experience this? This girl. Now I can’t say it was bad that I had to experience this because honestly it was the best solution to all the problems, but it wasn’t good to go through either. I mean watching something like that unfold before your innocent eyes isn’t fun or full of happiness. It’s just a big mess.

In this specific time period I was 13. It went pretty fast, for me at least. I found out late November or early December of 2011 and my Mom and I moved out to Clarkston on February 18th, 2012. It was so much change I had to process. It all took such a toll on me.

It all started when I was 5. I met this man named Jeff that I didn’t like because he was taking my Mom away from me. I wanted my Mom to myself, I wanted all of her attention on me. You should expect this from a 5 year old. He got all of her attention. I felt so small, and as I got to know him more and more I began developing this deep feeling of anger. I didn’t like Jeff. My instinct feeling knew he was a lot of trouble, but do you think people listened to me? Of course not I was only 5. Would you believe a 5 year old telling you not to be with someone because they’re mean? No, you’d like to believe yourself. You’d base your thoughts and feelings on someone off of what you know. Not what a 5 year old knows. It’s just too bad nobody believed me or listened to me.

When I was 7 I moved into an apartment with my Mom and Jeff. Oh boy was that a trip. I was not happy one bit. I was furious about not sharing a room with my Mom anymore and now Jeff got too. Like I said he was taking her from me. The only positive thing about moving was it was a bigger place, we had more space. My Mom and I came from a crowded trailer that we lived in with my Grandma. Jeff, well he came from his parents basement.  It was a big transition for everyone. I think I was just the only one unhappy about it.

As time went on I got to know Jeff. He proved me right. My instinct feelings were correct. Why do you think they tell you to follow your instinct feelings? They’re always right. He would always talk down to me and make me feel so low. He would say really mean things to me when my mom wasn’t around, then when my mom got home he would just tell her all the things I said to him, but not why I said those things. There were times when he said, “I willing f-ing divorce your mom just to get away from you.” or, “I don’t love you.” he said a lot of nasty things to me. It was a very bad time for me. I became so angry because of one particular thing that was going on in my life at the same time but one thing that made me angry was my Mom never believed me. That caused so many fights between us, we got very distant. As time went on my depression got worse. My relationship with my mom was crumbling, and I was just so tired. I never thought such a young kid could get depression until I got it when I was 10.

Skip a few years forward and there I was, 13, surrounded by so many arguments. Jeff started leaving more and staying out late. I thought maybe they’re getting a divorce, but I didn’t think it was possible. Until one night Jeff came home, I was sitting on the couch watching tv with my Mom under this cat blanket we have when he said, “When are we splitting the phone bills?” I looked at him mortified. I started crying and my mom just lost it. She started screaming at him as I sat there under my blanket crying. “I told you I wasn’t going to tell her until after Christmas so she could have a good Christmas.” She was right. It ruined my Christmas. I wanted this for so long and when it happened it still destroyed my world and I still would miss him a lot even though he treated me horribly, he was in my life for so long. Everything just crumbled right then and there.

The sad part is I had to figure everything out for myself. Shortly after I found out he started leaving more and more and stayed out till early morning. I assumed he was cheating. One night he asked me how to put a passcode on our new phones. I lied. I said I had no idea, I had forgotten how to. That night I took his phone and went through his texts. I was in shock. I was right. He sure was cheating. So I took this girl’s number.  I knew I had to tell my mom about Jeff and this, this mistress. She said she already knew because she saw too. Later I texted this mistress and just yelled at her. “How could you do this?” “He’s married, he has a family?”. She got an ear full from a 13 year old.

Days later we had a talk and I asked, “ Are you seeing another woman?”
He said he was. I remember just turning away and crying. “How could you do that to Mom and I?” This was really it. The marriage was gone. He didn’t want to fix things.

January came around and he moved out one weekend while I was on a church retreat without telling me he was leaving or saying goodbye. Why would someone do that? I still have no idea how he could even do that. Maybe so it would be easier on me? I don’t know I guess it kind of was. Eventually we had to move. I hated it but we had to move so my Mom could be close to her job. So we moved to Clarkston. I had to leave my whole life behind, all my friends, school, favorite teachers, my home town. It was horrible. I hated moving. It was all so fast. No matter what it’ll always hurt me.

This divorce was short but hard. It emotionally and mentally drained me. I became much more depressed. I cried, a lot. My heart was heavy and pain took over. There was so much screaming and yelling, fits, tears, anger. I hated going home. I tried to stay out for as many days as I could. Life was hard, but it was the best solution to all the problems. This divorce showed me that I’m strong. I’ve always known that I’m strong from all the other sad life events I’ve been through, but this seemed to help convince me more. Sadness kills me, but it’s okay to break sometimes, but if you stick through it, chances are everything will get better. It’s also okay to be alone at times, it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad, or mad. I let my thick walls down for a bit. I let myself breakdown behind closed locked doors and show my bare self. Just because people break down sometimes doesn’t mean they aren’t strong. Like I said I know I’m strong but every life event I’ve gone through I’ve only come out stronger. And this divorce helped me proof that. I used to think that if they got divorced I would be the happiest kid alive. Now I know divorce sucks no matter what the circumstances. No matter who it is between if you don’t like the person it still stings and affects you a lot and changes you as a person. I hated it but as I stated before I believe in God and I believe that he let it happen for a reason. That reason is that my mom and I could move on and do something better with our lives and that’s exactly what we were able to do once the divorce was complete.