Immense terror, lightheadedness, with a touch of the best feeling you could feel all at once. All of this, three very different emotions, all wrapped up into one short night. All jumbled together because of one. His name is Charles.

Charles Edward Billenger. 19. November 8, 1994. He swept me off my feet, and took away any breath that I could muster after laughing because of him. He made me fall in love like you fall asleep, very slowly, and then all at once. Thanks Hazel Grace.
“Text me when you get home”, I said through a cheesy grin that was smeared on my face from some corny joke he had told me about who knows what. I’ve come to see that this exit statement if you will, is the same choice of words that I have come to use for the passed 354 days.
As he pulled away from the house, and I carefully acted as though I wasn’t actually watching him leave, I could already see this boy would be someone special. I could tell by my heart beating in my head and butterflies in my stomach that he would come into my life like a 100lbs weight and stay for a very long time. That wouldn’t bother me at all.
Around 5pm we had been texting for a good 2 hours. Reply and reply over and over, of people, animals, and favorite teachers. All the way back around to the kids who were less than important to our hopes and dreams. You’d think in that one night of conversations, we would have been talking for years.
Then there came the immense terror. The  feeling that you’re letting someone in. The moment you see that you walls are coming down, and there is someone on the other side just waiting for enough of that wall to come on crumbling down, just so they can step right on over into your heart. That panic of what might be and what might happen. The realization that someone could mean something to you again.
The lightheadedness that comes with the idea that someone could actually care for you. That the person on the other end of the string thats tugging at your heart, they could want to stay longer than to just lay with you and take parts of that broken down wall. Taking chunks, bricks and bowlders just so that days later they can once again build it right back up. Thicker and heavier now. With every whisper behind your back, and unanswered text.
“we should just be friends” I typed. Staring at the pretty white iphone screen, I hit send. with a sigh of regret and relief all in the same moment. This is the only way to control my heart and to board up the weak spots in my layers of walls. Push away and leave before you’re left. That’s the only way to deal. I constantly tried to convince myself that I don’t want a relationship, not with him, no one. I’m not ready. That waiting for someone that i’d been feeling that for a while, I had just been his way to not feel so alone while deployed, would happen and i’d really be happy. When I knew it wouldn't happen and that I was being used.
“Okay” was the answer I received minuets later. So many feelings and emphasis into one four letter word. Still, I sat calmly breathing and reassuring myself that this was for the better. He will be happier without all of this mess to deal with. Who would want such a train wreck in their life, who would choose that for the long term?
8:30pm and it was time for the neighbor to head off to work as she did every night. The car engine revved as she prepared to leave. A loud and rumbling sound came blasting into my bedroom like a siren coming to warn you of a disaster ahead. Just like that disaster, my tears and regret took over. Breathing control soon was a thing of the past. I clenched my pillow as i realized the terrible mistake I had just made.
It’s now or never da*nit. “I am so sorry, I thought that I wanted to just stay friends, but even the sound of someones car starting forced you into my head. I know i have hurt you, and i will never stop showing you how sorry i am, but i want nothing more than to be with you. Charles will you please be mine?”  I had pleaded for him all in a single text to be with me, I knew I wanted him forever. I’m ready to be happy.. My tears still escaped as I waited for his reply. 8:40pm, 8:50pm, 9:00pm.
“Duh, of course i’ll be yours silly”
That was the best feeling you could feel at once. I have never looked back and I will never do so. I will never second guess the feelings that I discovered were possible to feel for someone like the ones I have developed for Charles Edward Billenger. He is and will forever be, the love of my life. That’s perfect for me.