I was left numb and speechless as my heart sank in my chest. My life just crashed before my eyes and the only thing I could think to do was cry. That day, my life changed forever.

     “Your right shoulder socket is torn in half and you only have 20% of your whole shoulder. I’m sorry you're going to need shoulder surgery and you will never be able to swim again.” 14 years old and having the one thing I look forward to everyday, the place where I could see all my best friends, the one place I felt like all my problems were gone was taken from me in just two sentences, in one moment.
      The hardest part was having to tell all my friends. I didn't want to be treated differently just because I had a birth defect. I thought they wouldn’t want to be my friends anymore because I couldn’t swim. Anytime someone asked me about having to get surgery I felt numb and tried my hardest not to cry but most of the time I failed. I felt defeated, scared, and weak. I was embarrassed that something had the power to crush me and keep me from swimming. I lost a lot of respect for myself and I felt like everyone around me lost some as well. The three weeks before the surgery I couldn’t bare to even look at myself in the mirror. I felt like I disgraced everyone. I felt as if I had embarrassed myself.
      October 30, 2013 was the day I walked into Devon hospital. As I made my way through the entrance all I wanted to do was run. Run away from everyone, from everything, from the surgery. All I wanted was to keep my normal life. I looked around and saw all the parents waiting for their children to come out of surgery. My perspective on the world changed, the world was a sad and miserable place. In the midst of all my thoughts a nurse called, “Sarah we’re ready for you”. My heart sank. I wanted to scream. I wasn’t ready to give up my life, to lose all my friends, and to have these scars. I walked back with the nurse and she gave me a gown. Then my sugerent came in and drew “X”s on my right shoulder.
     Laying in the hospital bed my doctor asked me, “Are you ready for this?” All I could think was, “No, why are you doing this to me. All I want is a normal life. All I want is to be able to swim. Why me? Why can't I just wake up from this nightmare?” The rest was a blur.
     I woke up to see my doctor in the room. “You're all fixed up,” he told me. I wanted to scream at him but kept it together and thought, “How could you think I'm all fixed up? I’m never going to have a normal life again, never going to be able to swim again.”
     I thought the fight was over. I had had the surgery and thought everything was going to be okay. I assumed it was going to be easier than it was. But for the next four months I had to sleep in a chair, I couldn't take my sling off without unbearable pain, couldn't take a shower without help, brush my teeth, or even cut my own food. Being completely dependent on other people made the whole experience that much harder. I dug myself into a hole. I looked at the world as an evil place. I couldn't do half the things my friends could and I was sad all the time.
     The surgery destroyed me. It didn't make me stronger, it just made me a million times weaker. Now, almost one year later, I still can't lift my arm above my head, I still can't swim, and am still trying to dig myself out of the hole. Right now all I can rely on is hope that things will get better one day.I hope one day I’ll be able to make everyone proud of me again. I hope that day comes really soon.