The month of August was coming to an end, a cool breeze ran through the hot air, almost frantically telling us that fall was on its way. I was in a time crunch, as I told my mom I was going to grab a backpack I forgot at a friend’s house. I waited at a coffee shop; he was late, he was thirty minutes late, but I didn’t care, I couldn’t care at all. I sat there anxiously, happily, nervously, more or less completely overwhelmed waiting for him to get there. I ordered a water, coffee at a time like that would have turned me into a babbling wreck. I spotted him on the other side of the outside patio. I started to walk towards him, I stumbled on a chair directly in front of me which I was too blinded to see. Thankful he didn’t see that. We stood awkwardly in-front of each other for maybe a minute before we went to the table. We tried to talk, I tried to filter my thoughts. I had no control, I was mesmerized. I was so captivated by him that the most ridiculous nonsense was falling out of my mouth and I was not even conscious of what I was saying. He ordered me a coffee, I didn't say no, I didn’t want a coffee, but I was unable to say no. I sat there, I drank it, I drank the whole large coffee. My internal nervousness had turned into an external shakiness.

He payed for our coffee, we left, we got in my car. We were talking, there was one of my Wavves CDs playing. I made an illegal left turn. I had played it off like I did it on purpose. My mind was so flustered, so caught up in that moment, so caught up in him. We arrived, I parked crookedly. I never park crooked. We climbed up to the top of the mountain. A mountain created from the wrecks of an abandoned, torn down condo, covered colorfully by the city's’ graffiti artists. We could see all of downtown from up here. We sat down on a large patch of cement, our feet were hanging down off the edge. We were so far apart. We awkwardly scooted closer and closer. My heart was racing. I didn’t understand what was going on. That wasn’t our first kiss, but in that moment it seems like we had forgotten all other experiences. His eyes, his hair, the shape of his face, everything about him was so perfect that my face turned red. I wanted to cry, laugh, and scream all at the same time. He went in to kiss me and I could barely control my emotions. Was I in love? Was infatuated with him? I don’t know but I felt like I was going to explode inside. We kissed, it was perfect.

The warm summer came to an end. Autumn came and went, and left us with the harshest winter I have ever experienced. January was filled with blistering winds and icy day. The sky was always dark and the days were short.

I began to notice certain things about him, but I didn’t realize them till months later. Sometimes he was distant, sometimes he was completely open. He was struggling with something but I was so masked, so blinded by this perfect idea of him, that I was never able to help. I never even thought it was possible for him to be struggling with this, until I had found myself struggling with it too. We had found ourselves months later, after being apart for sometime, struggling with it, in the same places, but not together. It was the middle of winter, and even in the warmest room you could feel the coldness between us. My uncontrollable franticness around him, my love for him, was hushed by this hurting I felt whenever I was around him. I still don’t know what was happening inside his head, and I’m afraid I will never know. Was he disappointed in me for being in the same situation as him, for making the same horrible decisions? Did he hate me for being there? Something happened when winter came, a cold harsh truth blistered my face, just like the wind that month.