My greatest fear is the unknown. Whether it is death, the dark, or just simply not knowing a grade on a test I took, I have some level of fear for it. Some unknowns I fear less than others, I fear death more than the dark, but I still fear them all because at the core they’re the same thing.

I like being in control. I like planning and knowing and finding out everything I can. As a child, I would not be able to go to bed or fall asleep without a nightlight on (or sometimes I had to have all the lights in my room on.) I needed to be able to see everything in my room and to know what was going on, at least until I fell asleep. My door was also always open because I couldn’t not know what was happening in the halls of my house. On the surface it seemed like it was the dark itself that scared me, but it really was what it could hide. Murderers, ghosts, monsters, or even just my dog. It was that I didn’t know what was going on if I couldn’t see, and I couldn’t handle that, even at a young age. It freaked me out, not being able to know. The lights gave me a sense of control and made me feel like I could see everything that was going on or anyone who was in my home, when in reality they did nothing.

Even now I try to comfort myself and tell myself I know what is going on and what will happen, but obviously I don’t. It’s really hard fearing the unknown because our lives consist mostly of uncertainty and not knowing things. All the nightlights in the world can’t change that.

Sometimes I try to figure out big, unknown life questions, and it makes my head spin. I think some things are meant to be unknown. I’ll never know exactly what’s around the corner or hiding in the shadows. If you accept that and just deal with it when it comes, life is a lot easier. I don’t enjoy having my head spin and having to guess about what is going to happen just to feel better. I don’t need to know every single thing. Even though I crave control, maybe I need to try and let go and let things run their own course.

I fear the unknown.

Recently I tried bubble tea, and even though it took me a few minutes to build up the courage to take a sip of it, I eventually did. It has a weird looking texture and it was nothing like I had ever had before. I ended up liking it. It wasn’t a huge life changing experience, but sometimes baby steps are better. Embracing the unknown is hard, yes, but what else can you do? Who knows, maybe one day I’ll even find comfort in it.