Dads. The first men we open our eyes too. The ones holding us so gently as if we could break at any moment. Our first boyfriends and last loves. The relationship between a father and daughter is like a fairy tale; the big ogre and the princess, but in this story the ogre watches over the princess like a his little girl. That's what a dad wants, he wants his little girl to stay little even if she isn't. Fathers are suppose to be the loudest at graduation, try not to cry as you leave for college and be the first to greet you as you come back home. At least that's what I thought. Actually, I wasn't thinking much of anything until I got in the bath tub and Auntie sat beside me.

"Did you think it was gonna be like last time and you would come back to us?"
I nodded. I LIED...
I knew I wouldn't be back in my cozy bed on coffee street. I knew exactly where I was going. I knew as we drove away from the police car where I was going. I was a smart kid. I replayed the day in my head...

It was a regular Saturday, Daddy had borrowed Uncle's car promising to pick him up later that night from work. Daddy and Kia had to run errands. I was so young and didn't have a babysitter so I had to ride with them. Kerry and Junior had left before the sun even rose as usual. We drove around for what felt like hours in the Cutlass, until I fell asleep in the backseat. I woke up just as we were pulling up to Jack's, but still acted like I was asleep as they drove up to the window to pick up the food. Dad didn't order me my kids meal. Why? He never forgets me. Kia
had her food, she had her fries and her drink I heard her eat and I heard her feed him. Taunting me. Listening to them giggle. Fire brewed inside of me but I kept my eyes close. We drove off in the direction of the house but made one more stop at the store, only daddy got out.

"I know you aren't sleep, little girl."
I opened my eyes quickly and stared at her through the mirror. We held our stare until my father came back to the car. Seeing that I was awake he smiled.
"Hey Buukie! You get a good nap?"
"Yes, Daddy." He hopped in the car and I looked back at Kia one more time. It was over.

Driving back home they were talking. Dad told me to cover my ears because it was adult business. I covered my ears to where I couldn't hear a thing. I could only see their mouths moving slowly, but their mouths weren't moving so slowly anymore. They were yelling. I knew it because dad was hitting the steering wheel. They were arguing again. They argued all the way until we pulled up to the house. I uncovered my ears to hear.
"Well go get him then!"
"He's my brother and he was nice enough to let us use the car on his work day!"
"He didn't need you to pick him up this early, D!"
'D' that was Daddy's name to everyone, but she used in such a vile way it left a bad taste.
"I'm going to see my Aunt Brenda. Calm down. Buuk wanted to see her today and I told her I would bring her."
Buuk... that was me. Was it my fault they were fighting?
"Well go see her then! Stay there! Get out!" Kia threw her large sprite at Uncle's car hitting the window. I gasped, ducking as if the cup could reach me. Dad got out the car and ran...I covered my eyes. I didn't see what came next but I heard Kerry and Junior's muffled yell and felt the car start to drive away. I uncovered my eyes and saw dad looking mad.
"What's wrong daddy?"
Nothing Buukie. Let's go get uncle."
"Ok."
I knew what was wrong. He knew I knew, but the fact that we played like we didn't almost made everything feel normal. Almost. We pulled up to Uncles job thirty minutes later.
"I'm so stupid!" Dad yelled.
I stayed silent in the back seat and we sat. I listened to him mumbled to himself , replaying the day in his head and calling himself stupid until the sun went down and uncle got in the car.
"Whaddup D!"
"Whaddup Buuk"
I waved to uncle as he got in the car. I loved my uncle, he was just like Daddy only shorter or more adorable to me. Uncle looked over at Dad and immediately knew something was wrong. They were brothers it was like a sixth sense. Dad told him what happened as they switched seats. Uncle in the drivers now.
"Just drive me back around there"
"Nah, D. Don't do that." Uncle was smart. I knew it was a bad idea too, but daddy was determined.
"Just drive me back around real quick."
Uncle did. Bad idea... We drove back around into the little neighborhood only to see two cops cars at the house and Kia and the kids standing outside. We drove past but I knew they spotted us. We only got out the neighborhood when the cop car pulled us over and stopped us.
"Sir, are you Daric?"
"No."
LIE...
"Do you know or have relationship with Nikia?"
"Nah."
LIE...
"What's your name"
"Dan"
LIE...
"Sir, will you step out of the car."
It was only moments before the cop came back to our window.
" Are you his brother?"
"Yes, my name is Moses."
"Do you know what happened?"
"No sir, I'm just now getting off of work. He picked me up."
Okay, well he told the truth about what happened and uh we're gonna take him."
"Alright."

I died. My heart stopped and so did my breathing. I knew how the night would end, but I didn't prepare for it. Uncle and the cop were still talking but I couldn't hear them. My world was shattering around me and that's all I could hear. Broken glass. The cop walked off and we started to drive . I'm pretty sure uncle was talking to me , but I wasn't paying attention. We pulled up to our old apartment a few minutes later and my aunt opened the door. She told me she'll run me a bath so I walked towards the bathroom.

Auntie and Uncle. Auncle when I needed them at the same time. I lived with them for years before dad came back, then I had to leave. I didn't want to, but I had no say in the matter. Auntie came in the bathroom moments later to talk and I just stared at the water.

I knew what was coming next. I knew it as we drove away from the police car. I knew it as the cop came to the window. I knew as my father lied and I knew as we drove away to pick up Uncle. No one had to tell me what came next. I got out the tub and walked to my old room, sat on the bed and got dressed. I could hear Auncle talking to each like they always do when something happens. Deep murmurs of curiosity and confusion as Auntie asked what happened

and Uncle explained. I went to bed that night feeling empty. Like I had lost something deep inside of me.
The phrase "loss of innocence" is used when a character in a book losing something that makes them young. I'm not a character in a book, so can I experience a loss of innocence. I went to bed thinking that question and woke up 5 years later still wondering the same thing.

In those five years I had moved back and forth from Georgia to Alabama with my Grandmother. Auncle had moved to Birmingham with their first born and another on the way and Dad was still gone. I got visits and calls from Auncle from time to time, mostly to talk about grades and behavior. Considering I let both slip in the years I moved away. Maybe I was acting out because of how I grew up. I wanted attention, but I couldn't get it from the one person I needed it from. Maybe I was acting out , because I knew I could get away with most of it. Either way, I wasn't myself and everyone knew it.

In those five years, I looked back at that night when I was in the bathtub and I still hadn't answered the question of why I lied to Auntie when she asked me that question. I still don't know why. Maybe in that moment I wanted stay young. Stay so ignorant to everything around me that no one realized I knew everything that was going on. I wanted to stay innocent. I still do, but I can't. Because in those five years and the years after,

I lost my innocence...