Just imagine a little kid coloring in a drawing, then suddenly they color outside the lines and the drawing is ruined. In the blink of an eye the kids mood goes from happy to upset and not wanting to color anymore. This describes what my sister, cara and our relationship as siblings is like. Cara is four years older than me and is currently a sophomore in college. I do not remember much as a kid, but from vague memories and pictures, I can tell Cara and I seem to have gotten along very well.

From the pictures it may have looked like that but my parents saw our relationship having some issues when I was around 8 and did not want them to keep growing. This is one aspect of my childhood I do remember, my parents made me talk to a therapist for maybe a year. I recall just going in and playing games with the therapist, but I think my parents wanted me to share how I felt about my sister. As a child I of course did not see the problem, I just saw it as a normal relationship of being annoyed with her and having fun sometimes. My parents saw it as more than that, they saw it as Cara giving me a lot of anxiety and me not liking her. They were worried we would grow up and get worse, which is probably correct from what I can see.

Some background about Cara is that she has a lot of anxiety about school and has to have everything go the way she wants it. She also is very attached to my mom and likes to do a lot of activities with her. This is partly because Cara has a hard time to keep her friends because when something goes wrong she tends to push them away. This is the same for when she's mad at me, she just pushes me away.

This relates back to my little kid coloring example, one moment Cara and I could be bonding then suddenly something takes over Cara's mind or I say something and just like that she tells me "Jill you're annoying me go away" or "I got to go do work stop bothering me". I always wonder what I did that was wrong but soon began to realize it was not me who did anything, it was Cara's anxiety taking over her and not allowing her to have fun. I know it's tough for Cara to deal with all of the anxiety, but it's hard for me too because it makes it harder to bond with her.

One saying I always say is "Cara is worse than my parents," this is for many reasons. The first example of this is Cara is more strict than my parents. If I am out at a friends and come home then ask to go out again, usually my mom is fine with it but Cara is like "didn't you just go to a friends house?" Another example is one time my friends were over and we sat on the living room couches that we for some reason never use in our house. Anyways my mom had told Cara and I earlier not to put our feet on the couch, but when my friends were over I had totally forgot about that. So we sat on the living room couches and put our feet up, then Cara comes in the room telling us to "put our feet down they aren't allowed up there," in a vigorous tone.

This embarrassed me so much, I was in middle school and had just made some new friends, this was the worst thing that could have happened to me, so I thought. Many times after that Cara has had an annoying tone towards my friends or is rude to them and it is very hard for me to feel comfortable with bringing my friends over while she's around. My mom understands the issue and tries to occupy Cara sometimes or keep it under control when my friends are around. Currently Cara is attending her second year at Bryn Mawr college so I do not have any issues with bringing my friends home and worrying about Cara.

So far it just sounds like my sister and I have a terrible relationship, but although it's rough and we have some issues there are still many fun memories. We always enjoy listening to music and singing loud in our awful voices. In addition Cara just decided to get her license a year ago so we have had fun car rides and laughing at getting lost. My favorite memory is when we went to this moon bounce place in New York that my uncle owns and they had a moon bounce that had this mount on it. We stood on the mount with a helmet and inflatable jousting sticks. Our cousin counted down from 3 and then me and Cara starting hitting each other. In about 5 seconds I knocked Cara off the mount and then she came back up to go again. Then we also went on an obstacle course and raced each other. I remember having a really good time and always have wanted to go back.

Another memory I love is for the past 13 years we have gone to Bethany Beach except the last 2 years we have not had anytime to go. I just have memories of it always being so fun and there are of course some disagreements but Cara and I mostly got along. Sometimes I would bring a friend or she would too, but it was always so fun and not stressful. We just always got along a lot better there and would be able to do our own thing but also have bonding moments together. This is the reason I want to go back every year, not just is it fun but it also is good bonding for Cara and I.

To me, Bethany is like a second home and all I have are good memories from there. Compared to other vacations this one is always my favorite because at other places we stay at hotels but at Bethany we rent a condo. Which makes it feel more at home and not so trapped in a space together. Although I love staying at hotels I always feel like we end up just staying by the pool or not doing as much in our day. Then my mom and Cara go off to go shopping for a while and I barely see them in the day. Those vacations are still fun but I have better memories at Bethany, mostly because I feel we bond better there as a family and as siblings. Those moments where Cara and I bond are also the times where I feel I can open up to her because whenever I want to open up to her and she is in a bad mood she just pushes me away. But when we bond I can open up to her and she will just laugh with me instead of judging me. Of course not all the time she is pushing me away or annoyed with me, sometimes I am annoyed at her and do not want to talk. It goes both ways, but it happens a little more often because of the anxiety Cara gets from work or friends.

Since I have grown up more I began to realize I did not annoy Cara all the time, she just put school over me. She was very focused on getting good grades and had to try very hard to achieve that. Me on the other hand, I want good grades and sometimes work for them but I get good grades most of the time without putting much effort. Cara and I are opposite in some ways but in some ways very similar. For example I think we are both jealous of each other but do not notice it. Cara is probably jealous of how social I am and how many friends I have. My mom also told me, Cara always complains that I am the good child and they always punish her. Although they do punish her a lot more, I feel the opposite. I think they look at Cara as the good child who does not get into trouble and me as the social one who has to be careful of her actions. Ever since college Cara has became a lot more social which has helped our relationship a bit.

College definitely helps our relationship because we are not seeing eachother everyday and every second. Last year before Cara went to college people would ask “Are you going to miss Cara at college?” or “How do you feel about Cara going to college?” I would immediately say “I am excited for her to go!” Everyone would laugh and some people said I would miss her a little bit, but I always said no. Not until the day we started to unpack and the moment we officially drove off after dropping her off, did I realize that the house would be so empty. Usually I do not cry very much or over many things, but I felt myself tearing up and ready to burst as we drove off. I tried to keep it in and did not want my parents to realize how much I was really going to miss her. After about 10 minutes I could not contain it anymore, I started to sob and realized how much she meant to me. In that moment I forgot about all the rough moments and problems we had, all I could think about is the good memories that I did not want to go away. Of course after 2 days I got used to her being gone and went back to normal. But it still opened to my eyes that we might have a lot of issues but she is still my sister and I love her.

There is always one person Cara and I fight over or have a good time with together, her name is Katie. We met her at our temple when I was getting my baby naming, Cara was in this room hanging out with teens who watched the kids. Cara was attached to Katie the whole time so my parents asked Katie to babysit and I became attached to Katie too. I was only 3 months old when we first met Katie and currently she is like another sister to me. She is someone I always can open up to and have fun with when Cara is being annoying. At the same time Cara and I fight over having time alone with Katie a lot because she is someone we always see to talk to.

I think part of this is because Cara and I have a hard time opening up to each other for some reason but with Katie it is not hard. Although we fight over having time alone with her, we also have had some really fun memories just the 3 of us. One of the best memories is driving down to the beach for the day and enjoying laying in the sand tanning together. We also go out to lunch or dinner just us 3 a lot, it is like a fun get away with my 2 sisters. Sometimes it is hard to see Cara get along with Katie so well all the time, it makes me feel like she likes her more than me. She never is always talking to me and having fun like she is with Katie. I wish she could feel like she could open up to me as much as she does to Katie.

I am an extravert most of the time, I do enjoy occasionally having some alone time but I always love being around my friends. On the other hand Cara is an introvert, this is part of the reason she can stop having fun in a blink of an eye. It is hard to deal with both being opposites, but at the same time is good in a way. It allows us to be our own person instead of being like the other. Sometimes I feel like Cara is also closed off on having fun with me because she acts older than she is. All these years she has acted like she skipped over being a teen and just wanted to be an adult. That is probably why she is also so strict to me and also another reason it is hard for her to open up to me compared to Katie. I thought as I became a teen it would help our relationship but instead Cara is pushing those years away along with me. I try to ask her about her life or advice on what work I am struggling with in school, but she just tells me to go away and says she does not know. These are some of the struggles I acquire while trying to reach out to Cara.

There are some interests that bring Cara and I together, like How I Met Your Mother. We would watch every new episode together or Chrisley Knows Best. There are also places we like to go like Miami, Florida and always try to convince our parents to take us there. In addition we love to snapchat each other even though we are right next to each other. Sometimes we give each other massages or blast music in my room. One loving moment is when Cara comes into my room late at night and snuggles in my bed with me while we laugh. She likes to randomly come in my room late at night and start talking to me or lay in bed with me. Those are my favorite moments, there is no tension just fun.

Currently I think Cara and I have became closer from the lack of time we see each other with her away at college. When she comes home for long breaks part of the time goes back to the moments we are annoyed at each other. It is definitely better than before she went to college, but we still need to work on our relationship. I really hope it becomes better, I do not want to have a distance relationship when we are older. I am going to try to work on our relationship when she is home and hopefully she will too.