It was just a normal day or, at least until I got that phone call. Sitting there in class acting like it was not any different than yesterday. That was when the phone rang. The teacher had walked across the room to answer it, hoping my mom was calling saying I needed to leave school early because I did not want to be there any longer. The teacher looked at me and right then, I knew it was for me. She told me to take my stuff and go to the office. I got up from my seat and grabbed my books and left. Walking down the hallway felt like forever. My stomach was getting butterflies and I was getting nervous, thinking to myself, “Am I in trouble? Did someone get hurt?” I got down to the office and I saw my mom sitting inside, while confused why she was there I walked in. The people in the office had given me looks like they knew what happened. I walked in and sat next to my mom in silence.
Sitting face to face with my mom felt like time was not moving. My mom had come to say, “It’s Jordan”. Sitting there confused on what she had meant, “What do you mean mom?” Looking at the clock, it seemed like these few moments were taking hours to pass by. She had gotten choked up and when she finally felt it was time, she had told me the most heartbreaking news I have ever heard.

“Jordan.. He’s gone” said with tears running down her face one by one. When I had heard those three words come out of her mouth, they seemed in slow motion. When I finally processed it through my head, I fell to the ground. My heart felt as heavy as a rock. It was crazy to think that five minutes before I was told this, I had gone from being care free and having a good day to not wanting to be anywhere near people and wanting to just be with my cousin again. Not knowing what to think, I just sat there, sat there and cried for what felt like hours, but was really only a few minutes.

Sitting there flat on the ground lays a hammer in front of a mirror. The mirror sitting there looking at the hammer on the ground, all of the surroundings seem to not matter. Jordan walks into the room, and the mirror focuses on him. He grabs the hammer from the ground, with a look of depression. Standing there staring at the mirror, he starts to cry, he says,” I’m sorry” and throws the hammer. The mirror shatters into a million pieces and falls to the floor. While the mirror shatters, Jordan walks away into a white light. Lying there, the little tiny mirror pieces will never be able to be glued back together to make the mirror perfect again.

Going back to my grandparents’ house, my entire family was there. I walked in and I can remember my sister coming up to me and hugging me, as we both started to cry together. My family and I sat in the living room in silence, Jordan’s dad Rich had come into the dining room and sat down. He pulled out multiple pieces of papers and we all knew what they were. His suicide notes. He had left them for his mom, dad, sisters, and his cats. We sat and all cried together because our hearts had been shattered even more after hearing his last words and we could not express how we all felt.

Three days later, was his visitation, I had thought long and hard about this and his funeral. I knew that I could not see my cousin and my best friend lying there helpless. I had talked to my mom explained to her how I did not think I could go, she understood because she knew how close we were so she decided that I did not have to go if I couldn’t handle it. I had gone to stay at my aunt that day and I would think to myself that I had made a horrible decision about not going. The next day was his funeral. My birthday. I knew that I definitely could not go to his funeral. I wanted my cousin to be there for my birthday because well it was my birthday, every year I would spend it with my family and this year would just be different. I had gone to the lunch in that was after his funeral and the room was packed with loved ones and his friends.  I had walked in and I did not consider that it was my birthday. Walking around the room, my heart was breaking while making my way to say hi to family members and close family friends, all of them were wishing me a Happy Birthday and it just did not feel right, I would not get the Happy Birthday wish that meant the most at the time. His. To this day, I regret not going to his visitation and funeral. That is the biggest mistake in my entire life.

Waking up one morning, just sitting there in my bed, I had realized that it was exactly one year since Jordan had left us. I sat there and I thought to myself, “Is this real? Has it really been 1 year?” I tried to get out of bed to get ready for school but it didn’t feel real. I was hoping this was all just a dream that I would wake up from soon. I had gone to school, but it felt different from all of the other days at school. I had cried and cried so much that day it was like a river, because my heart was completely shattered. I hoped he would come back, but I knew that was not possible. I had gone to see the guidance counselor Beth; she knows my family personally so I knew I could talk to her about anything. She had told me that it is always going to hard knowing he is gone, but he would want you to think of all of the positive things about him instead. To this day, I do not have one bad memory about him in my head, I have memories of him smiling and making jokes. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if he would not of committed suicide, if he was still here. I wonder how different my life would be from how it is now. 

Almost four years have passed and they have not came easily to me. A family has lost one of their loved one to bullying. To think that that my own cousin would become so vulnerable and think that there is not enough help in the world to not commit suicide is heartbreaking. I have talked to my school counselor and my mother about this many times and it helps me get through it easier. This event has made it so we will never be like that mirror again, we can never get glued back together because kids were bullying him and made up rumors about him that were never true. From those kids doing those things to my cousin he made a choice that would change everyone’s lives and his. Now my cousin and I will never be able to see each other again and that breaks my heart. He was not only my cousin, but my best friend.