My whole entire life I felt as though I didn’t belong here. Why? Because every single day I had doubts about myself and thought that I’d never be good enough for anyone. Last summer, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital twice. The first time was for multiple suicide attempts, the other for fighting with my mom and not behaving. Some people find that the hospital was a great way to feel better about themselves, but for me, I had never been so miserable in all of my existence.  Sitting in a single room for 13 hours, doing daily goals that nobody ever achieved, and crying that our parents would sign the permission slip to get us the hell out of there. Unfortunately, with the slip it would take 3 days to come through, then you’d have to go to court. However, by the time you’d be going to court, you’d be discharged if there were no current issues.   

 
My mother really wanted me to get help so I knew she wasn’t going to get me out of there. ‘’You need to get help,’’ she said, ‘’this will help you and you won’t feel the way you feel anymore." Crying almost everyday , I sat motionless, stared at the floor, and when I did that,it felt like I was not existing. Feeling like I was nothing was an everyday struggle, I couldn't handle being locked away.I missed my mom and I just wanted to go back home to my cats, good food, and my own bed.

Once I got there the first time, I had enough time to sit and think about whether suicide was really the answer or not, which at the time I felt that it was. I absolutely hated it there, and hated it even more after finding out that we had rules basically like a jail. Wake up at 5:00 AM, shower, go back to sleep, wake up at 7:30 AM, go sit in the group room until 8:30 PM. I’m the type of person who can’t stand being somewhere for too long, or even knowing that I’m locked in somewhere and can’t get out. My anxiety levels were up only because of the fact that leaving on my own or even going outside wasn’t possible. I had no idea how long I would be there, it could be weeks, months, who knew.                

Being with other patients who had worse problems made me think about my life, although I can’t say what was wrong with them, I knew that my life was like paradise compared to theirs. My only problems were my self esteem and that I hated looking at myself and just wanted to die. I never hurt myself or attempted suicide to get attention, I’ve never been like that, but it always felt Bette to know that one day the pain would go away. if I had never gone to that hellish place of a hospital, I would probably continue to be self harming and attempting to kill myself. Although, I faked everything when I was in the hospital to just get out. "Yes, I feel a lot better. I think I can go home now. The depression is gone." I told my psychiatrist knowing I was lying. I thank my mother so much for getting me the help, although I felt like the hospital didn’t help me, I had to help myself. They put me on medication to control my constant mood changes from sadness to anger, then to extreme depression.

Thinking about being in the hospital brought back so many bad memories, the annoying 13 and 14 year olds who haven’t met maturity, the food that made me gain 20 pounds, and feeling trapped. I ended up being there for a complete week, and the only good thing about being there was that I made some awesome friends, and I still keep in contact with them to this day. Some got better, some didn’t, but I did and I wasn’t going to let anyone change that. When I got home I saw a different perspective of how I lived and I appreciated what I had a whole lot more than when I did before. My mom and I got along as we always did, and I thought that the depression would be gone finally, but a couple months later it came back with a vengeance. I ended up self harming so badly that the cuts wouldn’t heal back to the original skin I had, and it’ll always be a constant reminder of when I was at my weakest point. I had attempted suicide again, and failed after I felt bad for my family. I’m not exactly happy about that, but if I had done that, I wouldn’t have the good memories that I have now and I wouldn’t have met the one person that holds me up and changes my thoughts every time I feel like hurting myself or ending my life. And that person is the love of my life, Sammy.

After being put on different meds, getting back into therapy, and finally having a stress-free relationship with someone who treats me better than anyone that I’ve ever met;suicide or self harm didn’t exist to me anymore.  So far I haven’t had any meltdowns or any attempts to commit suicide or self-harm, but I still do have my low days and my high days. I make the most out of every day and I don’t let little things hurt me anymore because there’s always going to be struggles in my life, I have to learn to get used to them.

As I finally decided that I had to change my life, I tried to make the best out of every single day and keep my thoughts positive. On my road to recovery, I woke up every morning and ate at least something, took my new medication that had done wonders for me, and stayed home. I did that the entire summer, and I kept my head up as much as I could. I started going back into therapy every week, which was beneficial to my recovery because I needed an extra push to get by. Instead of letting everyone else help me, I needed to help myself. I went to the gym everyday to put my pain into something else, healthy pain. The exercise really helped with my thought process because the more I worked out, the better I felt about myself. I also had Sammy with me pushing me along the whole way.’’Keep your head up and change your thoughts,’’ he told me, ‘’you can do this baby!’’  When nobody else was there to help me, he was, and he's one of the main reasons why I'm here today. Whenever I'm feeling down, he's always there to pick me back up. "You're beautiful no matter what, he said, you're my princess and you're the greatest thing in the entire world. You are worth so much more than you think you are,’’he continued, ‘’I love you so much, you can do this." Those are the kind of things he says to me on a daily basis, and I couldn't be more grateful for him because without him, I wouldn’t have anyone to build me up and make me feel loved as much as I do. I only had my mom and yes she cared and loved me, but I needed a different love that I didn’t recieve from my father. He is a big reason as to why I didn’t want to live anymore. ‘’I think you’re cutting yourself for attention’’, he said, ‘’you need to stop because it’s not cute.’’ I wondered in my head, how could he say that to me? I would never modify my body with scars for attention. It’s unfortunate that I don’t have support from my father like I should have, but I have my mother, my brother, and Sammy.

To this day I am very happy to say that I no longer feel like committing suicide, and my moods have been stabilized for a while now. It's been a long journey but I'm proud of myself for trucking along in this world. Appreciate what you have, life isn't that hard, and one day you'll make a huge impact in someone's life.