My grandmother died two days after christmas in 2011. My grandmother was my best friend, we did everything together, when I say everything I mean everything. Every weekend I would go to her house and she would teach me how to make watermelon salad, peach tea, cold pasta salad, and many more things. It would take me awhile to grasp how they were made but after a couple times of her showing me how to make all of those dishes. I can remember to this day when she would let me cut the watermelon into four sections and scoop little balls of the watermelon and have each other try and catch them with our mouths. I would wonder to myself how long these little moments would last on the weekends. I called my grandmother Banna because I could never say grandma so it came natural as child. When her and I got done cooking she would ask me to set the table and I remember I would never set it right so she would come show me the proper places to set the silverware and fold the napkins. She also taught me how to use my manners because if my brother and I did not use our manners than we could not get what we were asking for. My banna wanted me to grow up and be like my mom and be a lady with proper manners. Her and my mom would always say “use your manners like a young lady, for one day when you're dead and gone people won't look back at you for the clothes you wore but for the type of person you were and for the manners you used.” Every night I would wonder to myself what am I going to do if she left? I knew nobody could ever replace her.

   In 2007 I found out my banna had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and I did research that night. I found out that you can't live without you pancreas and that not many people survive this severe of a cancer. Once it was time to go to sleep that night I closed my eyes and tears flowed like a river until I fell asleep a couple hours later. At this age I didn't really accept death and never thought it could happen because I never had a loved one die before. I would never cry around my mom because I wanted to be strong for her. The next couple days all i could think about were all of the memories and things I did wrong. I felt awful because I really never spent the night away from my mom and every time I was supposed to spend the night at their house i would cry and go home because i never stayed anywhere and I was scared I would never see my mother again.I was scared I would never see my mom because I would watch shows where kids leave and someone murders their mom or something. It got to me I knew it would never happen but I always had that little thought inside. I also was and still am a momma's girl and I didn’t wanna leave her. But every time I would go to my banna and boppies (grandpa) house I would always cry after my mom would leave and I wouldn't stop till she came and picked me up. I never really spent the night only about 4 times because my parents were out for business.

   My banna and boppie got extremely hurt and I look back and think now that she is gone how bad of a granddaughter I was. If i could tell banna anything it would be that I was sorry and how thankful and grateful I am for everything she taught me and I love her. I remember when her cancer got really bad and she was in chemotherapy her hair would start falling out to the point my mom shaved her head my brother and I said we would go bald with her. I wish I would have done it because I wanted her to see it wasn't that bad. I wanted to show her that she is no different than anyone else. I regret ALL the wrong I did to her. Her favorite game was Uno and i would never want to play and she would have the most depressed look on her face. I wish i could just go back and restart. I've realized now that I made so many mistakes and they hurt my family and disappointed my banna. She raised me to be better than that. I regret not staying the night and always crying and leave. I don't ever get to see her again and I have to live with all this guilt and regret for the rest of my life. It's a lot it may not seem like it to some but for my best friend to die and me have guilt and regret it's hard. I always look at our family photo albums and see her holding me as a baby and I still have home videos and videos on my camera. When she died she gave me a bottle of her perfume and all her scarfs sometimes i'll just hold them and smell them and imagine she's still here with me, or if it's a nice day i'll look up and think to myself that she asked god for a nice day because she loved to do gardening. She loved nature and everything about the outdoors. But even though I have messed up a lot I know she's still proud of me and who I am becoming. I have grown up since then I now spend the night at my friend's houses all the time and I don't cry for my mom anymore. I have grown up and realized that it was very childish of me and that  had no worry and she was safe and that we sometimes need a break. But I love my mom and i love my banna. I miss her so much I think about her all the time. I'll always remember our conversations and how much joy she brought to everyone and everyone loved her.