5 seconds. The most important event in my life felt as if it lasted over 5 years, but was actually 5 seconds. The word “goodbye,” started it all. He, my grandpa, said goodbye to me as he was lying down in that bland colored hospital room. A room with little existence of life and a memory of the dead that lived within the walls before. He laid in that thin hospital bed with covers that were barely warmer than wearing a tank top in the freezing winter. Feeling as if I was in slow motion. My hyperactive imagination began to fill my mind with hopes and disappointments, creating a world pool of emotions. I approached his hospital bed, looked him straight in the eyes, and the tears just started pouring out of my eyes. Unable to even get a sound out, he pulls my head slowly down until my ear was right next to his mouth.

He whispered  into my ear with his thick Italian accent, “You are strong, and I know I can say this to you and nobody else. Goodbye my love, I’ll be above watching and waiting.”

Shock instantly struck me, leaving me with only the words to say, “I’ll always be looking up.”

I remember every little detail from those fractions of a second in time. I could see the reflection of myself in his crystal blue eyes, shimmering as if they were the ocean during a bright summer morning. I could see how much the illness had affected him, as he has no smile, and only the emotion of pain painted on his face to create an everlasting picture. I instantly thought, “What is going to happen next?”  And there goes the first second.

I walk out of that room of horror into the spinning, weeping hallways, not knowing what to do with myself. I began to stare off into space, for what felt like an hour, but was only a second. In that second, I felt the fear of not being able to experience anything else with him, denying the fact that this was the last moment I ever spent with my best friend and becoming overwhelmed with the sadness that clouded my thoughts. I starting to experience a moment of  insanity. I didn’t know what I was going to do without my grandpa; he was my best friend.

I always planned out a certain time in the day, 12:30 to be exact. He would come over to eat our peaches and watermelon and play some weird Italian card game with me that I never really understood how to play. He would always let me win, until my smile grew into a cocky smirk, he would then teach me a lesson by wiping the floor with me.
Then, like always, I would ask him to teach me his native language and he would always start and end with the same joke, “Alright just this one time, ready?”
I would get so overwhelmed with joy and I would always say, “Hit me old man.”
He would reply with, “Okay say, Spaghetti.”
“Spaghetti.” I would repeat with a smart remark.
“There you go! You are now a true Italiano!”
I would laugh at him and then say, “one day I will get you to teach me!”
This conversation lead to us to talk about everything and anything, from general stuff about our days; what we ate, funny things that happened, scary things or weird things that occurred. To finally we would always talk about softball, college, and my future.

This conversation created a gateway into so many new topics and ideas! But the one thing that would always come to mind was what I wanted to do when I grew up. When I was a little girl,  I wanted to be a interior designer because my favorite thing of all time was to visit the large furniture stores and design my future house or bedroom. Since the age of 12 I have wanted to be a doctor! When I said that to him for the first time, his facial expression said it all! I still remember thinking to myself, “I’m going to make him so proud one day.” Then our conversation would lead to what type of doctor I am going to be, but this was the stumper for me. I could never move past that question, it baffled me. Thinking to myself, “ I’m 12 years old, should I already know this? Of course not?”

My grandpa instantly saw the confusion on my face and said, “ I can see the distress on your face, little one. Just listen to me, all you need to do is be someone that you would look up to. Be someone who other people say wow to. Be someone who doesn’t care about your own achievements, but cares about other’s achievements. Be someone who gives credit instead of receiving credit.”

“ You know what grandpa, you are right. I don’t know what I want to do right now, not exactly what doctor I’m going to be, but I do know this, I want to give people the opportunity to escape their illness and be their own Houdini.”

His words repeats over and over again in my head, word for word, all of those loving memories rushed through my head like a title wave rolling, then splashing into my mind. The emotions started rolling in, one by one, first starting with fear; fear of the fact that I will never be able to live these memories again. Never being able to experience drinking a glass of arnold palmer on the porch with my grandpa, a laugh, a smile, not even a cry. The next emotion being denial, “No, this can’t be the end, this can’t be the end, I won’t let it be,” as this thought repeated through my head several times. I felt like I was going insane. Which ends second 2, denial/fear.

Now second 3, insanity. I couldn’t and wouldn’t accept the fact that my grandpa was dying. I was standing in the hallways, with the door to his death room was slightly opened. I could see his feet and the people at the end of the bed but nothing past that. Standing alone, completely exhausted staring down the hallway.
I started whispering, “ this can’t be it, it can’t be over. Who is going to be there when I walk across the stage at graduation, when I hit my first home run, and when I experience my first heartbreak?”

I scream from the top of my lungs, “WHO WILL I HAVE NOW!”

Boom. I fell to the floor in desperation. I felt like an animal that was struck by a car, in so much pain, but I am unable to move, I lost all motion. This feeling, of being stuck, drove me into a pathetic and helpless insanity. I remember my heart beating out of my chest. It felt like my heart was trying to break out of jail. My face soaked from all the tears and my shirt covered in black streaks from my mascara. All I could think was, “When will the insanity end?” Then I looked up from my knees which were pressed into my face from sitting crouched on the ground.

As I saw my grandpa’s doctor walk into his room, my words echoed, “Why, why wouldn’t you save him?”
He simply replied, “I tried everything, but fate already decided.”

My initial thought was, “why do I even want to be a doctor, I can’t save people anyways.” Dwelling on the thought that the doctor couldn’t save my grandpa, the 4th second happened. Overwhelming sadness. All I felt was depressed and restless, I didn’t know anything anymore. I was so set on being a doctor, and giving people hope, but now I see that all I will do is put on a show of failure. Instead of escaping the straightjacket or chains, just left there to dangle alone and hopeless. The thought of failing my grandpa, just took everything out of me. I could feel the weight of an elephant on my chest, as the thoughts became harder and harder to withstand. I strived to make him proud and now all I have done is failed. I’m not even being strong for him like he said, I mean look at me, I’m breaking down in the middle of the hospital. All I am is a disappointment and I couldn’t handle that. It drove me crazy to think that I was disappointing my grandpa, so I thought to myself what can I do?

5th second. Realization. What am I doing to myself right now? Putting myself down for what? Killing my dreams for what? He has always told me to work hard, and never give up. So why am I giving up now that he is gone? Shouldn’t I be putting it all into effect now? I stopped the tears, I stopped the horrible thoughts, I stopped the insanity, and finally had clarity. I figured it out, I know what I want to do. I want to give everyone who lost hope due to an illness the key to the chains or to release the restraints. I’m not giving up my dream, and now I know what I want to do in my future and I am going to do everything I can to work towards it. I’m going to make my grandpa proud and become a hematologist oncologist. That’s it. I know it sounds crazy, I just randomly thought of this? But yeah, it came to me. Doctor’s lose patient's , it’s going to happen. But if I can take the worst case and give the tiniest bite of hope, then what more can I ask for? I could ask for my grandpa back, I could ask to keep him in my life forever, but that pain painted across his face will never go away. Fate decided it was time for him to leave me, to be on my own. I will make him so proud of me, and I will always remember his facial expression when I told him I wanted to be a doctor. The same thought pops up every single time, “ I’m going to make him so proud one day.” And that was the end of my 5th seconds.

My grandpa passed away from stage 4 stomach cancer and robbed me of my best friend. But instead of dwelling on that fact, something I had no control over, why not fight it? I want to fight cancer every day, not just for my grandpa, for myself. I would never thank cancer for what it has done, but I will have a different perspective towards it. Instead of looking it straight in the eyes and being scared, the chains drop and next the jacket as if it wasn’t even a challenge.

This life experience changed me and my future. Without this, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wouldn’t spend hours and hours of my life doing homework every night. I wouldn’t spend hours and hours helping people in need, in need of guidance, in need of a friend, in need of a different life, or simply in need of a smile. My grandpa always told me to be someone that you would look up too. Be someone who other people say wow too. Be someone who doesn’t care about their own achievements, but cares about other’s achievements. Be someone who gives credit instead of receiving credit. And ever since, I have never stopped doing any of these things. Looking back to that moment when I heard the phone call, a moment of silence after the hello, and then a bloody murder scream. Right then, the next chapter in my life began. What I am working towards now. The chapter when one minute hanging upside down, or chained down and submerged in water, and everyone waiting for what happens next. Suddenly, the chains fall down, the jacket slips off and there it is, the escape. The escape from cancer. Looking at the happiness painted across my patients faces, as I stand behind the scene’s allowing them to receive the credit they so rightfully deserve. That is my story.