You never truly realize how much a childhood event can define you as a person. One small encounter can completely change your mentality. You could go from a nice quiet child to a loud mouth brat in 3 minutes or vice versa. When I think back to it I like to think that I was more confident and trusting of people in the fourth grade. That was the year I truly did lose my old self, so outgoing and self righteous. Up until then I thought I was the greatest thing since, well, creation itself. In my mind I had no flaw and all I needed was myself because I was to good for most, I was literally a God in my own mind, but that all changed at the drop of a hat. One day my fourth grade class received a new student. This new student truly caught my eye. A girl with medium length brown hair with brown eyes that sparkled like the stars at night. Seeing her was like being struck by a train and I wanted the be struck again. Just being around her made my ears hot and tingly. For personal reasons let’s just call her Rin. The second I laid my eyes on her I was hooked like a fish to a string.

From that day on I tried to get closer to her. At the time I thought I would have no problem impressing her. After all how could the first girl I ever deemed worthy to truly grace my presence deny me. At lunch I saw her sitting alone and I took my chance. She sat there at the edge of the table slowly sipping the life out of  her chocolate milk. I sat down with so much confidence even Kasa Nova would be jealous no words were needed. As we sat there in silence I tried to figure out her persona. She was hard to read all I really could find out is that she was the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in that time of my life.  I didn’t know what to say all my thoughts were muffled, so after sitting in silence for a bit I just said “Hi, where’d you come from?” She gave me a puzzled look and said some location. but of course, I was too distracted by her beautiful light brown eyes to pay attention. It was surreal, I felt like my mind was going to explode and I loved it! We continued to talk more and slowly became “friends”. Every chance I had I would talk to her. It made my day everyday. But soon  my opinion of her and myself would change forever.

It was a chilly day in November leaves were piling up on the ground and I was ready to crunch every single one under my feet. It had been weeks since I met her and I was pretty sure I was in love. The cold weather made my face numb and my ears red while I stood there crunching leaves. I saw my “friend” Adam on the other side of the playground hanging upside down on the monkey bars in his white puffy coat. Adam was a smelly person with a fish face but I trusted him. I finally decided to tell one of my most trusted friends that I had my first crush ever! I was holding that thought in my head a for about four weeks and I was about to explode with anticipation. So I approached Adam “Can you keep a secret?” He responded  “Yeah bruh, spill the beans.” So in full confidence I told him. “You know that new girl?” He stopped and thought about for a bit “Oh yeah. What about her” I looked at him as if he had just said the word of the day and said “Don’t tell anyone but I have a huge crush on her!” He looked at me with a stern look and slurred “I won’t tell nobody.” Afterwards I felt as if I had just dropped an eighty pound weight that has been sitting on my chest for far too many years and it felt amazing. Later at recess I saw him go up to her almost in slow motion and whisper something in her ear and she just yelled “EWWWWWWWW!!!! HE’S A FUGLY RETARD!! WHY DOES HE HAVE TO LIKE ME, he’s disgusting!”. The second I heard that my heart sank to the darkest region of myself and my confidence and trust was obliterated. I was no longer the magnificent beast I thought I was in my mind, I was nobody. About ten minutes later my “friend” came up to me because he saw that I overheard what she said. He sat next to me looked me in the eye “ Man forget her she’s stuck up anyways” In my head the words “my fault, my fault” echoed.  My response was something even I didn’t expect I blamed myself. I looked him dead in the eye and muttered “It’s my fault anyways, why would I think someone would like me, “I’ll never be good enough for anyone.”. My “friend” looked shocked as if I’d just smacked him moments ago. But it was time to go inside so I just walked away without letting him finish his sentence.                                                

The girl ended up moving before year’s end and so did Adam. I guess it worked out because I didn’t have to deal with looking at them anymore. At the end of this I truly was a different person. I no longer purposely flaunted myself like I did before. I was no longer the god I thought I once was.You could say that she’s the one who beat God himself.  I had a whole new persona. Not only did I get the gift of slight trust issues and zero self confidence. I also came one step closer to the overanalyzing person I am today and I wouldn’t have it any other way. This experience does not make me livid when I think back on it; In all honesty it makes me kind of happy because I don’t know who I would be right now if it didn’t happen.