I had just moved into town and was starting a new school. I was scared just thinking of the kids and how they would act towards me or how they would treat me. I introduced myself to the other students. Everyone seemed so nice they all greeted me with respect and these few girls said, “Tori would you like to come and play with us?” I was happy because I was making new friends. Then again it was only 5th grade.

The whole year was going great! Then the school year ended and we all went our separate ways for three months because of summer. Some went on vacations, others went to camps and others just plain stayed in their house. I was one of those who just stayed home and didn't really do much. Then our summer was coming to an end. I was excited to start middle school and reunite with my friends from elementary school. Then the first day of middle school came. I saw my friends and we automatically hugged each other and started talking. All of my friends did something interesting over the summer. They wouldn't stop rambling about it. I felt out of place in the conversation due to the fact that I didn't go or do anything over the summer. So I just excused myself saying I needed to use the restroom. I got back and they were all checking each other's schedules and seeing if they had any classes together. Once I got back they were quick to ask to see my schedule and surprisingly we all pretty much had the same classes. We were all excited because we would be able to talk and goof off like normal teenage girls.

The first few months of middle school were great. We had fun, we got super close or so I thought. I thought I could trust them so I went ahead and told them how I was treated at home by my parents and how I went through a phase of self harm because of them and started using drugs at age 13. They didn't say much; they just giggled and said I  was probably over exaggerating and my parents had their reasons and the right to do what they did, which was put hands on me and become even  worse over the years.

A few days after I told them they were drifting and leaving me behind. When one day I confronted them asking why they were ignoring me and acting different towards me. They said they didn't want to be my friends and they only started talking to me becauses they felt bad for me. That I was annoying and they didn't wanna be seen with a girl who self harmed herself. I was heartbroken. I never would have thought they would backstab me. I actually thought they cared. The next day walking in school all alone with no one by my side was the hardest thing to do. As I entered the school I immediately felt all eyes on me! Walking through all the students with their eyes all on me made me feel so uncomfortable. I rushed to my locker. I saw my “ex friends” and I asked why everyone was staring at me. All they said was ‘stay away from us you freak!. Go look for yourself in the internet’.

I went online and  I saw what some horrible person wrote about me and it had my secrets that I only told my “friends.” I knew for a fact it was them who were making up more than what I had told them. What most hurt me were the names they were calling me because I cut. I never told anyone and this was the same reason why. I made a mistake and I had to face the consequences. Weeks passed and nothing was getting better and to top it off problems started at home once again. I was getting to the point where I was just ready to quit and run away. I was so tempted to grab my razor and just push down and feel the cold of the razor running across my arms, legs etc. I refused to fall back into my habit. I did manage to run away and go to my cousins for a few days. I acted as if I was sleeping over and I wanted to spend time with them. Eventually I had to come back, which brought more problems when I got home. Things got so physical between my father and I, that this time cops were involved. I was so tore inside and depressed I couldn't help it but turn back to my habit. I stopped attending school because I was just being made fun off and I couldn't stand it. I felt so disgusted and like I gave up on myself for falling back into my habit. Hiding my scars was always a problem. Being asked why I always wore sweaters, never being able to wear shorts without leggings underneath or dresses was so hard to explain.

Eventually I couldn't take any more and I went to my aunt because I was lost, hurt, confused and falling into deep in my habit. She was hurt and asked why I never talked about it or told her. I told her it's not an easy topic to  bring up like nothing. She got me help. I was up for the help and treatment. I knew that it was going to be hard from what I remember from last time. But I knew if I got through it the first time I could accomplish it once again. She also put me in an online school which helped me continue my school work but I'm not going to lie, I got pretty behind with my classes. I knew I could catch up if I set my mind to it. I'm not going to lie and say it's not tempting but I know I’m better than that. I just go for a walk and get things off my mind. I don't know where I would be right now if I wouldn't have reached out to my aunt. I’m thankful for her help and being so understanding and not judgemental.