B-u-u-z-z.  The phone rings waking me up.  Its him.  Suddenly, a deep emotion stress comes upon me again.  It’s eleven o'clock at night, why is he calling at this hour?  It is way too late for a ten year old to up.  Chills run up my spine as I remember his face and the emotional distress I went through.  Bushy eyebrows, dark hair, piercing blue eyes. His eyes are full of sorrow and regret.  Should I answer?  I tell myself no, my life is better without him, but I still have unanswered questions.  What would my life be like if I still knew him?  Does he still look the same?  Where did he go?  Why is he calling me after not saying anything for five years?  I feel unappreciative of my new life for being curious about him.  My face is red and hot with tears.  The phone continues ringing.  It seems like it is never going to stop.  The agitating ringing pounds inside my head.  I clench my fists.  I am fearful, but at the same time an obscure anger builds up in me.  I want to explode.

The phone stops ringing.  I feel that I can breathe again, but I can’t help but keep thinking about him.  All the memories come back to me now.  I feel as if I am there in the memories, it’s like i’m in a daydream.  I am frozen.  The memories and the flashbacks need to go away, but they don’t, and they just become more vivid.  I’m scared.  I start shaking.  My breathe begins to become heavier by the second.

I try my best every day to forget what happened.  I want him completely erased from my mind.  I try to tell myself to have no emotional attachment to him, that he is just a faint memory of time.  But how can you completely forget someone you once loved?  How can you erase them from your memory as if nothing ever happened?  I don’t know how to live the burden of him on my shoulders every day.  I need the weight to be unlifted.  I don’t know how to let him go, but I know I need to in order to be happy.  Does forgetting someone make you happy?  I don’t understand.  I feel like it is my fault.  There are too many emotions for me to process.  I am overwhelmed.  I don’t know what to do.

I lay silently in my bed and think of the fantasy of him still being at home with me.  I feel guilty for doing so.  I miss him.  I really miss him.  I am not suppose to miss him though.  I feel that I am not allowed to miss him.  It’s been years since I have last seen him.  I am being dramatic and need to get over myself.  I have a happy family now.  I’m happy.  But there is still something that makes me doubt myself.  There is still something that makes me wonder.  I don’t know what it is, but all of a sudden the dout takes control of me and I feel guilty for what happened, like it is my fault.  I feel like I should have done something about it, that I could have done something about it.  As I continue to think about it I can feel the weight on my shoulders become heavier.

I feel that I cannot tell anyone about this, and I must lock it away and hide it.  I do not want anyone judging me, for the actions he has made.  I feel alone that I have nowhere to go.  I try to conceal my feelings, but I can’t do it any longer.  The stress and anxiety keeps building up inside me and sooner or later it  might explode.  I know that I cannot tell anyone about this, so I sweep the secret under the rug and hide all my emotions.  I try to forget all the memories we shared together, and I wear a mask.  This mask will hide my past and everything I wish to forget.  The clock strikes twelve and I know I should be asleep by now.  I continue to sit in bed and stare at the ceiling and I think to myself....  Why did my father leave me and why is he calling?