I knew this day was going to come. I had a feeling that her leaving was going to upset me; however I didn’t really think that it would hit me as hard as it did. My sister always acted like she was my mother. She was always on top of me about the things I was doing, or not doing, or should’ve been doing...and every time she acted that way, I would get aggravated or upset with her.

I’ll never forget the day I wanted to go out with a bunch of my friends for a birthday party:

“Can I go out with my friends for a birthday party ma? We’re going to see a movie?” I asked.

“Yeah...probably...the thing is you can only go if your sister goes,” my mom said as she dried the dishes she just washed.

“You know I don’t like you with that group of people, so i’m not going,” Christian said.

“That’s not fair!” I shouted, “My friends are fine Christian; I don’t see why you won’t come with me to see for yourself.”

“I don’t like you with that group of people and I’m pretty sure mom agrees with me Jordan. You may not understand right now, but you’ll get it eventually.”

And just like that, the decision on my night out was made. I couldn’t go. I never understood why Christian felt that way about my friends; she’d only seen them in passing or at the basketball games. But for some reason the last part of what she said stuck with me. Her words were like a warning that played constantly in the back of my mind. There was something about my friends that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. An uneasiness that I sometimes felt. However, I didn’t understand how a feeling so small could be able to prevent me from hanging out with my friends from time to time.

There were many moments like that throughout the years. I always knew that Christian only wanted the best for me, even when she was getting on my nerves.  On the days that I was really frustrated with her, I would count down the days until she would be going off to college. Then one day I realized that the time had gone by quickly and my sister’s high school graduation day had arrived.

I remember her graduation day like it was yesterday. I remember sitting in the high seats in the auditorium. I was excited and a little bit nervous.

“She’s really graduating,” I said to myself as I watched her all white cap and gown go across the auditorium floor.

As I waited for them to call her name, I began to think back to those happy, sad or even just those normal days with her. When her name was called tears were pouring, half of the tears were me being a proud little sister and the others were me crying because I knew what her graduation meant.  She would be leaving for college soon afterwards and I didn’t want her to go. I knew that her going away to college was the best thing for her and that she would be back; but the feeling of not having her presence with me at all times was too much to bear.  Nothing was going to be the same. Those early Sunday morning clean ups with her, those late night joke sessions or even those mid--day talking hours, would all soon be gone. Just knowing that the things I live for the most were not going to be that way anymore made me really sad.

When Christian finally did leave for college, my whole attitude towards things kind of changed. Not only did my attitude change, the house did as well.  It felt as if I was alone. The emptiness of the house drove me crazy. No one was there, but me. Of course I wasn’t home alone. I had my whole family. I just didn’t have her. Need wasn’t the feeling that I was feeling when she left; it was more like I lost my best friend. I knew all along that she would be leaving, but I had not accepted the fact that the time was moving faster than I thought. She is a big help in my life, so when she left, I felt helpless.

I missed her strength. On the few occasions that she did go with me to certain parties, regardless of who would be there, when she walked in with me I knew that I would be ok. Now when I go to parties or any event without her, I don’t feel as safe. I don’t know if safe is the right word, I just know that I’m not as comfortable as I would be if she was there with me. Maybe it’s because she’s my protector.  She always protected me from others and she protected me from making silly mistakes. Whenever I felt uneasy about things she would remind me of how strong I am and she never let me forget that I could lean on her.

The thought of attending high school is scary. My coming to my new school alone when all of my other friends were going to a different high school was very scary. Christian encouraged me by telling me that I would be experiencing some of the same things as she would be at JMU. We were going to talk each day to compare notes. But we started school at the same time and her freshman orientation lasted practically all day. So we rarely talked at all the first few weeks of school.  Which were the hardest weeks for me because not only was I in a totally different environment, I was also dealing with missing my sister.

I know that my sister going away to college is a good thing for her and it gives her an opportunity to chase her dreams. At the same time, she is setting an example for me. So even with her being away doing her thing, she is still being my big sister and taking care of me by showing me how it’s supposed to be done.