I can’t accept the fact that it’s all over. After such a long time, I had everything I had been dreaming about, him. But in a split second, regret killed everything off. I can’t just let it all go, it meant so much to me. Why can’t he see it?

Over the course of a year, my feelings for him grew ridiculously demanding. He was constantly in my head, running lap after lap. Just let it go. No. I fought my own thoughts for weeks, until I decided I had to do something. But I talked myself out of it. Again. After months of contemplation, I told. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I liked him.

It was a cool night in summer when I revealed my secret to someone I trusted more than myself. His sister. My best friend.

    Laying in the cool grass, I remember the words fighting to leave the walls my heart built around them.

    “Aurora, it’s your brother.” I whispered into the delicate breeze.

    I remember vivid shock in her voice.

    “It can’t be.” She said.

    Confusion and exhilaration filled her face, while fear crept over mine. Had I really just done that? I had.

A few days later I was invited over for the night, a typical thing between the two of us. This time was different though. As night fell and the family headed off to bed, Aurora and I were invited into his room for a movie. Aurora, being his pesky little sister, refused and headed off to bed in the living room.

    “You can stay,” he said, with what I swear was a devious little smile.

    “Okay, sure.” I said, hoping to just be close to him, and feel his energy.

    We sat down on the bed, and the movie started. We didn’t watch it. Instead, we talked, for hours and hours. I learned so much about him, which only worsened my infatuation.

It felt like that night would never end, and how I wish it hadn’t.

When I arrived home, with the familiar scents and familiar sounds, I yearned for his company once again, but I knew this would never happen, never escalate. That night, I bathed, hoping to lather away his scent, and let go of my feelings that were so strong for him. Little did I know I had a long way to go before I would ever let this go. He had something special.

    About three nights after my encounter with him, I called him, my voice shaking, and heart racing.

    “I really like you, a lot.” I said, fighting to keep my voice steady.

That is when it started. The games began and my heart slowly began a roller coaster ride that would end in disaster.

After that call, the world came crashing down at my feet. He wouldn’t talk to me, or even look at me. It tugged at my heart more than anything had before. I hated it. I couldn’t deal with it. Why did he hate me? He didn’t. That was the game.

Soon enough, we had surpassed two months of nearly no contact, but things started to improve. We were talking again, laughing even. It felt so good to feel his energy once again. Like I said, he was special.

To this day, I still don’t know what switched in his mind, but it was sudden, and happened again.

A few months later, Aurora and I had another sleepover. This one would change my life, for the worst. It was the super bowl and her family had a big celebration. School was canceled the next day, so we were free to party into the night, and that we did. I had no idea what I was in for in the next twenty four hours.

The party was well underway and I was having a great time. Our team was losing, but nobody cared. We were all so genuinely happy. I hadn’t been like that in a long time.

In all the fun, I found myself looking at him different. My feelings weren’t the same as they had been, they were too strong to deny. I looked at him seductively, and he returned the glance. I was confused. I thought he hated me. He didn’t.

His little mind game charged at me full force tonight, and I wish I had controlled myself. There were only a few of us left, and more were leaving. As his friend exited the room for the night, I remember him telling me to be careful. I looked at him, a hint of fright in my eye. He saw it and walked out.

When the party had died down for the night, Aurora and I headed upstairs to the living room with him. As we approached the couch, I caught him staring at me.

“What?” I asked, curiosity overtaking me.

“Nothing,” he said, a caring, soulful look flashing across his face, then returning to normal.

I let it go, he doesn’t like me, remember?

Hours go by and we are all talking until I look over and notice Aurora had drifted off to sleep. Whatever. She was tired. He quickly texted me saying that we should keep talking, but text so we don’t wake her up. Okay.

After hundreds of texts, explaining both of our life stories, I find myself in his arms, held tight. We were kissing, and laughing, and smiling. I had never done something so “in the moment” and risky before. Aurora was sleeping right there. I liked him though, and didn’t want him to stop.

This went on for a while, until we were greeted by the ring of the family’s grandfather clock, indicating four in the morning. Goodnight. I got two hours of sleep that night, but had never felt better, even though I had never been more confused.

It had been the best night of my life, until regret took over. Not mine, though, his. He slept through breakfast, and lunch, so finally I awoke him with a good morning text. Right away he told me he couldn’t ever do that again. He kept saying how it wasn’t my fault and that it was “messing with his head”. I had never felt so used and hurt. I could never even say anything. I wanted to punch him in the face with all of my strength.

I kept trying to talk to him, but he became such a closed book. It hurt more that he didn’t trust me. He did, though, so what was his problem? I still don’t know.

“You have to let this go,” the text said the next night. I had never wanted to punch anyone more in my life. It was a night of firsts, a special night for me, and he wanted me to forget everything? It wasn’t going to happen.

To this day I am afraid I will let my impulses toward him control my actions if he were to change his mind, again. I know I can’t though. It would just continue the seemingly endless game of “Trust then Hurt”. I would give anything to kiss him again, to feel his touch, but also to punch him, to feel his jaw break under the bones of my fist. He broke me. I can’t be fixed. He ripped apart my friendship. Aurora will never know why I can’t bear to look at her anymore. How can he still feel nothing, not even see the hurt in my eyes? Just let it go. No.