“Just get up and eat”, “Just get out of bed”, are the phrases I kept telling myself for weeks. I didn’t want to go upstairs and face my mother and the rest of my family. I didn't want them to see me as I was. My eyes hung low, I lost a few pounds and started to look flimsy. I didn't have a smile on my face, my eyes didn't shine like the “brown eyed girl” I was known as. It hurt to say “good morning” when I woke up. It was a drag to have to speak to anyone. That's how it feels when the one person you talk to all day, is no longer there.

I laid in bed, I had a pink box of tissues that laid with me. My phone next to me, waiting for a call and I was sending irrational text messages. I really thought I needed someone, and that feeling of not being wanted back was killing me. Every second that passed, I felt knives in my back, and pain in my heart. I felt like I was drowning and there was no lifeguard around to save me.

“I love you, I love you” I copied and pasted every few minutes. The only communication I received back was a notification “read at 12:23 pm”.

My poor wicker basket trash can, was overflowing. Over flowing with tears, I swear If I rung out those tissues, I’d be able to swim. I stared at the trash can, and counted how many baskets I could make in a day. Maybe I could’ve been drafted into the NBA, with the amount of practice I had.

I wrote. I wrote about the smile I had on my face when I was with him, but how fake his was. I wrote about the smell of his sweatshirt that I fell asleep in every night. I wrote about the cute love letters, I put my heart and soul into. How my stomach filled with butterflies when I saw him. I wrote about all the amazing times, that I couldn't get out of my head. He was always in my head. I was rewatching the same movie every day and night.

I wrote a letter to the girl, he cheated on me with. I hope she is happy that she allowed him to do such a wrong thing. I wrote to her for my own sake. To gain closure. But also to thank her, for allowing me to see the true colors of a person I was blinded by. To show me that I am worth more than what I was feeling. To reassure her about the pain in my heart, and that her action is just as bad is his. I was broken, a lost soul.

I was confused.  A burning question kept me up at night, that I never found the answer to. How can you do all the wrong things to a person who made sure they always did the right things?

I made myself look desperate. I made myself look like a fool, trying for someone who messed me up.

When I received a message from a girl I had no idea existed and she spilled everything I needed to know. The times they slept together and the way he ran his fingers through her hair telling her she was perfect. And she had the nerve to tell me that SHE was the one hurting for what he did to her. What about me? His girlfriend of a year.
I was never the same person after the day I found out that the person I loved with every piece of me, lied and cheated on me; not only once, but three times.

I threw my phone and tears rushed down my face, my mom turned around and told me “everything will be okay”
I flipped out. She didn't know how I felt at all. How the hell would anything be okay? I can’t recover from all of this pain.

I realized I needed help from an outside source. I couldnt rely on tumblr posts to uplift me or my friends who didn't know how to help me any longer. I looked in the mirror and cried. I couldn't look back at that person I once was. She was no longer existed. My mom reached out to a counselor. Her name was Jessica. I called her “Jessica the ging” because she had red hair.

When I met up with this woman I was on edge. She seemed up tight and serious. She was very professional. I walked into her office, it was cold. I had goosebumps. I sat in a comfy chair across from her cherry wood desk. I didn't really want to open up about my issues. I felt like an idiot for feeling this way. I was still stuck in love. I was still stuck with the feeling, “if a car came towards me, I wouldn't run or scream, I'd stand there”.  The wisest words Jessica told me were “you're not stupid for feeling this way, everyday will get a little bit better”. I felt very disconnected to Jessica after the conversations we were having as I was going through tragic time. At the time I thought those words were ridiculous. Nothing was going to get better.

Two months passed, school ended. I started summer on my own. I woke up one morning and craved a strawberry smoothie. Home alone, I decided to lay out on my deck. I walked outside and the sun beamed, the fresh air cleansed my mind.  and I thought about the beauty of nature. I sat on my pool deck, smelling like banana boat sun tan lotion, and listened to Coldplay.

The sun left a light in me, turning a switch in me. Tears were running down my face, and all I could think about were the dark moments in my room, and The coldness my body felt for two months. I wondered about all the sun I missed. All the smiles and laughs I didn't have. The friends I dropped because of my negative thoughts towards being cheated on, lied to, manipulated, and losing myself in the process.

I heard a voice behind me. It was my mom. She asked me how I was doing. And for once, as unclear as it sounded I could say “I'm feeling okay”.

The summer of 2014 was difficult for me. But as time passed, my life was changing. The day was going to go on, whether or not I did. Deciding I couldn't feel this way anymore,I started working again. I started to laugh again. I gained my friends back and the sun shone through me.