I started crying. At first it was just one tear, then there were two, and then a full stream of tears was running down my face. Before I knew it the tears were flowing like a waterfall. They wouldn’t stop. These weren't ordinary tears though. I wasn't hurt, sad, or hungry. In fact at that particular moment I was actually happy, I was beyond happy. So why was I crying?  And then after two days, a mere 48 hours, my happiness turned to sadness and anger.   I was confused. I didn’t understand. Why had I just been so happy and felt such joy about the arrival of my new baby brother and then only a couple of days later I was feeling like a storm cloud had come over me? Where had my happiness gone? Why did I suddenly want this precious little baby to go away? Why did I not like him? It was a sea of emotions. I remember these feelings and my reaction like it was yesterday.

It was an ordinary day but something was a little different. Dad did my hair like he usually did since mom always left early for work. On this particular day however, Mom was still home and waddling around with her big stomach as I got ready for school. She made me breakfast and even came along with dad to drop me at school. I was 5 and in Kindergarten and while my dad always drove me to school, that day they walked me into school. I saw him talking to my teacher and heard him tell my teacher that my aunt would be picking me up. Mom and dad kissed me goodbye and Mom whispered to me and told me that at the end of the day there would be a great big surprise. I was so excited for the day to end because I couldn’t wait for my surprise.

My aunt picked me up from school on that special day and said we are off to the hospital to see Mommy. I was confused though, why were we going to the hospital? I knew my mom wasn’t sick. After entering the hospital we walked down the long hallway, took a turn, and then at the end of the next hallway we stopped at a door with blue balloons. As I opened the door, all I could see was a little blue blanket in my Grampy’s arms. All I could hear was a little baby crying. And then I understood what was going on…my little brother had been born. Mom and dad had named him Sean Matthew. I was filled with compassion and love but I didn’t know what to say or do so I just started crying. My mom kept asking me if I wanted to hold him. “Yes!” I mumbled under my tears. I sat in the chair besides my Grampy sobbing. The tears were unstoppable. I couldn't believe this little person that I had been waiting for now for almost a year had finally arrived. I had wanted him to come into my world more than I wanted candy at the candy shop, and today was the day. I couldn’t believe my new full time friend was actually here. I was getting my own brother, my own doll to play with. I knew these tears were tears of joy and happiness. 

Then, in just a matter of days after my little brother had been born he was home from the hospital, and all the joy and happiness I was feeling seemed to change. My dad had explained to me the many changes that would happen in the house once my brother and mom came home. I wasn't excited anymore about my new brother. I wasn't happy that he was my new friend and playmate. I didn’t actually want him in the house. I was jealous, and yes, I showed it. I was a brat. I had temper tantrums when I was supposed to go to bed or get ready for school which made it hard for my parents. When my mom would lay my little brother on the floor, I would lie down next to him, wait for my mother to leave the room and then poke him. I pushed him away. I didn’t want him in the same room with me. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I didn’t want him to be home in my house. I didn’t want to share him with my mom and dad, my grandparents, or anyone. I knew I was supposed to love him and I did; I loved him when I was at the hospital. I cried because I was happy, but now I wasn’t happy. I told mommy and daddy that I didn’t want him and that they could send him back. I hated when he cried. It made me mad and annoyed me. I wanted him to talk to me and play with me and be my baby doll but he wouldn’t do what I wanted. I was confused. Why did I feel this way?

As the days went on I started to get used to this new member of our family. He didn't cry as often and he started to make funny noises. He smiled at me and he would even stop crying when he saw me. I started to have fun with him and I could play with him. As he started talking, the first word was a form of my name. Then he started to crawl, and walk, and he followed me all over the place. He would mimic me and make me laugh. I would make silly faces at him and make him laugh. It took me a while, but I had finally accepted my brother into my life and learned to love. My brother makes me so proud to be his sister and I feel happiness whenever I am with him. As I have matured and grown a little older, I have learned that love is eternal. It is forever.

Looking back now, I see that what I was going through was somewhat normal for a little kid when a new sibling enters their world. But it was such an emotional tug of war. I had wanted a baby sister or brother and was so happy when I met my little brother in the hospital but then I didn’t want him. I didn’t like him. The days following his arrival had been a realization and reality that my brother was something completely new in my life. I didn’t understand what it meant to have a new brother. I was figuring out who this new person in my life was. I was figuring out how to be a big sister and how to love him and share my parents who I had had all to myself for the past five years. It was a new concept! The love I had for him, the joy I felt, the excitement, and the resentment is what made this event so surreal. Becoming a big sister was a big step but it was worth it because I love my brother more than words can say and I wouldn’t want it any other way. We have a special bond that we have built since that day he was born. I’ve learned that those initial tears that I had at the moment I met my little brother were real and something that no one can ever take away. Becoming a big sister has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. My brother is the greatest gift that anyone could have ever given me.