Growing up, I never thought about gender and sexuality as much. I knew that sometimes a guy can like guys more than he can like girls, and I mean hey, what’s wrong with that? As years went on, I found that it was the same with girls. Living in a family of people who talk about gays like it’s a singular quality of that person, somehow set me on the path that I am a straight female. I wasn’t one of them. I was a perfectly normal kid who would be talked about by her family in full; smart, witty, creative, a great person. I wouldn’t be packed up in a box and labeled “Gay”.

Now, in my teen years, I have discovered the whole entirety of genders and sexuality. Neither are a two-sided dice. There is a whole spectrum of genders and sexuality waiting to be explored. Yes, there are the sexual parts given to you by your DNA, but those do not explain your gender. Gender is something you identify as, much like sexuality.

A couple years ago, I fell in love with a girl. Well, not a girl. They had come out recently in the past year as Agender, expressing that they didn’t want to be described as a boy or a girl. They just wanted to simply be. But before they came out, I had come to the conclusion that, well, I was gay. The thing was, being attracted to only girls didn’t seem right for me. I still found guys equally as attractive, and frankly, even if I didn’t know that person’s gender, I knew I could still find them attractive.

So, what was it? Was I bisexual, and attracted to both genders? Was I pansexual, and attracted to any and all genders? I was obsessed with finding a name for it. For myself. I was obsessed with the idea of trapping myself in a box and labeling it. I didn’t know if I just wanted to be different, or if I knew I was different and just haven’t found the right folder to file myself in. After practically a year of trying to figure myself out, I decided on Pansexual.

After my “partner” had come out as Agender, I felt myself go into panic. I knew right off the bat that I still loved them. There’s nothing that could stop me from loving them, whether it be gender or not. My problem was, I had this new stone set in my mind, and suddenly Pansexual didn’t feel like the right word anymore.
Of course, there is no way that their coming out as Agender could prove my Pansexuality false. Pansexuality meant any and all genders, whether specific or not. But gender isn’t what makes me love them. I love them for their mind, and their eyes. I love their smile, their personality, and the countless freckles covering their pale skin. I couldn’t care less whether they were a boy or a girl or nothing at all.

I finally came across the realization of what I was doing to myself. I was trapping myself, just as my family speaks of and does for gays. Just as the things I had heard from them growing up, I was labeling myself with one word, as if that one thing describes everything about me. The thing is, I don’t need one thing to describe me. I am complex and intricate, and different than anyone else, and I should let myself present that to the world, not just my sexuality.

In this new modern world, everyone is trying to label themselves, whether it be girl or boy, gay or straight, Agender or Pansexual. Everyone is diluting themselves down to one thing, to present to the whole world. The gender spectrum, and the sexuality spectrum, are just tiny parts of the human spectrum. The human spectrum is large and vast, practically endless, and I, a small specific hue, am proud to be different. I will not display my sexuality, because there is no sexuality to define me, and I am fine with that.