Every year me my dad and some of our family would go to this campground every year, it had a pool and I always had a lot of fun whenever we went. This time it was different though. I was meeting my dad’s new girlfriend Connie. I wasn’t really excited about this happening but it was whatever.

Along with meeting her, I was going to meet her kids, too. She had three, by the names of the oldest, Jake, the middle child Abbi, and the youngest Zach.

So, once we arrived at the cabin we had gotten, Connie, her kids, and everyone was all already out doing stuff.  We unpacked, and quickly went to meet Connie. Me anyways, of course my dad already knows her, that’s obvious.

I said a shyly “Hi.. how are you guys doing?”. Not much else.

“Good! So… guess you’re gonna be our new step brother huh?” They pretty much all said that together, if not with words than the looks on their faces.

I didn’t even understand what that meant at the time so I just laughed a little.

It was a common interaction between strangers.

Once her kids were all together, I met them too. Zach seemed cool, Abbi was alright, and Jake was just cool too. I was really just meeting strangers so it wasn’t like I had made huge opinions on them, they seemed nice enough.

Yes, it was awkward, but when is meeting your dad’s girlfriend’s kids not awkward.

Go forward a couple months later and they all moved into my dad’s house. Me, Zach and Jake shared one big room where me and Zach had a bunk bed with a desk underneath on each opposite end and Jake had a futon between the two bunk beds in the middle of the room, and Abbi had a room to herself further back in the house.
We were all associated and happy with each other not long after they moved in. Me and Zach created a good brother like relationship, obviously not strict brother love but we liked each other and were at the least friends.
So now I was seeing people every day instead of just my dad. There was always someone home and it took a bit of getting used to but honestly, it was really cool having people in the house.

Looking back at it now, I realized I really miss having everyone at home, I remembered laughing at whatever Zach was doing and messing around with him and having fun. Now I was alone.

Me and Jake didn’t talk a whole lot, because I was a little kid and he was a teenager now. But, he was always funny and I just always saw him as so cool. He didn’t act like everyone else. He was himself, and it made him unique.

In the first six months or so, I didn’t really feel accepted by them. It’s understandable now because it’s just some little kid and you’re all older so I get it. But never the less, I felt unaccepted and this made me sad.

I don’t know why I didn’t talk more and make more jokes to make myself liked but I was just a nervous kid, looking back I really should’ve talked more and put myself out there more often. I think talking more could’ve created much better relationships for me.

But I didn’t feel like I was one of their group, I always felt like that. At that time this didn’t have much of an effect on me but I definitely recognized it.

Now, this is much more apparent. I’m really starting to realize how much the situation I was placed in at that time showed me that I don’t need to be accepted into other people's groups because it doesn’t matter. I apply this heavily to my life now and it all came from having stepsiblings when I was little.

As I grew up, I began looking up to Jake. At the time I didn’t realize it, but I do now. I always saw him as having lots of friends, nobody really disliked him and he was always himself. I wanted to be like that.

Once I was about eleven, Jake had moved out, he was 20 now. I didn’t think about him much, mainly due to the fact that when I was younger I was just stupid and didn't process things like I do now, but at times I did think about him.

When we all went on vacations I would see him again and talking to him was always the same to me.
What happened about a three years after Jake had moved out is, I started to be myself. I stopped acting. Stopped being an idiot like 95% of what high school is now. This was because of Jake. I wanted to be happy and be myself, and this all sprouted from what he showed me.

When I was younger I always thought that being like someone else was cool, but after Jake showed me that being happy and being yourself is what’s most important, it stuck to me like nothing else has and I no longer was a follower. My whole life revolves around being myself and not being like everyone else, and that’s all thanks to Jake.

I never realized that until just recently. As I kept getting older, I started seeing him less and less, but still every once and awhile.

November 15th, 2015.
It was a pretty cold morning. We must’ve had the day off of school because I was still in bed when the sun was coming up. It was around 9am. I just woke up, but not by myself. I heard something loud, screaming.
I woke up confused, not sure how to react.

It was Connie. My Dad woke up and went to her, I heard some mumbling and more crying, my Dad started doing the same slowly after. I just layed in bed.

Connie started yelling for Jake, and after her doing that I had a basic idea of what was happening. I think I did the right thing by not interrupting her.

After about an hour or two, my Dad told me what had happened.

Jake had died.

Honestly, I didn’t have much of a reaction. Whether I was being selfish or just blanking out an actual death, I just didn’t have much thought into further than, I’m sorry.

The entire house collapsed in depression and guilt for not doing something to help. We were all crushed under the thought of never seeing him again.

This day was lost to sadness.

Jake died from a heroin overdose, which had been a problem for about two years now, he was getting better but finally went back to it, and that's where it ended. I didn’t really have a reaction to this. It was an extremely quiet and dark day.

At first, I honestly wasn’t emotional at all after my Dad telling me but after about half of a year, it finally hit me and was very difficult. I was just, I was stunned. I couldn’t live with myself how stupid I was. How I would look him in the eye and not say a thing.

I realized all that he showed me in my life and how little I acknowledged him as being important. This really got me upset and I just really understood how little I showed him how much he had done for me.

I felt belittled. I felt like a rooted tree, not being able to reach out and show how I care. I was too late, and I was just now understanding that, half a year later.

I don’t dwell on really anything. Many depressing things have happened to me and impacted my life but I haven’t stuck onto that, I was never weak. This, though. This is still with me. It is always underlying in my life and I always regret it.

The following week of his death many people came to our house and showed their respects. The ones that stayed every day up until the funeral were Abbi, Jake’s girlfriend Lindsay, and Jake’s grandma.

As I would sit in my room playing video games not thinking about the current event, people would come and leave the house, giving food or whatever they had. Connie and the ones that stayed over, stayed up late telling stories about Jake, laughing, but crying on the inside.

About a week after Jake had gone, we had the funeral. There was long speeches and a video of him at the end of the funeral.

I continued to dull what happened until not very long ago. I wish it didn’t take me this long to understand.
This is just some eleventh grade memoir, but seriously. When someone else matters to you, try your hardest to make sure they know how important they are to you. Because who knows, maybe it could save their life, and it could mean more of them hearing it, than you feeling it. I miss Jake, and I regret not telling him how he made me the young man I am today.

I forever thank you.