“They're in a better place now,”. “Later on in life, you'll see them,”. “They'll always be in your heart,”. Phrases I've heard in my life way too often. It's never something you can get over. Losing so many people that made a big impact on your life in an instant. Seeing someone one day, then losing them just a few hours later.

The trench coat that the officers wore that night, and my grandmother screaming and crying are always a memory in my head. Me, praying that he was alright or that they had the wrong person. No food or sleep for almost a month, just the music that he recorded with his friends.

Christmas came and it was the most depressing holiday I had to go through. Not wanting to get out of my bed unless my presents were the two souls that left me empty and careless. The souls that taught me to have thoughts on what other people think, but to also to not care about what others have to say. Showed me that age doesn't matter, to chase your dreams no matter where you are in life. Think ahead and never look back at the past mistakes, only at the victories. Prepare for the worst, the most ironic lesson I could have received. How do you prepare to lose somebody that has been a part of your life since birth? How do you go through life and realize you can never hear their voice again?

I only got to see her in her worst state once. It was too hard to see her like that. Only because it wasn’t her. That wasn’t my judgmental, sarcastic grandmother that everyone had to learn to love. It wasn’t her at all. The crazy women that I grew up knowing wasn’t there anymore. It’s almost like she disappeared, disappeared in the pain that she was going through silently. Like the life that she had and the stories that she could tell were erased. Somehow.

Nobody would ever be the same after a time like that. I’m not, cant even look at their smiling faces in old photos anymore. I can’t smile or laugh the same. It’s just not the same anymore.