Ever since we are born our family surrounds us with love and encouragement. From our first breath, they are by our sides.Through our childhood, they are there for everything and will do anything for you. Once we become old enough to leave our homes, our friends become our family. But our true family never actually leave our sides.
You never imagine losing someone so close to you. When you have grown up with someone since the day you are born, you can’t imagine living without them. And when they finally pass on, your entire world changes tremendously. Everything in your life has then changed in that moment you’ve learned they have passed away. Your heart drops to your stomach and all you can do is cry. For the next weeks and even months you can’t do or think anything, you have random spells where you cry from nothing.  But nothing is really everything. It’s losing a person that had an impact on you and changed your life.

People tell you time heals all wounds but time actually never heals anything. The pain just dulls and there’s still that sharp pain but it all becomes a little more bearable.  Once you have lost someone close to you a piece of you leaves with them. You will never actually be the same person you were when they are still around.  All you do is think of them, and think of all the chances you could have seen them. You think about how ungrateful you were and how much you took them for granted. You start to wish you could go back and see them or change something you said, but you can’t. The reality of it all is they are gone and you have to cope with the pain on your own.

Once the special holidays come you start to go back to that day you lost them. You remember every little thing, even what you were wearing, what the hospital smelled like and how it felt outside. You remember your mom coming in a 2:30 am saying, “this is the end, if you want to see him again we have to go now,”. You remember your sisters and you sitting in the back of the truck silent, not knowing what was going to happen next or how everything would turn out. You remember hearing sniffs and seeing tears trying not to think of what was going on. You remember every little thing that happened and all of the thoughts that raced through your head on that day.

Usually, the holidays are awful but the absolute worst is the anniversary of their death. That day haunts you or at least it haunts me. That day will never be a day of happiness to me or my family. The date has been cursed or what seems like it has.  On that day we lost our role model, comedian, and best friend. And there is nothing that could happen on that date, that can possibly change my feelings about that date. 

What haunts me more in knowing he will never get the chance to see me walk down the aisle, never get to see me graduate, or get to see my senior night. The worst feeling is looking into the bleachers and not seeing the one face that always talked about those moments with you. They always talked about soccer with you and how important it was for you but they never got the chance to experience that moment with you. They never got to see your first high school game or you drive for the first time. They had to miss so many important events in your life, and you would give up anything and everything to sure one of those moments with them.

Once you lose a family member close to you,  your world is flipped. It's like learning to walk, you have to start by crawling then slowly work your way back up to taking full steps.  When you lose someone you have to start by crawling, you have to learn how to live your life without an important part in it. That important part being the person that had influenced your life the most.