Talking about this pains me so much. It makes my skin crawl, it makes my eyes drown with tears and it just completely exhausts my mind. Not only because of how it has affected me but how it has affected others around me. This memoir is going to be extremely personal and i don't ask for an ounce of your sympathy, i just want to tell my story for you and hopefully so i can let go of some of this agonizing pain that is within me. From growing up and finding the style of clothes i truly enjoyed to letting go of friends that weren’t sincerely there for me.


My eighth grade self was a complete mess on the inside. Now, on the outside everyone thought i had it together, that i was on a good path and the truth was i was on no path; and actually i was more like in the middle of nowhere completely lost. i realized at this point in my life i had done nothing but be a cliche that society told me to be. I tried to just please everyone and i didn't realize until i got older that all I was doing was pleasing every person in my life except myself. The way i dressed, the people i hung out with, the church i went to, the places i hung out. It was all for others and i was completely blind to what i wanted. Now, once i realized that i was not myself and all i was doing was pleasing the ones around me, i asked myself, if i stopped falling into the trap of what society told me i “should” be, what kind of person would i be today? Would i be happier? Would the people around me treat me different? This was a seed that began to grow in me from then on. But from there, i ignored it and started to forget what i was so curious about and i just brushed off everything going and i “accepted my circumstances” at the time believing that it was just the way my life played out. As if i was meant to be the way i was and nothing was going to change. Little did i know all i had to do was want change, make that change, and i could be a thousand times happier than i was at the time. But nope, i was way too naive of my possibilities. But this also wasn't something i could just brush off and expect to go away, no. I was on the way for big change in my life, it just wasn't going to happen until i made that change.


As eighth grade came to a close end, i was realizing my “friends” and i didn't have common interest. i liked shopping at thrift stores while all my “friends: were shopping at sporting goods places, i would listen to alternative rock while they were stuck on pop. This didn't seem like a big issue at first until it got to the point where we just didn't even talk when were around each other because we we wanted to talk about different things. I felt like i was wrong for being different and i felt all alone. This is where my anxiety began. I was so afraid of hurting any of my friends but i just needed to change. i gave almost all my friends much needed space from me and i tried to figure out. As time went on i met Josh Coleman who was completely different than any other friend i had before. He was a lot less judgmental, we had common interest and things started feeling good and i was happy. Then one day, after a lot of space from my old friends, i witnessed one of my old “friends” Nathan making fun of Josh. Calling him names and making fun of his weight. This truly was one of my worst days. I watched who i thought was a good person completely humiliate one of the nicest guys i had ever met. i walked up to Nathan and said to him “leave my friend alone”. Nathan was in complete shock, and with a huge mug on his face he turns to me and says “Josh quit hanging with losers or you'll become one”. I stood there in complete shock. I'm not a very confrontation person so when this happened i didn't know what to do or say. This taught me to be careful who i trusted because all Nathan did was lie to me about the kind of guy he was and he definitely wasn't the kind of friend i wanted around. From that point on i began to allow anyone who was nice to me and treated others good to be my friend and i wasn't going to shun anyone just because they weren't societies definition of “cool”.


As i was on my way to happiness my journey was far from over. As time went on i let so many new friends in and it was great until Nathan found out. Everywhere i looked it seemed like it was Nathan and his friends mission to make sure my friends and i were unhappy. He was nothing but a bully that i never should've let get to me but his constant cyber attacks and bullying got the best of me. My anxiety deepened and my depression got worse as time went on. I was becoming weaker and weaker each day and simple task like making my bed or deciding what to eat seemed impossible. Time went on and all my friends began leaving me. I was so upset because i surrounded myself with such genuine people but due to my mental state i was not capable of keeping all these friends any longer; but just when i thought i was going to to be alone and have no matter, Josh continued to check in on me and would even randomly say come hang out with me when he knew i was home even though i would ignore his text messages. See i could've done anything, said anything and Josh would still be there because he was genuinely a true friend and he cared about me. He is one of the biggest reasons for me digging myself out of depression, and for that i am forever grateful. Depression is sickening and can put you in a really gloomy dark place but its never impossible to get yourself out.


Growing up i continue to learn so much as time goes on and life continues. The little things are sometimes what teaches you the most and i will say eighth grade taught me not to necessarily believe a person is the person they come off to be and that I'm going to face difficulty but to be happy i have to keep my head up when the road gets bumpy. Josh showed me what a genuine friend looked like and how i should treat others. My old “friends” like Nathan taught me exactly the opposite way to treat people and honestly I'm happy i met Nathan because he is just another lesson learned. Life is full of surprises and it truly is an up and down rollercoaster of events, but life goes on and it does get better; sometimes you just need a friend like Josh to show you that.