May 4th is a day that is tattooed in my brain. I remember sitting in biology class scrolling through my Instagram feed because I had nothing else to do that day. I stumbled across a picture that included my church leader who was currently in the hospital from cancer. Curious, I read the caption, “Our hearts have been so heavy leaving and our fears came true today as Emily went home to the good Lord this morning,” it read. My mind started to race as I began to process what I read. I went back and re-read the small paragraph again to see if somehow I was mistaken, but my eyes failed me as I realized my conclusion was right. Immediately I went to text in a group message that consisted of everyone from our small group to see if they have heard the news, still in disbelief. Any trace of earlier happiness has been erased and instead had been replaced by confusion and sorrow. My thoughts suddenly flood inside my head drowning out all of the outside sound. I sit in the back of the classroom in lurid that someone who I saw not even three weeks prior, someone that I loved just died. How could this be? Every time Emily has had cancer she’s overcome it and everything went back to normal and good. Why is it different this time? The rest of biology was a blur; the last thing I remember is hearing the bell ring and rushing into the hallway to see Kenna, a good friend of mine who is in our church group. I grasp on to her when I saw her and tears filled both of our eyes as the thought of Emily being gone sinks into us. We walk to Spanish in silence. Multiple people continued to ask me throughout Spanish what was wrong and if I was okay, but I couldn’t explain without having a breakdown in the middle of class. I decided to text my dad the news and asked him to come get me because I could not handle it anymore. We spent most of the car ride in silence, the expression that laid on my face talked for me. When we got home I walked up stairs to my room and turned up my music to try and mute my thoughts that were screaming desperately for me listen, but I refused. I spent the rest of that night serenading myself in sad tunes while tears stained my face, questioning the fact why her? Emily was just starting her family; she was too young, too sweet. I thought back to her two kids that she adopted because cancer wouldn’t allow her to become pregnant, but she loved them as if they came from her own body, I thought about her husband who now must learn to play both roles, mom and dad. How will he explain this for their kids to understand? No child should go through the kind of pain of losing their mother. “Cancer chose the wrong person!” I yelled. The rest of the week was horrendous; it felt as if the bad events kept racking up. I focused on the bad and found myself mostly depressed and infuriated. I had so many unanswered questions, I didn’t understand and sometimes I still don’t.

It was the first Wednesday that our group has met up since the tragedy and everyone stood mostly silent. We all walked into the auditorium where worship is held and during the middle of one of the songs I saw Cassie, our other leader and Emily’s best friend walk in with red, teary eyes and that was the moment I lost all self-control. She pulled me in for a hug and we shared a moment of unity as both grieve for our sweet friend. After service our group was pulled into a room where a couple people gathered to try and comfort us, answer questions, pray, but what we really needed was time. I left that night drained from all the emotions that spilled out of me and it left unable to feel anything else until the morning.

A month later Emily’s family held her funeral and it was not until then when my heart actually felt peace for the first time. Our pastor spoke and during her service and he was talking about how many lives Emily had impacted and at the end gave time for invitation for people to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. I looked around the room and saw over one hundred people raise their hands to begin a new life with God. My eyes grew foggy as I realized that everyone on earth has a purpose, and Emily had fulfilled hers. Emily led by example and had always told us to love and trust God with our whole heart. She always made my day that much better whenever she walked through the room, with her bright smile and positive attitude, never was there a hint of negativity found on her even after getting not so great news, she gave me hope. I found myself mad at God for a while from taking her away from me, but I found that she is now in a better place not suffering. He gave her a place in heaven, something that no one else could gift her.

My heart continues to throbs time to time, longing for Emily to help me and give me advice for hard situations, but I lay restful with myself and God as I choose to trust and follow his plan, although it carries hardships sometimes. I walk down the halls now taking life as a gift and not for granite. I try to represent Emily and her family in the best way I can every day, sharing the good news, inspiring others, and being grateful for everything.