Dear Me,

I carry a secret. It's massive, mean, and ruthless. It is the most destructive thing in my life. It collects more and more power every second. It has the ability to destroy the things I love most. My secret pushes me down the more I try to hold it in. I am still able to keep it in my grasp even though it has an insatiable need to get out. I can feel it engulfing me and taking pieces of me away, but I still hold onto it. My secret is the evilest thing in my life, but I still care for it. I give it what it wants to survive. I do this because my secret is also beautiful. It tastes like a new freedom, it smells like a breezy summer day. You might think that you know what my secret is, but I can tell you right now that you don’t. My secret is deceitful, and I know all its intelligent moves, but it still has the power to control me. My secret has all the power and I am the one who supplies it.

My secret consists of a series of events. One thought process led to an action that led to a sequence of actions after that. It was like throwing a pebble into a lake. You start with an exciting splash and then it ripples. The ripples get bigger and bigger until they disappear. My secret has grown more and more. But, as I said before, it all starts with an incident. An incident that is riveting and more powerful than it looks. To help you make sense of how my secret affects my life, I will start with the event that has caused so many of my own ripples.

I amble down the concrete sidewalk. My feet stumble over the cracks and holes in the beaten up path. I check my phone every few seconds. I feel the sweat from my hands soak onto my phone case. I try to wipe them off on my shirt, but there's no use. I keep my head down to try to avoid getting any extra attention. I look at each blade of grass zip by as I pass it. I am almost in a trance at this point. The breeze feels smooth and refreshing, but it still doesn’t cure me of my nervousness. The street is empty, and as I look around it seems lonely. The trees are starting to bloom with all their new, vibrant colors. The light making the plants shimmer. My hair glistens in the beaming sun. The pieces of hair are all perfectly combed and held together with gel. I bite my lip and can taste the minty freshness in my mouth. My lips are soft and smooth from all the Carmex I put on. My brown eyes dart from place to place looking for anything to distract me. My face is trying to hide my uneasiness with a slight smile. I walk slowly towards my destination. My feet glide in almost a perfect tempo. I can feel my toes start to curl up and press against my black tennis shoes. My hands are shaking ever so slightly. The sweat on my hands gets worse, and I start to get self-conscious about them. My heart thumps, and I can feel it pulse all over my body. The excitement and nervousness make a deep pit in my stomach that makes me feel nauseous. I make it to my destination, and my bony knuckles begin to knock.

Sorry to tell you, but this place has to be kept confidential. I can only describe the way I feel going into it. I still feel nervous, but it starts to turn into a thrilling feeling. My surroundings start to cure my anxiousness. My heart thumps with adrenaline, and I am lost in a moment. Everything feels surreal. I am truly happy here, and I don’t think about any consequences that could arise. I can remember every move that was made here, and every word that was said. The moment ends in a flash, and then I am nervous for all new reasons.  

I walk away from the place where I was just so happy. I am not anxious anymore, just scared. I am scared of people finding out, I am scared of the consequences. My secret toys with me. I am just a doll in its eyes. I am a puppet on its commanding strings. It gives me so much joy, and then it just rips it away. It makes a once happy memory into a thought that gives me chills. The breeze is still warm, but I shiver as it brushes against my pale skin. My feet drag back to where they had come from. My eyes have lost their hope, and the glimmer is gone.

I blame you. You started this mess. You put yourself into the same situation multiple times, knowing how it would end up. You have dampened your life, and it will be a while before you will ever be truly happy again. You wish you could push your secret away, but it doesn’t work like that. It's attached to you forever. It’s all your fault and you know it. You’ve hurt yourself more than anyone else has. You’ve hurt me.