“Come see.”

With those two words and the firm grip on my shoulder, my surroundings went fuzzy and my mind flashed through every moment in the past year that had led up to that one.

A year before that dreadful day in the cafeteria was when we met for the first time. I quickly fell for you, despite my friends warning me not to jump the cliff. Your kind eyes and soft smile made me feel comforted in a scary new school where seniors were sharks and I was shark bait. All of a sudden you were my whole world, and I would do anything for you. That was my first mistake.

My second mistake came a few months in. I had asked my friend for a ride home from school and you became infuriated.

“I just don’t like how you’re so close to him.”

I mistook your jealousy for love. I didn’t know what love was back then.

Over the next few months your “love” grew stronger and stronger. You controlled who I spoke with, where I went, and what I wore.

“Why do you let him treat you like that?” My friends would ask.

“ I don’t know. I guess it means he cares.”

You placed blinders on my eyes; I could only see you. You controlled every aspect of my life; I had no idea how to live on my own. You made me think you were all I had, like you were the only one who cared enough to take care of me. Everyone around me who actually loved me was screaming to get out of there as fast as I could.

But you covered my ears when you kissed me, so I couldn’t hear them.

Our conversations shifted, and

“Goodnight, I love you,” became

“I bet you’re out with another guy,”

“Show me your texts,”

“ I wish you loved me enough to try and make me happy.”

Your trust in me was nonexistent, even though I had never given you reason not to trust me. In fact, all the while I was breaking inside, you had found some not-so-broken people to talk to. I guess it was nice to not have to fix them. Or maybe you just forgot that you’re supposed to end one relationship before starting another.

But I knew I did something wrong to have driven you to the arms of another girl, right? So all those times I caught you in your lies, I apologized for not being enough. I felt like I owed you something. My job as your girlfriend was to keep you happy, but I was failing. So I tried my hardest and did whatever you wanted. I would do anything to please you, even things I didn’t feel comfortable doing. Every time you got those few moments of pleasure, a small piece of me chipped away. Soon enough there was nothing left. But hey, it was okay. At least you were happy for the rest of the day.

I would find myself doing things like watching a scary movie or trying to make myself sick for the sole purpose of seeing if I was still capable of feeling anything.

I felt your grip on my shoulder tighten and I snapped back to my unfortunate reality. For a moment I was confused as to why you were standing next to me and my friends in the cafeteria, but then I remembered our brief interaction that morning.

It was almost a game. When we broke up you wouldn’t talk to me, I would worry and cry and feel dread over not getting back together. Once I was confident enough being alone, you would drag me back into the relationship again with your sweet words and hollow promises. You had broken up with me a few days before, and today was the day you decided to end the game.

You had approached me between classes. When I saw you my heart sank. I never knew what to feel during those days of limbo. I was praying everyday that you would take me back, but at the same time nothing seemed worse.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” That was my futile attempt at showing you I was over you.

“I’m gonna be in the library at lunch,” I knew what you wanted with those words.

“Okay.” I walked to class flustered over our interaction.

Later that day at lunch I was sitting in the cafeteria with my friends, all boys. I remember thinking that I never could have enjoyed their company while we were together. I remember thinking that maybe losing you wasn’t all bad. Then I remember the feeling in my stomach as I felt your hand on my shoulder and heard your voice curl its way in to my ear.

“Come see”

I looked up at you and nodded. I grabbed my stuff and walked to where you wanted us to sit. To most, this would have seemed like a ray of hope to a girl pining after her ex- boyfriend. To me, this was you jerking the collar you had permanently tied around my neck; you didn’t appreciate the people I was sitting with, after all, I was always after all those boys, right? I threw away my food. I had lost my appetite.

I don’t really remember what happened the rest of the day. I kind of just floated. All I remember from that night was the messages from my friends that had been sitting with me at the lunch table that day.

Eric: Can I ask you something?

Me: Sure :)

My stomach dropped at the anticipation of what on Earth he could want to know, yet I still put a smiley face at the end.

Eric: Has he ever hit you?

Me: No of course not!

Eric: You act terrified of him.

Me: He just loves me a lot. That’s why he’s so protective.

Eric: He’s not good for you and you know it.

With that text, I turned off my phone and walked over to my writing desk. With all the turmoil of that day, I needed to write some poetry to calm me down. It always seemed to do the trick. I was trying my hardest to write something happy, but nothing but misery poured out onto the pages. Even though I had spent months convincing myself and everyone around me that I was fine, I couldn’t lie anymore. I got up and took a cold shower to try and wash off the last year and half of my life.

That night, I laid awake in bed, my mind racing with way too many thoughts. I shut my eyes and said a prayer.

“Dear God, Thank you for the people you have given me. Thank you for Celeste, JohnThomas, Aubrie, Eric, Colin, Ms. Retana, and Mom. Thank you for putting those people in my life, they’ve saved me. Thank you for giving me people who love me enough to recognize when I’m in trouble and will do anything to help, even if I get mad at them about it. I know I haven’t been listening to you that much lately, and I’ve been asking you for all the wrong things. I have one last thing to ask, and I promise it’s good this time. Please help all the girls out there who haven’t yet realized what I have. Please help the girls who are too afraid to say anything. Please help the girls who aren’t even aware of it yet like I was.

Please help all those girls, before it’s too late.”