¨I will always love you as my best friend, please never forget that ̈. That is the message I woke up to on October 20th, 2016. This broke my heart to read and I felt this sense of depression and loneliness in my chest. I called his phone over and over and over and he never answered. I sat up in my room silently crying covering my mouth so I don't wake up anyone. My best friend was gone. I stayed in my room for days and did not want to leave. I kept picking up my phone to text him and keep remembering he's gone. I have to keep telling myself he's gone. 

He was there for me for years and now it's just memories. To this day I still pick up my phone to text him and remember I can't. I spent so many nights by myself crying, sobbing, filled with regret. I am full of regret for not helping for not being there. He was the closest thing I had to a brother since my brother would constantly call me names, tear me down, and hurt me. He is luckily not around me anymore, but that is a different story for another time. There are some days where I just sit there and I just cried. I had to hide my best friend for years and still have this day. My parents don't like online friendships and he was online, but we would facetime every night. Since then I just distanced myself from everyone. I had to see a therapist for a year or more. I still feel that empty spot in my chest to this day. I finally got over the feeling of emptiness and have made many amazing friends, but no one could ever replace him. 

A month or so later I get a message from him or someone who had his account. It read ̈Im sorry but (his name here) took his life ̈. I knew this was coming but I did not know how heavy my heart would be for my feelings to be confirmed. I just broke to that message. I just broke and became what people say a ̈̈hot mess ̈. I stayed to myself more and cried every day. If you looked at me on the outside in you would never have guessed I was so upset. No one knew for years no one really knows how upset someone truly is until it's too late which hurts but it is true. 

I miss him every day and can't forget the memories of constant late-night calls, someone to rant to, someone to talk to, and the memories with my best friend. I will never forget the caring, smart, and funny boy that I use to talk to. But I know he is best where he is where he's getting no hate, no bullying, and he's just himself. I will forever remember him and miss him. So I love you best friend and wish I could tell you how much I miss you and how much I love you.