My green light

I stand on the pier, a foot away from the dark veil of freezing water. The ocean. So close to me, oppressive and attractive. My dignified posture shifts to look beyond the horizon, and my eyes fall on it, right there, at arm length: the lighthouse, wearing a green halo of a coat. An instinct, my memory speaks instantly. I have found my green light. Mr. Gatsby, I have found my green light.

Before, under the influence of the made-up stories and exaggerations of the world, I believed that somewhere, near me, there was this grown-up figure, who had had the same chances as me, and accomplished their life just like I aspire to do, all in accordance to my values. This person would see through me, and I would look up to them like I look at the night sky, because they were the adult I wanted to grow up into. Their influence would make me flourish, and I would keep growing into the best version of myself.

Like Gatsby reached out for Daisy, I was reaching out for this person, but I realised my hand was clutching thin air as soon as I saw the green light. I can’t try to be like someone else, I thought, I have to grow into my own individual, I have to make my own identity. It would be too easy if you just had to follow the advice of a predecessor like you follow a teacher’s instructions to pass a test. Life is not a test. As time goes, I will keep learning and defining my values, my interests, my preferences, and this is unique. I feel I have a rather distinct idea of what is success, what is my drive in life, what I want to do, where I want to go, whom I appreciate or dislike, and how to get through things. With these ideas, I must not waste my time trying to find them in someone else, but rather make it come to life in my own person!

This searching for someone as I said, was something I did only half consciously. Unconsciously, I was looking for myself outside of me – the wrong place to look – and now that I am aware, that can now be broken. Consciously, I was trying to learn from my superiors, and admiring the great people around me who have accomplished many noble achievements. That is beneficial to my growth. For instance, in my bullet journal, I had made a list of all the adults I consider as my role models. As I wrote these names, with all the respect and admiration I can feel for someone, I felt also that each of these characters would be a part of my personality. With them I share a treasured quality, memory, ritual, or lesson. On the other hand, I was unsatisfied to see that somehow, each one has a trait I disagree with, so that I wanted to be a combination of only a part of these people, along with my own core. However now I see how that feeling was misplaced. I must not want to become like someone else, no.

Reassuringly, after this I realised that time is on my side, and if I just keep building my past and present, these answers will keep coming, to relieve me. Life will go on forwards. I smile writing this, and feel gratitude towards the mystery of life.